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Welcome To
Bizarre Police Chronicles
Issue No. 16
July 20, 2000
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Hello once again to all my regular subscribers and welcome to
all new subscribers. This is the 16th issue. I hope you will
enjoy the interesting stories and special features in this
edition. Please feel free to e-mail copies of this newsletter
to your friends, relatives, and associates. Let them also
experience the "Bizarre Police Chronicles."
Index:
Burglar Faces Juicy Assault!
Joke: A Sunday Drive!
Strange And Bizarre Laws!
Weekly Quotes To Remember!
Joke: Gomer Wants To Be A Deputy!
"Re-Fused" To Be Dumb!
The 20 Top Things You Should Never
Say To A Cop!
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Burglar Faces Juicy Assault!
A man in Kentucky decided to burglarize a house while the family
was on vacation. He thought he found an easy way to gain
entrance by going through a small doorway that had been cut
into the wall for the family's dog to enter and exit the house.
When the man tried to crawl through the small opening, he got
stuck. The harder he tried to escape, the tighter the door
seemed to get!
The man made this burglary attempt at around 10:00 P.M. It was
almost 10 hours later when a neighbor, who was feeding the dog
while the family was on vacation, came into the kitchen area and
discovered the burglar's predicament.
Fortunately for the burglar, the dog was very friendly toward
everyone, even strangers. The neighbor discovered the dog
licking the man's face. The dog was a rather extra large Saint
Bernard that did a lot of slobbering. The burglar's hair, face
and clothing was literally covered from top to bottom with dog
saliva. The burglar was helpless because his hands were not free
to ward off the dog's juicy assault.
The burglar was glad to surrender to police, once the fire
department released him from his dilemma. The burglar didn't
know how very fortunate he was. It was later revealed that the
family also owned a Rottweiler that was very protective of it's
home. The family had decided to board their Rottweiler with an
obedience trainer to fine tune the dog's skills as a guard dog.
It could have been a very gruesome outcome for the burglar. It
was anyone's guess as to what the Rottweiler would have done,
had he been the dog that found the man helpless and stuck.
Also, the dog doorway turned out to be obsolete. It had been
all but boarded up. There was just enough room for the burglar
to squeeze his head and shoulders through, but not enough room
for him to squeeze the rest of the way in or out.
Now the burglar is stuck in jail, but at least he's smart enough
not to try an escape through small exit portals.
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Joke: A Sunday Drive!
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding
drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at
22 MPH.
He thinks to himself. "This driver is just as dangerous as a
speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies-
two in the front seat and three in the back- wide eyed and white
as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer,
I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What
seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am" the officer replies, you weren't speeding, but you
should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also
be a danger to other drivers."
Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed
limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says
a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains
to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for
pointing out the error.
"But before I let you go,Ma'am, I have to ask.. is everyone in
this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't
muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with
concern.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off
Route 119."
The End
Attention Subscribers: If you have a joke suitable for possible
inclusion in an upcoming issue, please send it to:
Jokes
Please keep it clean and relevant to the "Chronicles" general
theme.
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Strange And Bizarre Laws!
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Some of these laws are actually still on the books, while others
no longer exist. In any case, I hope you find them amusing and
somewhat thought provoking.
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In Colorado you are required by law to place a tail light on
your pet cat if you let it outside to run loose.
I believe some law makers in Urbana, Illinois, must have been
watching to many B rated movies. They passed a law prohibiting
any monster from entering the city's corporate limits.
If you expect your dog to grow-up smart and knowledgeable, don't
raise it in Hartford, Connecticut. There is actually a law that
prohibits you from educating your canine. Can you just imagine
going to jail or getting fined for trying to give your dog a
decent education.
In Louisiana you can get arrested for catching lizards at night!
In Leadwood, Missouri, airplane pilots are prohibited from
eating watermelon and unshelled roasted peanuts while in flight.
If this law makes sense to you, please enlighten me! In the
state of Tennessee, if you are in a moving automobile, you are
not allowed to shoot any game except whales. The last I checked,
Tennessee doesn't have whales. At least I've never seen them
in their rivers or lakes and if there were any they would
probably be protected by law. If there are any whales, they are
more than likely in special parks or something-so don't make
plans on shooting a whale for supper!
There is a obligatory law in Vermont that requires it's citizens
to take a bath at least once a week. Preferably on Saturday
night. Won't that cause a problem with water shortage.
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Weekly Quotes To Remember!
"Do, or do not. There is no 'try'." --- By Yoda("The Empire
Strikes Back)
"Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake."
By Chessmaster Savielly Grigorievitch Tartokower
"Don't be so humble-you are not that great." --By Golda Meir
"Never interrupt your enemy while he is making a mistake."
By Napoleon Bonoparte
"Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your
way down."--By Jimmy Durante
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Joke: Gomer Wants To Be A Deputy!
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer-who was
not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket-went in to try out
for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled "Gomer, what is 1 and 1 ?"
"11" he replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not
what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T' ?"
"Today and tomorrow." He was again surprised that Gomer supplied
a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really
hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were
waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was
exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already
working on a Murder case!"
The End
Attention Subscribers: If you have a joke suitable for possible
inclusion in an upcoming issue, please send it to:
Jokes
Please keep it clean and relevant to the "Chronicles" general
theme.
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"Re-Fused" To Be Dumb!
This story is not about a criminal, but it fits perfectly into
the category of dumb and this incident was reported to police
for investigation.
An Alabama man needed to replace a fuse in his Chevy pick-up.
Since he couldn't find a fuse, he decided to use a 22 caliber
rifle bullet instead. It fit just fine into the fuse outlet.
Unfortunately, for our master mechanic and brilliant improviser,
the bullet heated up from the electrical current it received,
and discharged. The man suffered a "car shot" wound to his knee.
He did survive his injury.
In my opinion, this man should have been arrested for stupidity!
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The 20 Top Things You Should Never Say To A Cop!
1. Whatever you do, don't search my trunk!
2. When he frisks you, say you missed a spot, and grin.
3. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the
name sounded familiar...
4. Care for a doughnut?
5. Met your quota? Happy now?
6. When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I
can't hear you!"
7. Ask if he watches "Cops."
8. Talk to your hand.
9. If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the
corner, suck your thumb, and whine.
10. If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front to
operate the siren.
11. Ask if you can use his uniform for a Halloween party.
12. I was just on my way to your sister's house.
13. You look a little slow today, what, one too many doughnuts?
14. Bet ya can't keep up with me now that your on foot!(and
drive away)
15. 60 MPH in a 30 MPH area? Could you put down 70-I'm trying
to sell the car.
16. Yes officer, I saw your flashing lights, but you didn't seem
to be catching me, so I assumed you were after someone else.
17. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical
condition to be a police officer.
18. Hi officer, do you mind holding my beer while I find my
driver's license?
19. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked last week on "Cops."
20. Hey, you must'a been doin about 125 Mph to keep up with me!
Good job!
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Well, that's all for this issue. As always, I hope you enjoyed
it as much as I enjoyed bringing it to you. I would like to
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Best Wishes,
Jerry Romans
Editor
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