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Welcome To
Bizarre Police Chronicles
Issue No. 23
September 07,2000
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Hello once again to all my regular readers and a special
welcome to all new subscribers. This is the 23rd issue. I hope
you will enjoy the interesting stories and special features in
this edition. Please feel free to e-mail copies of this
newsletter to your friends, relatives, and associates. Please
encourage them to subscribe so that they may also experience
the "Bizarre Police Chronicles."
Index:
Dumbest Crook Of The Week Award!
Joke: Attorney Cross Examines Doctor!
In The News!
Weekly Quotes To Remember!
Joke: Jerks On The Highway!
Strange And Bizarre Laws!
Answer To Last Week's Trivia Quiz!
This Week's Trivia Quiz!
TOP TEN SIGNS A POLICEMAN NEEDS A VACATION!
Editor's Choice: Top Newsletter Picks Of The Week!
Paramedics Responding To 911 Call Are Stunned!
Two Robbers Too Many!
Some Quick Last Minute Cop Jokes!
_________________________________________________________________
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Dumbest Crook Of The Week Award!
Last Week's Results And Winner:
The "Con-Testants were:
Con"-Testant #1
Young man who placed a job application in a restaurant and then
robs that same restaurant moments later!
"Con"-Testant #2
Man who robbed the convenience store and forgot to take the money!
"Con"-Testant #3
Robber who forgot his gun, stabbed himself, locked his keys in the
get-away car and ends up trying to escape by entering the police
station!
"Con-Testant #1 received 8% of the vote.
"Con-Testant #2 received 13% of the vote.
"Con-Testant #3 received 79% of the vote.
Therefore #3 is declared last week's winner of the
"Uncoveted Dumbest Crook Of The Week" Award! In fact
he won by a landslide!
Did you pick the winner. I picked #3 this week. My record
for the first two weeks is 1 win and 1 loss.
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This Week's "Con"-Test:
Now you can vote for the "Con"-Testant who you think deserves the
"Uncoveted Dumbest Crook Of The Week" Award. Cast your vote by
visiting the "Bizarre Police Chronicles" web site. After you place
your vote, you'll have the opportunity to see which "Con"-Testant is
winning.
Each weekly poll will end on Wednesday at midnight EDT. The new
polling booth for the next election will be installed on Thursday
of each week right before each new edition of the "Chronicles" is
released. Make your vote count and have some fun participating in
our weekly poll. We'll post the previous week's results in each
new edition.
To cast your vote click on the following url and then click the
poll button located on our main menu.
Vote
If you run into any problems with the poll working you can
e-mail your vote to:
Vote
Put in the subject "Dumb Award".
Here's This Week's "Con"-Testants!
These really dumb criminals tried to get away with the following
crimes. They all blundered in some way in committing the crime or
trying to get away with that crime. Who would you pick as the
winner of this week's not so coveted "Dumbest Crook Of The Week"
Award?
Special Note: "Con-Testants #1 and #2 are favorites from our
archives. I felt that both of these notable characters deserved
to be nominated as candidates in this week's election.
"Con"-Testant #1
A woman robbed a bank in a small Minnesota town. To enhance her
escape, she decided to take the bank teller along as a hostage.
For several hours, there was no sign of the whereabouts of the
robber and her hostage. It was a clean get-away. The main
concern now, was for the safety and welfare of the hostage
victim.
Then, coming as a surprise to everyone, the police received a
call from the hostage. She was calling from Kmart located in a
neighboring city. The robber had become concerned that her
identity had been video taped at the bank and her description
released to police stations in all the close-by communities.
She decided that a change in clothing would help and had the
hostage drive to the Kmart. Fearing that she might be
recognized, she sent the hostage into Kmart to buy her some
new clothing.
She somehow trusted the hostage to be quite. Maybe she thought
the hostage was a new friend, or maybe she offered to let the
hostage buy some clothing for herself! Whatever she thought,
she was wrong. Police in the neighboring town were alerted and
an arrest was soon made.
"Con"-Testant #2
A man robbed a local grocery store in a suburb of Chicago, Ill.
Witnesses told police that the suspect escaped in a car that
displayed a for sale sign. The robbers name, address and phone
number were also displayed. Soon after the robbery the suspect
was on display in front of witnesses who identified him from
a line-up.
"Con"-Testant #3
A man forged a stolen payroll check and tried to cash it at one
of those cash checking services. He also had the driver's license
of the person the check belonged too and used this as ID. First
mistake was that the picture on the license didn't match the
thief's appearance. Second mistake was that the payroll check was
for an employ of the cash checking service. The biggest mistake...
the stolen check and driver's license belonged to the clerk
handling the transaction! The man came right up to the counter of
the clerk who's name badge matched the name on the license and
check, but this dummy never caught-on. He didn't even notice that
the picture on the driver's license looked exactly like the clerk.
All he knew was that he had burglarized a car parked at a grocery
store, close to the check cashing service, the day before. He got
away with the clerk's wallet which had a few dollars in cash, a
couple of credit cards, the driver's license and of course the
payroll check.
Since the check cashing service provided their own security, the
man was immediately put under house arrest until police arrived.
He received a one year jail sentence for his ignorance.
Cast your vote now by clicking the following url.
Vote
Once there click the poll button on our main menu.
If you run into any problems with the poll working you can
e-mail your vote to:
Vote
Put in the subject "Dumb Award".
_________________________________________________________________
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Joke: Attorney Cross Examines Doctor!
Attorney: So, doctor, you determined that a gunshot wound was the
cause of death of the patient?
Doctor: That's correct.
Attorney: Did you examine the patient when he came to the
emergency room?
Doctor: No, I performed the autopsy.
Attorney: Okay, were you aware of his vital signs while he was at
the hospital?
Doctor: Yes, he came in to the emergency room in shock and died in
the emergency room a short time after arriving.
Attorney: Did you pronounce him dead at that time?
Doctor: No, I am the pathologist who performed the autopsy. I was
not involved with the patient initially.
Attorney: Well, are you even sure, then, that he died in the
emergency room?
Doctor: That is what the records indicate.
Attorney: But if you weren't there, how could you have pronounced
him dead, having not seen or physically examined the patient at
that time?
Doctor: The autopsy showed massive hemorrhage into the chest, and
that was the cause of death.
Attorney: I understand that, but you were not actually present to
examine the patient and pronounce him dead, isn't that right?
Doctor: No, sir, I did not see the patient or actually pronounce
him dead, but I did perform an autopsy and right now his brain is
in a jar over at the county morgue. As for the rest of the patient,
for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere.
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In The News!
San Mateo Woman Sues County!
A San Mateo woman sued the county after her husband died from
stab wounds. She claims that paramedics responded to slow and
that resulted in her husband's death. The woman was the one
who stabbed her husband during a heated argument. The district
attorney decided not to charge the woman with murder after
declaring that she acted in self-defense. She sued for $750,000.
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Weekly Quotes To Remember!
"I decided to stop worrying about my teenage daughter's driving
and take advantage of it. I got one of those bumper stickers that
say "How's my driving?" and put a 900 number on it. At 50 cents
a call, I've been making $38 a week."
Author Unknown
"This year will go down in history. For the first time, a
civilized nation has full gun registration. Our streets
will be safer, our police more efficient, and the world will
follow our lead into the future!"
Adolph Hitler, 1933 (Scary)
It takes less time to do things right than to explain why
you did it wrong.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Success is to be measured not so much by the position
that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which
he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington
You can't build a reputation on what you are going to do.
Henry Ford
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Joke: Jerks On The Highway!
One afternoon, this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby
lake and relax. On his way to the lake, a guy dressed from head
to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures for
him to stop. The guy rolls down the window and says, "How can I
help you?" "I am the red jerk of the highway. You got something
to eat?" With a smile on his face, the guy hands a sandwich to
the guy in red and drives away. Not even five minutes later, he
comes across another guy. This guy is dressed fully in yellow,
standing on the side and waving for him to stop. A bit irritated,
our guy stops, cranks down the window, and says, "What can I do
for you?" "I am the yellow jerk of the highway. You got something
to drink?" Hardly managing to smile this time, he hands the guy a
can of Coke and stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order
to make it to the lakeside before sunset, he decides to go faster
and not stop no matter what. To his frustration, he sees
another guy on the side of the road, this one dressed in blue and
signaling for him to stop. Reluctantly, our guy decides to stop one
last time, rolls down his window, and yells, "Let me guess. You're
the blue jerk of the highway, and just what the heck do you wanna
have?" "Your driver's license and registration, please."
The End
Attention Subscribers: If you have a joke suitable for possible
inclusion in an upcoming issue, please send it to:
Jokes
Please keep it clean and relevant to the "Chronicles" general
theme.
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Strange And Bizarre Laws!
_________________________
Some of these laws are actually still on the books, while others
no longer exist. In any case, I hope you find them amusing and
somewhat thought provoking.
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In Liverpool, England a woman can go topless if she is a clerk in
a tropical fish store, otherwise going topless anywhere else in
public is forbidden by law. I heard tropical fish stores were
very busy in Liverpool! Now I know why!
Dog's Beware! Barking by any dog after 6 p.m. is prohibited in
Little Rock, Arkansas.
In Mojave County, Arizona if you are caught shoplifting a bar of
soap, your punishment shall be that you must wash yourself with
the soap until it is completely gone.
Party Goers Alert! Arkansas actually has a law that prohibits the
use of gasoline as a party drink.
There is a law that makes it illegal for any building in
Washington D.C. to be taller than the Capitol.
Bosses! You are safe if your work in Michigan! There is a
Michigan law that prohibits anyone from placing a skunk in their
bosses desk! Now don't get any ideas out there. It's not that easy
to catch a skunk and your plot might just 'Backfire."
Speaking of skunks! There is a law in Minnesota that prohibits
anyone from teasing a skunk. It"s certainly a law I'm not going
to break!
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Special Notice: The Weekly Feature Presentation for the week
of Sept. 10th has been posted on the "Chronicles" website. Check
the home page for a description of the feature stories. I
think you'll like the main story because it has a bizarre twist.
I also am initiating a "Dumb Lawyers" Department as part of the
Feature Presentation. Stop on by to read the current Features.
Even though I'm a little ahead of time, you can still read next
week's stories. Remember! These Feature stories are extra's and
will not run in the newsletter. So if you want a few more
extra's go to the "Chronicles" website at:
Features
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Answer To Last Week's Trivia Quiz!
Last week's question was:
What state instituted the first mandatory seat-belt law?
1) California
2) New York
3) Idaho
4) Florida
5) Michigan
The correct answer is 2) New York...Passed the law on July
12th, 1984.
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This Week's Trivia Quiz!
Here's this week's trivia question. For the answer, go to the
Bizarre Police Chronicles web site and click the Quiz button in
the main menu. Select your answer and find out if you're right.
Go to our web site by clicking the following url:
Triva
Who created the name "United States of America."
1) Benjamin Franklin
2) George Washington
3) John Adams
4) Thomas Paine
5) John Hancock
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TOP TEN SIGNS A POLICEMAN NEEDS A VACATION!
1) He keeps handcuffing himself by accident.
2) He is starting to develop a crush on one of the transvestite
hookers he arrested.
3) He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look
good in a collar.
4) He talks to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the
other half is the "bad cop".
5) He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all
suspects should be executed right there on the spot.
6) He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.
7) He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.
8) The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his hemorrhoids.
9) Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.
10) He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.
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Paramedics Responding To 911 Call Are Stunned!
A man called 911 with apparent signs of a stroke. He was barely
able to reach the phone let alone grasp it in his hands. When
paramedics arrived they were stunned when they discovered that
the man had broken glass imbedded in his head, close to the spine.
The man had been drinking whiskey and evidently fell to the
concrete floor causing the whiskey bottle to shatter. A large
piece from the base of the bottle was lodged in this man's head.
When the man woke up from his drunken state, he was not aware that
he had the sharp glass in his head. He thought he was suffering
from a stroke. The glass had placed severe pressure on the spine
and that was causing him to experience numbness and partial
paralysis.
The man was rushed to the hospital where he underwent surgery to
remove the sharp glass. He was lucky! He had no major damage to
his spine or brain. He was expected to fully recover.
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Two Robbers Too Many!
Police officers in Hamburg, Germany were summoned to the front of
a bank where two men were engaged in a brutal fist fight. They
were both in front of the bank to rob it. They were not partners
and had never met. Both had planned the robbery to take place at
approximately the same time, but literally ran into each other as
both had prepared to rob the bank. Neither actually made it far
enough into the bank to announce the robbery. They did, however,
cause enough suspicion for the bank to trip it's alarm. Both men
were arrested and actually charged with attempted robbery.
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Some Quick Last Minute Cop Jokes!
Tacky Arrest!
Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that
fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman
pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another
officer had seen the carton in the road. The policeman stopped
traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large
upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am
still going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."
What To Do With Two Dumb Guys!
A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November
evening and was at home with his wife.
"You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my
years on the force I've never seen anything like it."
"Oh yes dear, what happened ?"
"I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was
drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks."
"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do
with them ?"
"Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."
What Will It Be?
A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge. The
judge said, "What will you take....30 days or $30."The man
replied, "I think I'll take the money."
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Well, that's all for this issue. As always, I hope you enjoyed
it as much as I enjoyed bringing it to you. I would like to
invite you to recommend my newsletter to your friends, relatives
and associates. Feel free to forward copies to them so they may
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Last Update: Friday, February 23, 2001 13:53:57
