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Welcome To
Bizarre Police Chronicles
Issue No. 29
October 19,2000
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Hello once again to all my regular readers and a special
welcome to all new subscribers. This is the 29th issue. I hope
you will enjoy the interesting stories and special features in
this edition. Please feel free to e-mail copies of this
newsletter to your friends, relatives, and associates. Please
encourage them to subscribe so that they may also experience
the "Bizarre Police Chronicles."
Index:
Dumbest Crook Of The Week Award!
Convicted Murderer Carries Out Own Execution!
Cop Humor: When God Made Police Officers!
Man Spends Sticky Weekend At Local Glue Factory!
Joke: What Did He Say?
Weekly Quotes To Remember!
Joke: Sherlock Holmes and The Camping Trip!
Joke: Nobody Listens Anymore!
Strange And Bizarre Laws!
Answer To Last Week's Trivia Quiz!
This Week's Trivia Quiz!
Editor's Note!
Bank Robber Won't Leave State Without Permission!
Joke: Best Liknesss Ever!
_______________________________________________________________
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Dumbest Crook Of The Week Award!
Last Week's Results And Winner:
The "Con-Testants were:
"Con"-Testant #1
The two men who robbed a convenience store in Winnipeg and left
tracks in the snow that led police directly to their front door.
"Con"-Testant #2
The man from Texas who tried to remove the dock door from a
warehouse loaded with computers. In his attempt, he left his car
bumper behind along with his license plate. Police easily tracked
him down by running a check on the plate through the DMV.
"Con"-Testant #3
The man who hijacked a car and took its driver captive. The
hijacker was dumb enough to accept a deal that allowed the driver
to go into a bank to arrange a money transfer. While the hijacker
waited for the driver to return with the money, the police were
called and the hijacker was arrested.
"Con-Testant #1 received 7% of the vote.
"Con-Testant #2 received 13% of the vote.
"Con-Testant #3 received 80% of the vote.
Well, #3 won by the biggest margin recorded from any of the
previous weeks. I guess last week represented #1 as dumb, #2
as dumber and #3 definitely as dumbest. This week's "Con"Test
has some real winners when it comes to being dumb. I'm still
undecided which "Con"Testant I'm going to vote on.
Did you pick last week's winner. I picked #3 last week. My record
for the first eight weeks is 4 wins and 4 losses. I finally got
back on the winning track and evened out my win-loss record.
__________________________
This Week's "Con"-Test:
Now you can vote for the "Con"-Testant who you think deserves the
"Uncoveted Dumbest Crook Of The Week" Award. Cast your vote by
visiting the "Bizarre Police Chronicles" web site. After you
place your vote, you'll have the opportunity to see which
"Con"-Testant is winning.
Each weekly poll will end on Wednesday at midnight EDT. The new
polling booth for the next election will be installed on Thursday
of each week, right before each new edition of the "Chronicles" is
released. Make your vote count and have some fun participating in
our weekly poll. We'll post the previous week's results in each
new edition.
To cast your vote click on the following url and then click the
poll button located on our main menu.
Bizarre Police Chronicles
If you run into any problems with the poll working you can
e-mail your vote to:
E-Mail Vote
Put in the subject "Dumb Award".
Here's This Week's "Con"-Testants!
These really dumb criminals tried to get away with the following
crimes. They all blundered in some way in committing the crime or
trying to get away with that crime. Who would you pick as the
winner of this week's not so coveted "Dumbest Crook Of The Week"
Award?
Special Note: All three "Con-Testants are favorites from our
archives. I felt that each of these notable characters deserved
to be nominated as candidates in this week's election.
"Con"-Testant #1
A man drove through the gate arms of a parking garage because he
didn't have the parking fee which was only $3.
In the process, he flattened a tire and ran his car over the top
of a curb. His car became lodged and he was unable to drive away.
The parking lot attendant called police, but the man had fled the
scene. The car was towed to a city garage just down the street
from the parking garage. Within less than a hour, the driver
showed up assuming a different identity. He requested to have the
car processed out of impound and was prepared to pay the $55 fee.
While the driver was waiting for his request to be processed, the
city employ handling the request called the police department.
When police arrived, the driver knew that he would be unable to
assume the fake identity and he surrendered to the arresting
officer. He was charged with leaving the scene of an accident, and
for destruction of public property.
As a result of not paying the $3 fee, this driver ended up paying
nearly $2000 in fines, lawyer fees, damages and repair to his car.
What's odd is the fact that, in less than 40 minutes after the
incident, he had the cash money for getting his car out of the
impound, but earlier he was unable to pay the $3 parking fee. He
indicated, in front of a judge, that he used his ATM card to get
the $55 fee and that the ATM was just a block from the parking
garage. He could have easily walked to the ATM to get the $3 and
then come back to pay the parking fee. He indicated to the judge
that he was in a hurry and he also didn't want to pay the extra
ATM charge. He also served some time in jail and community service.
"Con"-Testant #2
A Longview, Texas woman came into the police station to report
that her car and cellular phone had been stolen. After giving the
details to the police, an officer called the cell phone number.To
the woman's surprise, she heard the distinctive ring of her phone
coming from a group of people standing in line to pay their
parking tickets. What's even more bizarre? The dumb criminal
answered the phone and was immediately arrested.
"Con"-Testant #3
Three men rented space in a building next to a jewelry store.
Their intent was to break into the jewelry store and steal as
much as they could. This was to be a hole in the wall entry. One
of the men previously worked for this store and knew the layout
of where everything was located. From this information, the three
men had determined that they could enter the store by drilling a
hole in the wall of the rented area. It was a common wall that
the rented area and jewelry store shared.
They knew that the jewelry store had an alarm system for the
doors and windows, but they could enter through the wall in the
store's stock room completely undetected.
Late one night when the jewelry store was closed, the three men
attempted to drill a hole in the wall in order to reach the stock
room.
Somehow, they had miscalculated. When they drilled through the
wall, they discovered that the walls were not connected. There
was a small ally separating the wall to the building they were in
and that of the jewelry store. Not wanting to give up, they
decided to drill through the second wall. They were sure that
their calculations were still correct. However, now they would
have to drill through an additional wall.
After hours of hard work, they finally made it through the wall.
To their shock, they had drilled their way into an ice cream shop
that was located next to the jewelry store. Not only did these
three men find the ice cream shop on the other side of the wall,
they also discovered that the police were waiting for them.
They were caught in the act because the owner of the ice cream
shop had decided to do some late night bookkeeping chores. He
entered his store about 5 minutes before our great jewel thieves
made their way through. Upon entering his store, the shop owner
heard the drilling noise and immediately called the police.
Officers patrolling nearby were able to quickly respond. They
were waiting inside the ice cream shop just one or two minutes
before the three made it through the wall.
The three of them are now serving prison terms. Their drilling
days are over. They may have to use spoons to escape and that could
take some time even if they correctly calculate what walls to dig
under.
__________________
Cast your vote now by clicking the following url.
Bizarre Police Chronicles
Once there click the poll button on our main menu.
If you run into any problems with the poll working you can
e-mail your vote to:
E-Mail Vote
Put in the subject "Dumb Award".
_________________________________________________________________
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Convicted Murderer Carries Out Own Execution!
A man in South Carolina was convicted of murder and sentenced to
death in the electric chair. His appeals and the legal system
were able to delay his execution date for over two years, and
finally, to the dismay of many, his lawyers were able to have his
sentence reduced to life.
Well, call it destiny, coincidence, or just a bizarre twist of
events, but this man unintentionally carried out his own
execution. It happened when he tried to repair a TV in his cell.
He didn't realize that the TV had stored energy. He needed to
repair an attached wire, but didn't have the proper tools. He
used his teeth in an attempt to fix the wire and was
electrocuted. Instead of the electric chair, this man was sitting
on a metal toilet seat. The seat acted as a conductor of energy
for the electric current leaving the TV. Because of the amount of
current and the way it was conducted, this convict had no chance
for survival.
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Do you have a true story about a dumb crook, a bizarre 911 call
or other related story! E-mail it to the "Chronicles so that we
can share it with our readers. Where possible, please include
info that will allow us to verify your submission, such as
newspaper name where the story appeared, etc. Send your
submissions to:
Jokes
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Cop Humor: When God Made Police Officers!
When the Lord was creating peace officers, he was into his sixth
day of overtime when an angel appeared and said, "You're doing a
lot of fiddling around on this one."
And the Lord said, "Have you read the spec on this order? A peace
officer has to be able to run five miles through alleys in the
dark, scale walls, enter homes the health inspector wouldn't
touch, and not wrinkle his uniform.
"He has to be able to sit in an undercover car all day on a
stakeout, cover a homicide scene that night, canvass the
neighborhood for witnesses, and testify in court the next day.
"He has to be in top physical condition at all times, running on
black coffee and half-eaten meals. And he has to have six pairs
of hands."
The angel shook her head slowly and said, "Six pairs of hands...
no way."
"It's not the hands that are causing me problems," said the Lord,
"it's the three pairs of eyes an officer has to have."
"That's on the standard model?" asked the angel.
The Lord nodded. One pair that sees through a bulge in a pocket
before he asks, "May I see what's in there, sir?" (When he
already knows and wishes he'd taken that accounting job.)"Another
pair here in the side of his head for his partner's safety. And
another pair of eyes here in front that can look reassuringly at
a bleeding victim and say, 'You'll be all right ma'am, when he
knows it isn't so."
"Lord," said the angel, touching his sleeve, "rest and work on
this tomorrow."
"I can't," said the Lord, "I already have a model that can talk a
250 pound drunk into a patrol car without incident and feed a
family of five on a civil service paycheck."
The angel circled the model of the peace officer very slowly,
"Can it think?" she asked.
"You bet," said the Lord. "It can tell you the elements of a
hundred crimes; recite Miranda warnings in its sleep; detain,
investigate, search, and arrest a gang member on the street in
less time than it takes five learned judges to debate the
legality of the stop... and still it keeps its sense of humor.
This officer also has phenomenal personal control. He can deal
with crime scenes painted in hell, coax a confession from a child
abuser, comfort a murder victim's family, and then read in the
daily paper how law enforcement isn't sensitive to the rights of
criminal suspects."
Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek
of the peace officer. "There's a leak," she pronounced. "I told
you that you were trying to put too much into this model."
"That's not a leak," said the lord, "it's a tear."
"What's the tear for?" asked the angel.
"It's for bottled-up emotions, for fallen comrades, for
commitment to that funny piece of cloth called the American flag,
for justice."
"You're a genius," said the angel.
The Lord looked somber. "I didn't put it there," he said.
Anonymous
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Man Spends Sticky Weekend At Local Glue Factory!
Glue sniffing has become a major problem in Brazil. Youngsters as
well as young adults are constantly on the lookout for new ways
to obtain the glue and new ways to sniff it.
Recently a man from Sao Paulo, Brazil broke into a glue factory
that was closed for the weekend. To him, this was heaven! There
were four large vats filled with glue. No glue sniffer could ask
for more! The man didn't waste a moment of time. He went into an
inhaling frenzy. He soon became disoriented and fell into one of
the giant vats.
Fortunately for him, he fell through the vat and unto the wooden
floor below. Unfortunately, he became glued to the floor. He was
discovered Monday morning by factory workers. Emergency workers
had to be called in to free him from his dilemma. They actually
had to cut him from the floor before they could even start the
process of removing the sticky substance from his body. After the
man was unglued and checked out for other injuries, he was turned
over to the local police.
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Joke: What Did He Say?
A police officer pulls over an elderly female for speeding while
driving her husband to a doctors appointment. The officer
approaches the vehicle and attempts to explain that he stopped
her for speeding.
She looks at her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The husband replies, "He said he stopped you for speeding."
The officer asked the elderly female for her driver's license and
she turned and asked her husband, "What did he say?
The husband replies, "he wants to see your driver's license."
The women hands the officer her license and he sees that she is
from his old home town. The officer tells the couple that he
remembered the town because he had the worst sexual experience of
his life there.
The women looks at her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The husband replies, "He says he knows you."
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Weekly Quotes To Remember!
"Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing
can be done without hope and confidence."
Helen Keller
"Things I Wish I'd Known Before I Went Out Into the Real World":
"Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiter."
"Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the
orchestra, some are on-stage singing, some are in the audience
as critics, some are there to applaud. Know who and where you
are."
"The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship:
"I apologize" and "You are right."
"Everyone seems normal until you get to know them."
"When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to
eat crow while it's still warm."
"The only really good advice that I remember my mother ever gave
me was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"
"If he says that you are too good for him, believe it."
"I've learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, "Will this matter
one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"
"The shortest line is always the longest."
"Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect, it just means
you've decided to see beyond the imperfections."
"If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another
chance!"
Author Unknown
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it
back."
Will Rogers
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of
their dreams."
Eleanor Roosevelt
"Life is what happens to you while you are making other plans."
A.J. Marshall
"Marriage is not a man's idea. A woman must have thought
of it. Years ago some guy said, "Let me get this
straight, honey. I can't sleep with anyone else for
the rest of my life, and if things don't work out, you
get to keep half my stuff? What a great idea."
Bobby Slayton
"When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year
and a half."
Gracie Allen
"Now is the operative word. Everything you put in your way is
just a method of putting off the hour when you could actually
be doing your dream. You don't need endless time and perfect
conditions. Do it now. Do it today. Do it for twenty minutes
and watch your heart start beating."
Barbara Sher
"If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will avoid
one hundred days of sorrow."
Chinese Proverb
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Joke: Sherlock Holmes and The Camping Trip!
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a
good meal and a bottle of wine they laid down for the night,
and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged
his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies
and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe
that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is
approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that
God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day
tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that
someone has stolen our tent."
Attention Subscribers: If you have a joke suitable for possible
inclusion in an upcoming issue, please send it to:
Jokes
Please keep it clean and relevant to the "Chronicles" general
theme.
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Joke: Nobody Listens Anymore!
The Judge said to the defendant. "I thought I told you I never
wanted to see you in here again."
"Your Honor," the criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell the
police, but they wouldn't listen."
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Strange And Bizarre Laws!
_________________________
Some of these laws are actually still on the books, while others
no longer exist. In any case, I hope you find them amusing and
somewhat thought provoking.
_________________________________________________________________
In Etobicoke, Ontario, Canada you are forbidden by law to have
more than three and a half inches of water in your bathtub.
Maybe the lawmakers are worried about drowning cock roaches.
If you live in Uxbridge, Ontario, Canada and you have Internet
service, you are prohibited from having a connection that is
faster than 56k.
Did you know that a California law makes it illegal to have
hamsters, gerbils or ferrets as pets.
You could get arrested or fined for skateboarding in Florida
without a special license. I wonder if a skateboarder has to
take a skill test like a person who gets a driver's license!
Also remember this law when you go to Florida: No one may
pass body gas in a public place on Thursday after 6 P.M.
Do not show affection in public on Sunday in Wawa, Ontario,
Canada, it is illegal.
In Georgia, members of the state assembly can get away with
speeding if the state assembly is in session. By way of a
special privilege law, police are prohibited from giving
an assembly member a ticket for speeding. Aren't they just
so special?
Two laws to consider if you live in or go to Idaho:
If you like to fish make sure you leave your camel at home.
An actual law states that fishing on a camel's back is
prohibited.
Also, riding a merry-go-round on Sunday is prohibited in
Idaho.
In Indiana, a male over 18 years of age can get into serious
trouble if he allows a female, under 17 years of age, to
take off or go without socks and shoes if she is a passenger
in his car. Male violators can be arrested for statutory
rape.
A law in Massachusetts forbids mourners at a wake from eating
more than three sandwiches.I wonder if they station sandwich
cops at these wakes to enforce this law!
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Answer To Last Week's Trivia Quiz!
Last week's question was:
On July, 5th, 1865, shortly after the U.S. Civil War, the Secret
Service was created as part of the Department of Treasury. What
was the purpose behind its original creation?
1) To protect the President of the United States and his family.
2) To suppress the alarmingly high circulation of counterfeit
currency.
3) To be the primary force behind collecting taxes for the
Treasury Department.
4) Equitable distribution of Federal money for the country's
reconstruction.
Correct answer (2). To suppress the alarmingly high circulation
of counterfeit currency.
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This Week's Trivia Quiz!
Here's this week's trivia question. For the answer, go to the
Bizarre Police Chronicles web site and click the Quiz button in
the main menu. Select your answer and find out if you're right.
Go to our web site by clicking the following url:
Bizarre Police Chronicles
Mt. Rushmore features the carved faces of four U.S. Presidents.
Which one of the following presidents is not featured.
1) Abraham Lincoln
2) Theodore Roosevelt
3) Thomas Jefferson
4) Andrew Jackson
5) George Washington
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Editor's Note!
A new "Weekly Feature Presentation" will be posted on the
"Chronicles" website this Sunday. Once posted, you can look for
a description and link to this story in the main body copy of
the home page. This feature and all past weekly stories are
available by clicking on the "Weekly Features" area in the main
menu.
Remember! These Feature stories are extras and will not run in
the newsletter. So if you want a few more extras, go to the
"Chronicles" website and find the listing for The Weekly Feature
Presentation at:
Bizarre Police Chronicles
_________________________________________________________________
Bank Robber Won't Leave State Without Permission!
A man robbed a bank close to a state line. Instead of leaving the
state, he decided to take a motel room just one mile from the
next state and just 2 miles from the bank he robbed. He knew that
his get away car was probably identified, but he made no effort
in hiding the car at the motel.
It didn't take police long to spot his car and he was arrested
without incident. When asked why he decided to stay at the motel
instead of trying to get further away from the bank, the man
stated that he was on parole and couldn't cross the state line
without permission from his parole officer. He indicated that
when he planned on robbing the bank he was going to ask his
parole officer for permission to leave the state, but he couldn't
think up a good excuse. He liked his parole officer and didn't
want to lie to him about what he was really up too. He also
believed that police wouldn't think to look for him this close to
the bank he robbed.
This mental giant no longer has to worry about getting permission
from his parole officer. He no longer has one. He is spending at
least the next 10 years in a prison.
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Joke: Best Liknesss Ever!
The traffic cop stopped the woman. "Here's my driver's license
and picture," she said.
"You know something,"replied the cop. This is one of the finest,
most realistic pictures I've ever seen. I'm glad to see you
aren't one of those vain women who have the photos retouched to
remove all the lines in their face."
"Sir," she replied, "you are looking at my thumb print."
_________________________________________________________________
Well, that's all for this issue. As always, I hope you enjoyed
it as much as I enjoyed bringing it to you. I would like to
invite you to recommend my newsletter to your friends, relatives
and associates. Feel free to forward copies to them so they may
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Best Wishes,
Jerry Romans
Editor
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Last Update: Saturday, March 10, 2001 05:15:47
