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Welcome To
Bizarre Police Chronicles
Issue No. 30
October 26,2000
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Hello once again to all my regular readers and a special welcome to all new subscribers. This is the 30th issue. I hope you will enjoy the interesting stories and special features in this edition. Please feel free to e-mail copies of this newsletter to your friends, relatives, and associates. Please encourage them to subscribe so that they may also experience the "Bizarre Police Chronicles."

Index:

Dumbest Crook Of The Week Award!
Man Who Worked As Drunk For Police Depth. Is Killed!
Police Insight: The Final Inspection!
"The Naked Bandit" Finally Arrested!
Joke: "Hey, I Didn't Say That."
Weekly Quotes To Remember!
Joke: 3 Lunatics Escaping A Mental Hospital!
Joke: "Silence In The Court!"
Strange And Bizarre Laws!
Answer To Last Week's Trivia Quiz!
This Week's Trivia Quiz!
Editor's Note!
Smugglers Devise Fail Safe Method To Conceal Drugs!
Bumper Stickers As Seen By Joe The Cop!
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Dumbest Crook Of The Week Award!

Last Week's Results And Winner:
The "Con-Test were:

"Con"-Test #1
This man didn't have the $3 to pay his parking garage fee. He drives through the gate arm causing a tire to go flat along with other damage. His car becomes lodged over the top of the curb and he is unable to drive away. He runs away from the scene and later tries to get his car back using a fake identity. It is later revealed that he could have walked several blocks to an ATM to get the money. As it turns out he ends up paying nearly $2000 in fines, lawyers fees, damages and repair to his car.

"Con"-Test #2
Dumb criminal who stole a car and cellular phone. When police called the cell phone the criminal answered.He was at the police station paying a parking ticket at that time. The woman who reported that her car and phone had been stolen was also at the station giving her report. She recognized the distinctive ring of her phone coming from the group of people paying their tickets. The dumb criminal was immediately arrested.

"Con"-Test #3
Three men who tried to burglarize a jewelry store by drilling a hole in the store's wall. They miscalculated and ended up drilling through to an ice cream shop instead. Because they made so much noise, the owner of the ice cream shop was able to alert police. The police were waiting to arrest the men when they finally drilled through.

"Con"-Test #1 received 21 total votes.
"Con"-Test #2 received 26 total votes.
"Con"-Test #3 received 24 total votes.

This week proved to be the closest "Con"-Test so far. Number 2 had only 2 more votes than runner-up #3 and only 5 votes more than #1.

This is the 9th week that I have been running the "Dumb Crooks" award contest. I appreciate all of the participation. I hope you enjoy this feature and encourage your continued participation.

On a personal note, I have been keeping score on my own selections from week to week. At present I have selected the winning crook 4 times and I lost the 5 other weeks. I picked #1 from the last issue and lost. I hope to even the score this week.

No matter whether you pick the winner or not, each week, you are always assured of picking a candidate that deserves the vote. Its like picking dumb , dumber, and dumbest.
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This Week's "Con"-Test:

Now you can vote for the "Con"-Test who you think deserves "Bizarre's Dumbest Crook Of The Week" Award. Cast your vote by visiting the "Bizarre Police Chronicles" web site. After you place your vote, you'll have the opportunity to see which "Con"-Test is winning.

Each weekly poll will end on Wednesday at midnight EDT. The new polling booth for the next election will be installed on Thursday of each week, right before each new edition of the "Chronicles" is released. Make your vote count and have some fun participating in our weekly poll. We'll post the previous week's results in each new edition.

Here's This Week's "Con"-Test!

These really dumb criminals tried to get away with the following crimes. They all blundered in some way in committing the crime or trying to get away with that crime. Who would you pick as the winner of this week's version of"Bizarre's Dumbest Crook Of The Week" Award?

Special Note: Once again all three "Con-Test are favorites from our archives. I felt that each of these notable characters deserved to be nominated as candidates in this week's election.

"Con"-Test #1
An obviously drunk man tried to rob a gas station with his fist as a weapon. He told the clerk behind the counter to fork over all the money or he would punch him out! The clerk refused to comply. The drunk then demanded the cash once again and once again the clerk refused to go along with the drunks demands. In fact, the clerk was rather amused at this man's feeble attempt to rob the station. The drunk was barely able to take more than one or two steps without falling over. At one point, the drunk knocked down a floor display and ended up laying face down in a bed of potato chips.

Finally, the drunk told the clerk he was fed up. He was going to call the police because they had guns and could back him up in his robbery attempt. Was this drunk also dumb or did he just become dumb when he got drunk? In any case, the clerk helped the drunk off the floor, dialed the police station, and gave the phone to the drunk. The drunk told police how the clerk was so uncooperative. He requested back-up from the police to assist him in his robbery attempt. The rest is obvious. Police arrived within minutes to arrest our staggering bandit.

This man was charged with drunk and disorderly conduct. Somehow his lawyers helped him beat the robbery felony charge. He did serve several months in a work house and he had to pay about $200 for damages he caused when he tried to rob the gas station. What's it called when you try to rob a store using your fist? Is it armed robbery? Surely not! Maybe it's just called dumb!

"Con"-Test #2
A man, sitting in a restaurant, receives a call on his cell phone. With little thought or concern about what other patrons might hear, he repeats the details and pick-up point for an illegal drug deal.

What this man did not know, was that in the booth behind him, there were two police officers and a detective who worked in the drug enforcement division. Since the deal was to go down in 4 hours, the police had plenty of time to prepare for the drug bust. As a result, drug enforcement officers were able to bust 6 drug dealers including a major dealer that under cover agents had been trying to capture for over 5 years. The man who once talked on the cell phone, now does all his talking in a cell!

"Con"-Test #3
Two Los Angeles men burglarized a Radio Shack. While in the store, they clowned around and recorded their antics on the cam corders they were about to steal. They took great pleasure watching their own performance on the television they were hooked into. Little did they realize, they were also performing in front of a security camera which had been strategically placed among the other cameras. All of their antics and their burglary were recorded on tape. Police had all the evidence they needed to arrest the performing clowns. It did take a little while to find the two men, but arrest were eventually made. They left many clues to their identity during their performance.
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Cast your vote now by clicking the following url.
Bizarre Police Chronicles

Once there click the poll button on our main menu.

If you run into any problems with the poll working you can e-mail your vote to:
E-mail Votes
Put in the subject "Dumb Award".
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Man Who Worked As Drunk For Police Dept. Is Killed!

A man who worked for the police department as a drunk, was killed when he lost control on his motorcycle. The accident was alcohol related. In fact, right before his death, he was still drunk from his duties with the police department. Only four hours had elapsed between the time he left work and his death. For his protection, he always received transportation from his part-time job to his home. However, this time he didn't stay home long enough to become sober.

Now you are probably asking how someone could have a job as a drunk with the police department. Well, here is the full story. This man worked part-time as a participant in a police training class.It was his job to become drunk while on the job and then allow officers to practice the administering of sobriety tests.

The man had always followed the guidelines set forth by the police department. He would go home and stay home. He agreed not to drive on the days he worked this strange and unusual part-time job. Why he decided to go against these guidelines will always be a mystery.
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Do you have a true story about a dumb crook, a bizarre 911 call or other related story! E-mail it to the "Chronicles so that we can share it with our readers. Where possible, please include info that will allow us to verify your submission, such as newspaper name where the story appeared, etc. Send your submissions to:
Jokes
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Police Insight: The Final Inspection!

The policeman stood and faced his God
Which must always come to pass.
He hoped his shoes were shining
Just as brightly as his brass.

"Step forward now, policeman.
How shall I deal with you?
Have you always turned the other cheek?
To my church have you been true?"

The policeman spoke with shoulders squared,
"No, Lord, I guess I ain't,
Because those of us who carry badges
Can't always be a saint.

I've had to work most Sundays,
And at times my talk was rough,
And sometimes I've been violent,
Because the streets are awfully tough.

But I never took a penny,
That wasn't mine to keep....
Though I worked a lot of overtime
When the bills just got too steep.

And I never passed a cry for help,
Though at times I shook with fear.
And sometimes, God forgive me,
I've wept unmanly tears.

I probably don't deserve a place
Among the people here.
They never wanted me around
Except to calm their fear.

If you've a place for me here, Lord,
It needn't be so grand.
I never expected or had too much,
But if you don't...I'll understand."

There was silence all around the throne
Where the saints had often trod.
As the policeman waited quietly,
For the judgement of his God.

"Step forward, policeman,
You've borne your burdens well.
Come walk a beat on Heaven's streets,
You've done your time in hell."

Author Unknown
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"The Naked Bandit" Finally Arrested!

A man in Pennsylvania, known by authorities as "The Naked Bandit," was finally arrested. He was responsible for robbing a number of convenience stores. Each time he robbed a store, he did it in the nude. He did wear his underpants. However, they were worn on his head . When asked by detectives why he carried out the robberies in the nude, the man indicated that he had been identified by the clothes he wore in previous robberies.

In court, this man pleaded guilty and was later sentenced to a long prison term. He did wear clothes to court. Underpants were optional.
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Joke: "Hey, I Didn't Say That."

The District Attorney requested all the robbery victims to come to the police station to study a lineup of five people. He placed his suspect at the end of the line. Then he asked each to step forward and say, "Give me all your money... and I need some change in quarters, nickels and dimes."

The first four did it right. However, when it was the last man's turn to recite, he broke the case by blurting out, "That isn't what I said."
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Weekly Quotes To Remember!

"The success of a marriage comes not in finding the "right" person, but the ability of both partners to adjust to the real person that they inevitably realized they married."
John Fisher

"Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished."
Unknown

"When the archer misses the mark,he turns and looks for the fault within himself. Failure to hit the bull's eye is never the fault of the target. To improve your aim -- improve yourself."
Gilbert Arland

"Something in human nature causes us to start slacking off at our moment of greatest accomplishment. As you become successful, you will need a great deal of self-discipline not to lose your sense of balance, humility, and commitment."
H. Ross Perot

"What people say behind your back is your standing in the community."
Ed Howe

"I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It's too little to go by itself."
Unknown

"Act the way you'd like to be and soon you'll be the way you act." George W. Crane

The most inaccurate saying in the English Language? "Sleeps like a baby"
Unknown
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Joke: 3 Lunatics Escaping A Mental Hospital!

Three lunatics wanted to run away from a mental hospital. The first one passes the guard, makes a sound of a cat, and continues. The second one does exactly the same; makes the sound of cat and gets out. The third man then passes near the guard and yells, ''I'm a cat too!''
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Joke: "Silence In The Court!"

The judge asked the defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."
From out in the gallery, a man shouts, "Lying idiot!"
"Silence in the court!" the Judge says to the man who shouted.
He turns to the defendant and says, "you are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
"Dumb tightwad" the same man in the gallery blurted out.
"I said QUIET!" yelled the judge.
To the defendant, "you are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"You scum bag!" the man from the gallery yelled.
The judge thundered at the man in the galley: "If you don't tell me right now the reasons for your outbursts I'll hold you in contempt!"
The man answered back, "I've lived beside that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?!"

Attention Subscribers: If you have a joke suitable for possible inclusion in an upcoming issue, please send it to:
Jokes
Please keep it clean and relevant to the "Chronicles" general theme.
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Strange And Bizarre Laws!
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Some of these laws are actually still on the books, while others no longer exist. In any case, I hope you find them amusing and somewhat thought provoking.
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In the state of Georgia, you would be breaking the law by carrying an ice cream cone in your back pocket on a Sunday. I Don't know about you, but I don't make a habit of carrying my ice cream cone in my back pocket.

The hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota are required by law to provide twin beds in every room. If a man and woman rents a room together, the hotel employees are responsible for making sure that the twin beds are at least two feet apart. Further more, the law prohibits the couple from making love on the floor between the beds!

More bad news for lovers! In Liberty Corner, New Jersey a couple can receive a jail term if they accidently sound the horn while in the act of making love in a car or other motor vehicle.

According to New York City law, a woman is afforded the same right as a man when it comes to going shirtless or topless. Anyplace a man can be topless, a woman has the same right. A number of women decided to challenge the New York City Transit Authority and go topless while riding the city subways. Men were allowed to go without shirts, so these women felt they should have the same right. After being arrested by transit police, these women forced the issue by requiring the Transit Authority to make a ruling. The New York Transit Authority determined that they could not discriminate against women and ruled that women could by law go topless while riding the city subways.

Many people back into a parking space. Almost all of us have done it at one time or another. Well in Indiana it is illegal. You are prohibited from backing into a parking space. The law was passed so that police can see your license plate if needed. I guess it's one of the states that has only one plate instead of two.

In New Jersey you better smile at police officers. A law prohibits anyone from frowning at a policeman.

In North Dakota you could get arrested for falling asleep with your shoes on after lying down.

At one time in South Carolina, a husband had the legal right to beat his wife on court house steps on Sundays.
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Answer To Last Week's Trivia Quiz!

Last week's question was:

Mt. Rushmore features the carved faces of four U.S. Presidents. Which one of the following presidents is not featured.

1) Abraham Lincoln
2) Theodore Roosevelt
3) Thomas Jefferson
4) Andrew Jackson
5) George Washington

Correct answer (4) Andrew Jackson
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This Week's Trivia Quiz!

Here's this week's trivia question. For the answer, go to the Bizarre Police Chronicles web site and click the Quiz button in the main menu. Select your answer and find out if you're right. Go to our web site by clicking the following url:
Bizarre Police Chronicles

Did you know that one of the United States presidents grew marijuana in his backyard? Can you select him from the following list of presidents.

1) John Kennedy
2) Bill Clinton
3) Thomas Jefferson
4) George Washington
5) Abraham Lincoln
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Editor's Note!

A new "Weekly Feature Presentation" will be posted on the "Chronicles" website this Sunday. Once posted, you can look for a description and link to this story in the main body copy of the home page. This feature and all past weekly stories are available by clicking on the "Weekly Features" area in the main menu.

Remember! These Feature stories are extras and will not run in the newsletter. So if you want a few more extras, go to the "Chronicles" website and find the listing for The Weekly Feature Presentation at:
Bizarre Police Chronicles
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Smugglers Devise Fail Safe Method To Conceal Drugs!

A group of drug traffickers devised what they thought was a fail safe method of smuggling marijuana into the United States, from Mexico, via El Paso Texas. They rigged a propane tanker truck so that all of it's valves released propane when checked by the border patrol. There was no reason the border patrol should discover the 6240 pounds of marijuana concealed inside the tanker. At least that's what they thought.

As ingenious as they were in rigging the inside of the tanker, they were dumb when it came to the outside portion of the truck. Part of the scheme to conceal the stash was to make the inspectors believe that the tanker belonged to a well known tanker company that specialized in the transport of propane. These drug traffickers did a professional job of painting the name of this company on the side of the truck... However, this was the fatal flaw in the entire plan. Why? Because these not so smart schemers made the mistake of misspelling the name of the well known propane gas company. It didn't take the border inspectors long to figure out that something smelled and it wasn't propane.
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Bumper Stickers As Seen By Joe The Cop!

Don't steal. The government hates competition.

Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.

I don't suffer from insanity ... I enjoy every minute of it!

My child was inmate of the month at the county jail.

Do Not Tailgate. Or I Will Flick a Booger on Your windshield!

More next week.
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Well, that's all for this issue. As always, I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed bringing it to you. I would like to invite you to recommend my newsletter to your friends, relatives and associates. Feel free to forward copies to them so they may also experience the "Bizarre Police Chronicles." They can subscribe by sending a blank e-mail to:

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Best Wishes,
Jerry Romans
Editor

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