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Welcome To
Bizarre Police Chronicles
Issue No. 37
December 14,2000
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Hello once again to all my regular readers and a special welcome to all new subscribers. This is the 37th issue. I hope you will enjoy the interesting stories and special features in this edition. Please feel free to e-mail copies of this newsletter to your friends, relatives, and associates. Please encourage them to subscribe so that they may also experience the "Bizarre Police Chronicles."

Index:

Dumbest Crook Of The Week Award!
*Last Week's Results!
*This Week's Championship Finals!
Train Passengers Get Striptease Show!
Just A Short Joke!
Lawyer Joke: The Perfect Defense!
Shoplifter Gets A Case Of The Rainy Day Blues!
Weekly Quotes To Remember!
Cartoon Picks Of The Week!
Strange And Bizarre Laws!
Answer To Last Week's Trivia Quiz!
This Week's Trivia Quiz!
Joke: Response Times!
Funny Pictures Of The Week!
Bumper Stickers As Seen By Joe The Cop!
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Dumbest Crook Of The Week Award!
Last Week's Results And Winner:
The "Con-Testants were:

"Con"-Testant #1
The drunk who tried to use his fist to rob a gas station. The drunk was barely able to walk and became frustrated when the clerk refused to turn over the money. The drunk even had the clerk dial the police so they could assist him in his robbery attempt.

"Con"-Testant #2
Three factory workers, on their lunch break, robbed a bank just blocks from their work place.They used hand guns in their robbery and silk stockings to conceal their identities. However, they forgot to remove their factory ID badges while they robbed the bank.

Con"-Testant #3
This dim wit drove up to a bank's drive-thru lane and put his stick-up note in the pneumatic tube. He then patiently waited for his money to arrive. He was really surprised when police approached his car to make the arrest, just minutes later.


"Con"-Testant #1 received 35 total votes.
"Con"-Testant #2 received 32 total votes.
"Con"-Testant #3 received 22 total votes.

Voter participation was very good once again. It approached, but did not quite exceed the record set the previous week. Thanks for making the "Dumbest Crook of the Week Award," one of the most popular features offered by the Bizarre Police Chronicles.

Last week's election concluded the semi-finals. The winner was number 1. It was a close race with number 1 getting just 3 more votes than second place runner-up number 2. Number 1 will join the other three semi-finalist winners to compete this week for the championship. I hope you will participate.
On a personal note, I selected #3 last week. This drops my record to 9 wins and 7 losses.
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This Week's Championship "Con"-Testants:

If you are voting for the first time, just follow the instructions listed after the three "Con"-Testant profiles below.
Voting will be conducted in the same manner as before. The final results for the championship will be posted in next week's edition.
Here's the profiles for this week's championship "Con"-Testants!

Championship "Con-Testant" #1
This crook was a big winner. He was profiled in issue #22. He received 79% of that week's votes. Here is his profile.

A man walked up to a counter in a convenience store with robbery on the mind. When he reached into his pocket to get his gun he realized he had left it in the car. So instead, he grabbed the clerk by his shirt and threatened him with a pocket knife. He demanded and received the money from the cash register.

As the crook ran toward the door to make his escape, he fell down on his knife. Witnesses saw him running out of the store with the knife in his upper arm. They also indicated that the robber tried to get into his car, but that he had left it locked and running. The robber found a large stone and busted out his window and proceeded to drive off only to have his car stall out.

At that point the robber exited the car with the bag of money in one hand and the gun in the other. He proceeded to walk toward witnesses with the idea of trying to steal a car to make his escape. But, within moments after getting out of his own car he heard sirens and saw a police car coming around the corner. He then decided to make his escape on foot. In his run for freedom, he entered the back door of a building behind the convenience store. It turned out the building was the police station. Police were surprised as the robber entered the station with a gun in one hand a bag in the other and a knife stuck in one arm. Police immediately apprehended this man. He was rushed to the hospital with a police guard and later booked for his crime.


Championship "Con-Testant" #2
A man and woman robbed a convenience store. While the man emptied the contents of the cash register into a knapsack, his girlfriend carried on a conversation with the clerk. While standing at the counter she saw a promotional display for a prize contest. Not wanting to lose an opportunity to cash in further, her greed got the best of her. She filled out all the info required including her name, address and phone number.

Well, to say the least, she got an almost immediate response to her contest entry. Within one hour after the robbery, both her and her boyfriend were arrested by police. The info she provided on the entry form was enough for police to come knocking on the couples door to make the arrest. I guess you could call them the prize patrol!!


Championship "Con-Testant" #3
A man, with a gun, jumped into another man's car and demanded the driver to go to an ATM and withdraw $500. The driver told the hijacker that he did not have an ATM card (even though he did). The hijacker believed his captive and then ordered him to drive to a bank's drive-thru and withdraw $500. This time the captive victim told the hijacker that he didn't have an account with any bank in town and that he didn't have his check book with him.

Not knowing how dangerous or what the hijacker might do next, the captive man made a deal with the hijacker. He gave the hijacker $40 in cash and told the trusting dummy that he would go into the bank and make arrangements for a money transfer from his bank. He told the hijacker "If I don't come out within ten minutes, you keep the $40 and my car." The hijacker agreed. The now released captive went into the bank and explained everything to a bank officer. The police were called and within minutes the dumb hijacker was surrounded and then arrested.

In court, the hijacker testified that if it hadn't been for the man he hijacked, he would be a free man today. He even had the gumption to ask the judge to arrest the hijacked victim for going back on their deal. The hijacker stated that "It's not fair, your honor, that this man deceived me and that police were a willing party to this miscarriage of justice."

This man was found guilty and was sentenced to a hefty prison term.

Championship "Con"-Testant #4
An obviously drunk man tried to rob a gas station with his fist as a weapon. He told the clerk behind the counter to fork over all the money or he would punch him out! The clerk refused to comply. The drunk then demanded the cash once again and once again the clerk refused to go along with the drunks demands. In fact, the clerk was rather amused at this man's feeble attempt to rob the station. The drunk was barely able to take more than one or two steps without falling over. At one point, the drunk knocked down a floor display and ended up laying face down in a bed of potato chips.

Finally, the drunk told the clerk he was fed up. He was going to call the police because they had guns and could back him up in his robbery attempt. Was this drunk also dumb or did he just become dumb when he got drunk? In any case, the clerk helped the drunk off the floor, dialed the police station, and gave the phone to the drunk. The drunk told police how the clerk was so uncooperative. He requested back-up from the police to assist him in his robbery attempt. The rest is obvious. Police arrived within minutes to arrest our staggering bandit.

This man was charged with drunk and disorderly conduct. Somehow his lawyers helped him beat the robbery felony charge. He did serve several months in a work house and he had to pay about $200 for damages he caused when he tried to rob the gas station. What's it called when you try to rob a store using your fist? Is it armed robbery? Surely not! Maybe it's just called dumb!

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Cast your vote now by clicking the following url.
Bizarre Chronicles
Once there click the poll button on our main menu.
The above url is our new server. Please use this url to cast your vote. I have listed the old server next. Only use this if you have a problem with the new server or e-mail your vote using the e-mail address below.
Bizarre Chronicles

If you run into any problems with the poll working, you can e-mail your vote to:
E-mail Vote
Put in the subject "Dumb Award".
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Train Passengers Get Striptease Show!

When a Kansas woman got drunk, she decided to put on a striptease show for the passengers of a train passing through her town. However, she made the mistake of trying to get as close to the tracks as possible and was sucked into the side of the train. The woman did survive, but she suffered two broken arms along with some assorted bumps and bruises and a couple of bad cuts to her face.

After being released from the hospital, this woman was arrested for criminal trespass.
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Do you have a true story about a dumb crook, a bizarre 911 call or other related story! E-mail it to the "Chronicles so that we can share it with our readers. Where possible, please include info that will allow us to verify your submission, such as newspaper name where the story appeared, etc. Send your submissions to:
Stories
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Just A Short Joke!

Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle.
Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog can't even ride a bicycle.
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Attention Bizarre Police Chronicles Readers!

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Lawyer Joke: The Perfect Defense!

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!"

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

"No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!"

Confidently the lawyer responded, "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."

"But I did send them.", replied the man.

"What?" shouted the lawyer?

"I sure did, that's how we won the case... good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiff's business card." The End

Attention Subscribers: If you have a joke suitable for possible inclusion in an upcoming issue, please send it to:
Jokes
Please keep it clean and relevant to the "Chronicles" general theme.
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Shoplifter Gets A Case Of The Rainy Day Blues!

A man tried boosting a sizeable quantity of steaks from a Kroger store in Athens, Alabama by stuffing the prime cuts down the front of his pants. However, several store employees saw what the man was doing and they approached him with the intent of detaining him until the police could arrive.

When the man realized that he had been caught in the act, he started running out of the store. Several of the employees were in close pursuit as they chased this man across the store's parking lot.

It was raining very hard that day and it was making it difficult for everyone involved in the chase to see where they were going. The suspect almost escaped when he jumped onto a bicycle and started to put some distance between himself and the store employees. However, because of the rain and visibility, the suspect crashed into a utility pole, knocking himself unconscious.

The employees thought this was the end of the chase. They stood over the suspect as police arrived. However, to everyone's surprise, the suspect got up and started running again. With employees and police now in pursuit, the suspect tried one more trick to prevent his capture. He jumped into a creek. To his dismay, the currents in the creek had become very swift and the suspect was swept away.

The fire department was called and the suspect was eventually rescued. This time he was willing to surrender. He was arrested and charged with shoplifting and resisting arrest. He was also charged for stealing and causing damage to the bicycle.
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Weekly Quotes To Remember!

"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with."
Marty Feldman.

"The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one." Mark Twain

"If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?"
Author Unknown

"The cyclone derives its powers from a calm center. So does a person."
Norman Vincent Peale

"A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car."
Carrie Snow

"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds."
Albert Einstein

"It's a very sobering feeling to be up in space and realize that one's safety factor was determined by the lowest bidder on a government contract."
Alan Shepherd
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Cartoon Picks Of The Week!
Here Are The Top 5 Cartoon Picks For This Week!

Cartoon #1
This is your Captain speaking.
Toon of the day

Cartoon #2
One Bad golfer
Toon of the day

Cartoon #3
Help in an online world....
Toon of the day

Cartoon #4
Homer, Your X-Ray came back...
Toon of the day

Cartoon #5
Just who is fishing here??
Toon of the day
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Strange And Bizarre Laws!
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Some of these laws are actually still on the books, while others no longer exist. In any case, I hope you find them amusing and somewhat thought provoking.
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Did you know that it is illegal for a married woman, in Montana, to go fishing on Sunday unless she is accompanied by someone else. However, she can fish alone on any of the other days of the week. Unmarried woman, on the other hand, are forbidden from fishing alone on any day of the week.

In North Carolina, you are forbidden from using an elephant to plow your cotton field.

In Pennsylvania, singing in your own bathtub is against the law!

The constitution of West Virginia has a provision that strictly forbids anyone in that state from owning or possessing a black or red flag.

Oregon once had a law that required washed dishes to drip dry.

It is illegal in Oklahoma to take a bite from another person's hamburger.
In Bangladesh, smuggling is punishable by death.
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Answer To Last Week's Trivia Quiz!
Last week's question was:
What President of the US tried to remove `In God We Trust` from US coins?

1) Calvin Coolidge
2) Harry S Truman
3) Woodrow Wilson
4) Theodore Roosevelt
5) Franklin D Roosevelt

Correct answer (4) Theodore Roosevelt
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This Week's Trivia Quiz!

Here's this week's trivia question. For the answer, go to the Bizarre Police Chronicles web site and click the Quiz button in the main menu. Select your answer and find out if you're right. Go to our web site by clicking the following url:
Bizarre Chronicles
Name the first U.S. city to install parking meters!

1) St. Louis, Missouri
2) Chicago, Illinois
3) New York City, New York
4) Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
5) Washington D.C.
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Joke: Response Times!

Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team's response times.

"Since we installed our new satellite navigation system," bragged the first one, "we cut our emergency response time by ten percent."

The other paramedics nodded in approval. "Not bad," the second paramedic commented. "But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we've cut our average ERT by 20 percent."

Again, the other team members gave their congratulations, until the third paramedic said, "That's nothing! Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our emergency response time in half!"
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Funny Pictures Of The Week!
Here are the top 5 "Funny Pics" of the week!

Funny Pic. #1
Past the end of the Earth.
Funny Pic of the day

Funny Pic. #2
Spot the obvious mistake...
Funny Pic of the day

Funny Pic. #3
Cool Pooch...
Funny Pic of the day

Funny Pic. #4
Cool, and loving it...
Funny Pic of the day

Funny Pic. #5
Let's pop a wheelie...
Funny Pic of the day
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Bumper Stickers As Seen By Joe The Cop!

Proud Parent---My Kid's Competent Enough To Stand Trial!!!

Heaven doesn't want me, and hell's afraid I'll take over!

I have a sexually transmitted disease: Children

I couldn't care less if you like my Bumper Sticker.

I only drink beer on days that end in Y

I get Paid Weekly
VERY WEAKLY
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Well, that's all for this issue. As always, I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed bringing it to you. I would like to invite you to recommend my newsletter to your friends, relatives and associates. Feel free to forward copies to them so they may also experience the "Bizarre Police Chronicles." They can subscribe by sending a blank e-mail to:

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Best Wishes,
Jerry Romans
Editor

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