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Welcome To
Bizarre Police Chronicles
Issue No. 51
March 22 2001
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Hello once again to all my regular readers and a special
welcome to all new subscribers. This is the 51st issue. I hope
you will enjoy the interesting stories and special features in
this edition. Please feel free to e-mail copies of this
newsletter to your friends, relatives, and associates. Please
encourage them to subscribe so that they may also experience
the "Bizarre Police Chronicles."
Index:
Dumbest Crook Of The Week Award!
*Last Week's Semi-Finals Results!
*This Week's Semi-Finals!
Feature Story: The Chicken Patrol!
Joke: Drivers License!
Joke: How To Put Out A Fire!
Feature Story: The Master Of No Disguise!
Weekly Quotes To Remember!
Cartoon Picks Of The Week!
Strange And Bizarre Laws!
Answer To Last Week's Trivia Quiz!
This Week's Trivia Quiz!
Joke: And Where Do You Live!
Funny Pictures Of The Week!
Bumper Stickers As Seen By Joe The Cop!
________________________________________________________________
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_______________________________________________________________
Dumbest Crook Of The Week Award!
Results From Last Week's Semi-Finals!
The "Con-Testants were:
Semi-Finalist "Con"-Testant #1
This man robbed a bank, but dumped all the money down a storm
drain because he thought the newly designed $100 bills were
play money.
Semi-Finalist "Con"-Testant #2
This man ran a "Chop Shop". He was new to the business and wasn't
very creative when it came to placing fake numbers on the engines
from the cars that went through his shop. When detectives
started seeing the same unusual VIN number appearing over and over
on a number of cars, they discovered that the digits and dashes
matched this man's own Social Security number. The man was
arrested and his illegal operation was shut down immediately.
Semi-Finalist "Con"-Testant #3
This drug dealer actually sold crack cocaine to a group of
three uniformed police officers. The officers thought the man
was suspicious and so offered him some money. The officers
were surprised when the man handed over a quantity of crack
cocaine. The drug dealer didn't believe the officers were real
policemen. He thought they were dressed for some kind of costume
party. After he was handcuffed and carted off to jail, he
became a believer.
Semi-Finalist "Con"-Testant #1 received 15 total votes.
Semi-Finalist "Con"-Testant #2 received 37 total votes.
Semi-Finalist "Con"-Testant #3 received 65 total votes.
Last week launched the start of the newest round of our Semi-
Finals. Thanks to everyone who participated by casting a vote.
Although we didn't set a record for total votes cast in a week,
we did go over the 100 mark once again. The results for last week
were somewhat of a surprise to me. I expected a much closer race
than what we actually had. As you can see from the stats above,
#3 was last week's winner. He carried 56% of the total vote. I
personally voted on #3, but I didn't think he would win by that
large of a margin. Of course, he was one of the dumbest crooks we
have ever profiled. He will compete in the "Championship" week
against the next three winning Semi-Finalist.
My personal win-loss record now stands at 19 wins and 11 losses.
__________________________
This Week's Semi-Finals!
If voting for the first time, just follow the instructions listed
after the three "Con"-Testant" profiles below.
Voting will be conducted in the same manner as before. The
results for this week's Semi-Finals will be posted in next
week's edition.
This Week's Semi-Final "Con"-Testants:
Semi-Finalist "Con"-Testant #1
This crook was the winner in week #41. He was up against stiff
competition, but managed to win by just 5 votes over the 2nd place
winner for that week. Here is his story.
A Miami man tried to rob a deli. Instead of getting the dough he
got the salami. The owner of the deli smashed this would be
robber across the nose with a giant salami. The man fled. Nose
bleeding and in great pain, he decided to stop running and hide
in the trunk of a parked car. Unfortunately, the man soon
discovered he couldn't get out of the trunk and he also realized
that the car belonged to the police.
After five days he finally let police know he was in the trunk.
Police opened the trunk and after determining that this was the
man who had attempted the robbery at the deli, he was arrested.
Originally, the unmarked police car was being used in a stake out
in pursuit of another criminal. Police were not aware of the
man's presence in the trunk until he pleaded for his release.
After his arrest, the man was taken to the hospital where he was
treated for a broken nose.
I'm sure he was hungry after his five day ordeal in the trunk.
But probably not quite hungry enough to eat a salami!
Semi-Finalist "Con"-Testant #2
This crook beat out his competition in week #42. Here is his story.
A man tried boosting a sizeable quantity of steaks from a Kroger
store in Athens, Alabama by stuffing the prime cuts down the
front of his pants. However, several store employees saw what
the man was doing and they approached him with the intent of
detaining him until the police could arrive.
When the man realized that he had been caught in the act, he
started running out of the store. Several of the employees were
in close pursuit as they chased this man across the store's
parking lot.
It was raining very hard that day and it was making it difficult
for everyone involved in the chase to see where they were going.
The suspect almost escaped when he jumped onto a bicycle and
started to put some distance between himself and the store
employees. However, because of the rain and visibility, the
suspect crashed into a utility pole, knocking himself unconscious.
The employees thought this was the end of the chase. They stood
over the suspect as police arrived. However, to everyone's
surprise, the suspect got up and started running again. With
employees and police now in pursuit, the suspect tried one more
trick to prevent his capture. He jumped into a creek. To his
dismay, the currents in the creek had become very swift and the
suspect was swept away.
The fire department was called and the suspect was eventually
rescued. This time he was willing to surrender. He was arrested
and charged with shoplifting and resisting arrest. He was also
charged for stealing and causing damage to the bicycle.
Semi-Finalist "Con"-Testant #3
This "Con-Testant" was the winner in week #43. Although he didn't
get a majority vote, he did manage to get 50 votes and 45% of the
total votes cast. Here is his profile.
An Albuquerque, New Mexico man was hell bent on stealing a utility
trailer from a Home Depot. He struck three times in the same
evening. His first strike was unsuccessful when the trailer broke
loose from his pickup truck just several miles from where the Home
Depot was located. Since the man could not re-hitch the crashed
trailer, he decided to go back and steal another.
Once again, after driving several miles from the store, the second
trailer broke loose and crashed. By the time the man stole a
third trailer, a deputy sheriff had spotted the second trailer.
When he started to investigate, the man came driving by with the
third trailer attached to the back of his truck. Misfortune struck
again when the fender of the trailer hit the deputy's car.
The deputy then pursued the truck in what turned out to be a chase
reaching a top speed of only 25 miles per hour. The man knew that
a faster speed would probably create another crash. The slow chase
soon came to an end and the man was arrested and charged with
three counts of theft and two counts of leaving the scene of an
accident and another charge for the hit and run accident that
occurred when the third trailer hit the deputy's car.
_________________
Cast your vote now by clicking the following url.
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Once there click the poll button on our main menu.
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_________________________________________________________________
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________________________________________________________________
Feature Story: The Chicken Patrol!
Folks in a Cameroon neighborhood, where nearly everyone owned
chickens, were becoming very concerned over the number of birds
that were disappearing. They started a chicken patrol focused on
capturing the thieves that were responsible.
One evening, the patrol noticed a man running away with a chicken
tucked under his arm. The patrol used a whistle to alert everyone
that a thief had been spotted. The patrol, consisting of about 5
men, gave chase and were finally successful in catching up with
the suspect. Soon, many more neighbors showed up. Anger turned
into mob violence when someone in the crowd demanded that the
cornered thief eat the chicken that he had killed. Eat all of it
was the demand. Soon the crowd was forcing the man to eat the
chicken. Not just the meat, but the whole chicken, including the
bones, beak, feathers and internal organs.
Once the suspect finished off the last remaining parts of the
chicken, the angry mob calmed down and started to disperse. The
chicken patrol warned the suspected thief not to try stealing
chickens in this neighborhood again. They told the thief to also
warn anyone else what would happen if they tried to steal a
chicken. They let the suspect leave without calling the police.
The patrol agreed that the suspect had received his punishment
and a lesson learned.
Unfortunately, the punishment turned out to be a death sentence
for this thief. After managing to get up on his feet, he
proceeded to go to the local police station to report his
mistreatment. Once there, he collapsed and died. He did make a
report to the police explaining the mob action.
Police are in the process of trying to determine all the people
involved in the vigilante type punishment this man received. The
mob was both jury and executioner. Many arrest are expected. The
dying man was able to describe several of the men in the patrol
and he remembered hearing them call each other by name.
_________________________________________________________________
Do you have a true story about a dumb crook, a bizarre 911 call
or other related story! E-mail it to the "Chronicles so that we
can share it with our readers. Where possible, please include
info that will allow us to verify your submission, such as
newspaper name where the story appeared, etc. Send your
submissions to:
Stories
_________________________________________________________________
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________________________________________________________________
Joke: Drivers License!
Trucker Bob took a day off work and went into town to get his CDL
driver's license renewed at the local Motor Vehicle Bureau, and
as usual, it was jam packed. The line inched along for almost two
hours until he finally got his license. Before leaving the window
he inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk,
"Ya know, I was standing in this freakin' line so long, I ended
up looking pretty darn grouchy in this picture."
The clerk looked
at his picture closely, and reassured him,
"It's okay Bob. That's
exactly how you're going to look when the cops pull you over
anyway."
______________________________________________________________
Attention Subscribers: If you have a joke suitable for possible
inclusion in an upcoming issue, please send it to:
Jokes
Please keep it clean and relevant to the "Chronicles" general
theme.
_________________________________________________________________
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_________________________________________________________________
Joke: How To Put Out A Fire!
A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette,
even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of
the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands.
But it also lit up her arm, too!
Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She
took off running down the street.
A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he
tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running
and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot
her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her
and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.
When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer
said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a
fire-arm."
_________________________________________________________________
Feature Story: The Master Of No Disguise!
A robber from a small town outside Los Angeles couldn't decide
what disguise he should use. In fact, he was having a problem
keeping his face hid in all his robbery attempts.
Since every one of the places he robbed were within two or three
blocks of his home, he didn't want to look familiar. He actually
patronized several of the stores quite often and did some
handyman work for the motel he robbed. So you can see that his
disguise was very important.
In his first robbery of a donut shop, he actually used his left
hand as his disguise. He placed his hand and fingers over his
nose and mouth while holding a gun in his right hand. The problem
with this disguise was the fact that he had to take his left hand
down to pick up the money the clerk handed to him. His face was
quickly revealed. Also, the clerk was able to identify a big scar
on the back of the robber's left hand.
In the second robbery, later that same day, the robber held-up
the clerk at the motel. This time he used a towel which had holes
cut in it to accommodate his nose and eyes. By the time he told
the clerk to hand over the money, the disguise slipped off of the
robber's face. He tried putting it back on, but it kept slipping.
Finally, he just put the towel on his head and made his escape.
The following morning, the robber thought he would perfect his
disguise by simply pulling his shirt over his head and looking
through the space between the buttons. This was his disguise when
he robbed a Subway Sandwich Shop that morning. This disguise
probably worked the best. He pulled the shirt up over his head
the moment he walked into the shop and made a quick get-away after
demanding and receiving the cash. However, the Subway had a closed
circuit surveillance camera located outside of the store. It caught
the robber, on camera, practicing the technique he was going to use
to rob the store. It caught him yanking his shirt up over his head
four times. Each time was a little more perfect than the next.
However, the longer he stayed in front of the camera practicing,
the longer the camera was able to get a good shot of the robber
from different angles.
Because of the failed attempts at disguising his identity, all of
the clerks that were victims of this robber, were able to make a
positive identification. This has resulted in three separate
convictions for armed robbery. This robber will likely spend the
rest of his life behind bars. He is also a suspect in the armed
robbery of a grocery store one block from his home. Witnesses say
the robber was wearing a box over his head with holes cut out to
accommodate his eyes and nose. Sounds pretty familiar!!
_________________________________________________________________
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Weekly Quotes To Remember!
Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious.
-- William Feather
The public will believe anything, so long as it is not founded
on truth.
-- Edith Sitwell
"One reason the dog has so many friends: He wags his tail
instead of his tongue."
-- Author Unknown
When prosperity comes, do not use all of it.
-- Confucius
Why is it that all of the instruments seeking intelligent
life in the universe are pointed away from Earth?
-- Unknown
When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look
so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not
see the ones which open for us."
-- Alexander Graham Bell
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
-- David Bissonette
_________________________________________________________________
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________________________________________________________________
Cartoon Picks Of The Week!
Last week you may have experienced problems accessing the
cartoon links. The service that provides our cartoons was down
for several days. They didn't get back on-line until last Sunday.
However, most of their technical problems have been addressed
and they appear to be back to normal operation. Here are this
week's top "Cartoon Picks."
Cartoon #1
Very narrow minded...
Cartoon #1
AOL Users
Very narrow
minded...
Cartoon #2
An ingrown hare...
Cartoon #2
AOL Users
An ingrown
hare...
Cartoon #3
Don't panic!!
Cartoon #3
AOL Users
Don't
panic!!
Cartoon #4
Accidents happen...
Cartoon #4
AOL Users
Accidents
happen...
Cartoon #5
Dog hackers...
Cartoon #5
AOL Users
Dog
hackers...
_________________________________________________________________
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________________________________________________________________
Strange And Bizarre Laws!
_________________________
Some of these laws are actually still on the books, while others
no longer exist. In any case, I hope you find them amusing and
somewhat thought provoking.
_________________________________________________________________
A law in the state of Massachusetts forbids mourners, at a wake,
from eating more than three sandwiches.
Utah legislators actually tried to propose a resolution requiring
TV weather forecasters to buy ice cream cones, for the state House
of Representatives, whenever the whether forecast was incorrect.
The resolution failed.
Another bill that failed was proposed by legislators in Arizona.
They had proposed a bill that would require a candidate, running
for office in the legislature, to take a reading test and also
an I.Q. test three months prior to the election. The bill would
have required that the test scores be posted on the ballots. For
some strange reason, the majority of the legislators voted not
to pass this proposal!
If your bird escapes in Berkley, California, you are not allowed
by law to whistle or call for it between the hours of 10 P.M.
and 7 A.M.
Did you know that you could get arrested for kissing on a train
in Wisconsin?
As difficult as it may be to plant a tree in the street, the
city of Hartford, Conn., actually passed a law forbidding you
from doing just that.
_________________________________________________________________
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_________________________________________________________________
Answer To Last Week's Trivia Quiz!
Last week's question was:
What is the most popular first name for U.S. Presidents.
Clue: There have been six presidents with this first name.
1) William
2) James
3) John
4) George
5) Thomas
The correct answer is (2) James.
_________________________________________________________________
This Week's Trivia Quiz!
Here's this week's trivia question. For the answer, go to the
Bizarre Police Chronicles web site and click the Quiz button in
the main menu. Select your answer and find out if you're right.
Go to our web site by clicking the following url:
Bizarre Police Chronicles
How many presidents have had assassination attempts?
1) 3
2) 5
3) 8
4) 10
5) 12
_________________________________________________________________
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Vote for Bizarre Police Chronicles by visiting "Absea's Top 300
Cop Sites." When you click the following url your vote will be
automatically recorded. When you go to "Absea's" be sure to
visit some of the other great cop sites listed.
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________________________________________________________________
Joke: And Where Do You Live!
A policeman stops two drunks and asks one,
"Where do you live?"
"Nowhere", the first drunk replied.
"And where do you live?",
he asks the other.
"We're neighbors."
_________________________________________________________________
Funny Pictures Of The Week!
Funny Pic #1
Just cut to the cheese...
Funny Pic #1
AOL Users
Just cut to the
cheese...
Funny Pic #2
Crazy kitty...
Funny Pic #2
AOL Users
Crazy
kitty...
Funny Pic #3
Let there be light...
Funny Pic #3
AOL Users
Let there be
light...
Funny Pic #4
Redneck wind chime...
Funny Pic #4
AOL Users
Redneck wind
chime...
Funny Pic #5
Funny Billboard.
Funnt Pic #5
AOL Users
Funny
Billboard.
_________________________________________________________________
Recommend Bizarre Police Chronicles to your friends and cast
your vote at Fun-Lists. Go to:
Recommend Bizarre Police Chronicles
Aol Users
Vote for Me!
________________________________________________________________
Bumper Stickers As Seen By Joe The Cop!
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
SUCCESS...is what your boss achieves through your hard work.
Driver carries no money he's divorced...
This car is protected by WD-40
Get A Life... It's Just A Bumper Sticker!
I smile because I have no idea whats going on.
Men, if you want to control someone, sleep with your remote
________________________________________________________________
Well, that's all for this issue. As always, I hope you enjoyed
it as much as I enjoyed bringing it to you. I would like to
invite you to recommend my newsletter to your friends, relatives
and associates. Feel free to forward copies to them so they may
also experience the "Bizarre Police Chronicles." They can
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Best Wishes,
Jerry Romans
Editor
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Last Update: Sunday, March 25, 2001 16:22:42
