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Welcome To
Bizarre Police Chronicles
Issue No. 53
April 05 2001
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Hello once again to all my regular readers and a special
welcome to all new subscribers. This is the 53rd issue. I hope
you will enjoy the interesting stories and special features in
this edition. Please feel free to e-mail copies of this
newsletter to your friends, relatives, and associates. Please
encourage them to subscribe so that they may also experience
the "Bizarre Police Chronicles."
Index:
Dumbest Crook Of The Week Award!
*Last Week's Semi-Finals Results!
*This Week's Semi-Finals!
Trilogy Feature: Three Fast Stories About Some Truly Dumb Crooks!
Lawyer Joke: $50,000 Lawyer!
Featured 911 Call; Frantic Mother Calls 911 When Child Eats Ants!
Weekly Quotes To Remember!
Cartoon Picks Of The Week!
Strange And Bizarre Laws!
Answer To Last Week's Trivia Quiz!
This Week's Trivia Quiz!
Joke: $775 a Week!
Funny Pictures Of The Week!
Bumper Stickers As Seen By Joe The Cop!
________________________________________________________________
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Dumbest Crook Of The Week Award!
Results From Last Week's Semi-Finals!
The "Con-Testants were:
Semi-Finalist "Con"-Testant #1
This man was arrested at his home when police served an
outstanding warrant for a previous misdemeanor charge. He
answered the door in his underwear. Police allowed him to get
dressed. When they searched him at police headquarters they
discovered 20 packets of crack cocaine in his pants pocket. He
could have left the cocaine at home, but chose to bring it along
to the police station because he feared that someone else might
enter his home and take his stash of cocaine. He was charged
with felony possession.
Semi-Finalist "Con"-Testant #2
This dumb crook tried to rob a man who was leaving a restaurant.
The man told the crook that he didn't have any money with him.
The crook grew angry as he kept insisting that the man did have
money. The victim realized that he was in real danger so he
offered to write a check to the robber. The robber agreed and
was even dumb enough to go along with the victim's arrangement
as to a specific time to show-up at the bank to cash the check
on the following morning. Needless to say, the police were
waiting for the robber's arrival and a quick arrest was made.
Semi-Finalist "Con"-Testant #3
This burglar snuck into a hospital completely undetected by
security. While being nosey, he discovered a tanning bed in one
of the treatment rooms. He decided to strip off his clothes and
get a nice tan. However, the tanning bed turned out to be a high
voltage UV machine that was designed to deliver a high dosage of
heat in just 10 seconds.This man exposed himself to the machine's
powerful heat rays for 45 minutes. After sneaking back out of the
hospital, he showed up at another hospital for the treatment of
severe blisters over a large portion of his body. Since he was
wearing a doctors coat, the staff at the second hospital became
very suspicious and called the police. While being treated, this
burglar was placed into police custody and later charged.
Semi-Finalist "Con"-Testant #1 received 35 total votes.
Semi-Finalist "Con"-Testant #2 received 54 total votes.
Semi-Finalist "Con"-Testant #3 received 14 total votes.
It was another 100 plus week for total votes cast. Thanks to
everyone who participated. As you can see from the stats, #2 was
last week's winner. He managed to obtain 52% of the total vote.
This week will mark the forth installment of the Semi-Finals. The
three previous Semi-Finalist winners and this week's winner will
compete next week for the "Championship. I hope you will cast
your vote to help us pick the "dumbest of the dumb crooks."
I picked the right candidate last week by voting for #2. My
personal record now stands at 20 wins and 12 losses.
__________________________
This Week's Semi-Finals!
If voting for the first time, just follow the instructions listed
after the three "Con"-Testant" profiles below.
Voting will be conducted in the same manner as before. The
results for this week's Semi-Finals will be posted in next
week's edition.
This Week's Semi-Final "Con"-Testants:
Semi-Finalist "Con"-Testant #1
Our first "Con-Testant" was the winner from week 47. He had 64
votes, but wasn't able to get a majority of the votes. He ended
up with 49% of the total votes cast that week. Here is a short
version of his profile.
This man was growing an 8-foot marijuana plant in his backyard.
He received a call one day from the Sheriff's office telling him
that he had been busted. He was told that no charges would be
filed against him if he chopped down his plant and brought it to
the Sheriff's office. He chopped it down as instructed and took
it to the Sheriff. Once there, he discovered that no one from the
Sheriff's office knew anything about his backyard enterprise.
Apparently, several jealous acquaintances had set-up the phony
call with hopes that he would fall for the prank. He was arrested
under suspicion of felony cultivation.
Semi-Finalist "Con"-Testant #2
This dumb crook won in week 48 by getting 65 votes and 52% of the
total vote. Here is a brief version of his story.
This convicted burglar was very superstitious about the number
seven. When the judge sentenced him to a seven year prison term,
he pleaded with the judge to change the sentence. Seven was an
unlucky number for this man and he felt that a seven year prison
term was the same as a death sentence. The judge understood and
gave the man an extra year. The convict was happy with the extra
year and actually thanked the judge for the added time.
Semi-Finalist "Con"-Testant #3
This previous winner, from week 49, was in a very close race. He
beat his closest competitor by only 7 votes. In fact, He only got
39% of the total vote. Here is a shorter version of his winning
profile.
This Iowa state student wanted to impress a female friend by
interrupting a fake assault directed at the female. He was able
to convince a friend to help him with the assault. The plan
was for the friend to pretend that he was going to mug the girl.
The male student would intervene and get shot by a low caliber
derringer. The shot was more damaging than expected and the
male student ended up going to the hospital for surgery to remove
bullet fragments close to his lung. Both men were arrested and
charged with filing a false police report and the reckless use of
a firearm.
_________________
Cast your vote now by clicking the following url.
Bizarre Police Chronicles
Once there click the poll button on our main menu.
The above url is our new server. Please use this url to cast
your vote. I have listed the old server next. Only use this
if you have a problem with the new server or e-mail your
vote using the e-mail address below.
Bizarre Police Chronicles
If you run into any problems with the poll working, you can
e-mail your vote to:
E-Mail Vote
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________________________________________________________________
Trilogy Feature: Three Fast Stories About Some Truly Dumb Crooks!
File Story #1
A San Antonio, Texas woman was arrested after her mechanic
informed police that he found nearly 20 packages of marijuana
under the hood of her car. The really dumb part of this case is
the fact that the woman took her car in for an oil change, but
didn't think that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to
do the job.
File Story #2
A Ft. Smith, Arkansas man was arrested within one hour after he
robbed a convenience store at gun point. He made a quick and
clean get-away. Other than the store clerk, there were no
witnesses to the crime and no one to identify the car the robber
used in his escape. However, the store's security camera picked
up a good view of the construction hard hat the robber was
wearing. The robber's first and last name were boldly printed
on the top of the hat.
Police were able to check the name with the Drivers License
Bureau. They got a match on the name. When they checked the
picture that was on file with the Bureau, it matched the suspect
shown on the store's video play-back of the robbery. Police were
able to track down the suspect by going to the address provided
by the License Bureau.
File Story #3
This Longmont, Colorado man had a little to much beer to drink.
After finishing off his third six-pack, he still wanted more. It
was getting late, so he figured the convenience store, where he
bought his original three six-packs, was closed. But, even this
wasn't going to stop this determined man from getting more beer.
He stumbled to his car to find his crowbar. Then, after finding
it, he proceeded to pry open the front door of the convenience
store, so he could steal some beer. However, as he was prying,
he glanced into the store and discovered that there were other
people staring back at him. Yes! The store was still open. The
man stared back, turned around and walked away. Police were
called to the store and the man was arrested. He was found
slumped over the steering wheel of his car. He told police that
he was so drunk that he couldn't find the keys to his car.
His keys were still in the ignition!
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Do you have a true story about a dumb crook, a bizarre 911 call
or other related story! E-mail it to the "Chronicles so that we
can share it with our readers. Where possible, please include
info that will allow us to verify your submission, such as
newspaper name where the story appeared, etc. Send your
submissions to:
Stories
_________________________________________________________________
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Lawyer Joke: $50,000 Lawyer!
An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he
called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it
for the express degree you told me about?"
"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon,
why do you want to become a lawyer?"
"That's my business! Get me the course!"
Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was
at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.
Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was
clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer
leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late, tell me why
you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?"
In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said,
"One less lawyer . . ."
______________________________________________________________
Attention Subscribers: If you have a joke suitable for possible
inclusion in an upcoming issue, please send it to:
Jokes
Please keep it clean and relevant to the "Chronicles" general
theme.
_________________________________________________________________
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_________________________________________________________________
Featured 911 Call; Frantic Mother Calls 911 When Child Eats Ants!
A frantic mother, in a Chicago suburb, called 911 when her
daughter consume a jar containing ants. She explained to the
dispatcher that her daughter had been playing in her sandbox and
had decided to collect some ants by placing them in a jar. She
then proceeded to pour her cup of juice into the jar for the ants
to drink. For some unknown reason, the mother said that her
daughter came into the house drinking the juice with the ants in
them. That's when the mother became concerned and called 911.
The dispatcher explained to the mother that the ants should not
cause much of a health risk. Kids eat bugs, dirt and much worse
things and never suffer any real ill effects, explained the
dispatcher. So the mother was advised to keep an eye out for any
kind of reaction the child may experience.
That call came into the dispatcher at approximately nine a.m. At
about ten a.m. the mother called 911 once again. This time she
was crying. She told the dispatcher that her little girl was
having a seizure of some sort. Moments later, the frantic mother
told the dispatcher that she thought her daughter had stopped
breathing and was turning blue in the face.
The dispatcher immediately assigned an emergency unit to the
mother's house. She told the mother how to perform CPR and the
child started breathing again. While the ambulance was on it's
way, the dispatcher kept thinking to herself that she had given
the mother the wrong advice during the first call. However, she
knew that the information she gave would normally be correct. The
dispatcher still felt that maybe she should have sent a medical
unit to the little girls house to at least check her out.
When the emergency crew arrived at the home of the little girl,
they immediately went to work on trying to revive the child. She
had stopped breathing again. Thanks to the skilled efforts of the
emergency team the child was revived and somewhat stabilized
for transport to the hospital. The medics were having a problem
with why the little girl was as sick as she was. The medics felt
that the little girl was suffering from some kind of poisoning.
When they questioned the mother on whether she gave her daughter
some sort of medication after the child ate the ants, the mother
indicated that she had.
Every member of the emergency crew was shocked when the mother
explained that she gave her daughter ant poison. She explained
that when she got off the phone with the dispatcher, after the
first call, she decided to make sure that all of the ants were
dead, so she sprayed a small quantity of ant poison from an
aerosol can into a paper cup. She mixed it with water and told
her daughter to drink it. The mother was very surprised when
medics told her that the ant poison was what had made her little
girl very sick.
The mother was of the belief that if it said ant poison on the
can, it meant that it would only harm ants. Her ignorance almost
caused the death of her child. The little girl did survive and is
doing fine. There were no signs of any long term mental or
physical problems. The mother was not charged for any crimes
involving the administration of the ant poison. However, she did
volunteer to take her local hospital's "Poison Awareness" course.
_________________________________________________________________
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Weekly Quotes To Remember!
"I went for a walk last night and my girlfriend asked
me how long I was going to be gone. I said,
"The whole time."
-- Steven Wright
"Real friendship is shown in times of trouble;
prosperity is full of friends."
-- Euripides
"The nice part about living in a small town is that when
you don't know what you're doing, someone else does."
-- Unknown
"54% of women said they would rather have a perfect body
than genius IQ. With a genius IQ, you could do whatever you
want, but with a perfect body, you could get somebody else
to do whatever you want."
-- Jay Leno
"I read this article that said the typical symptoms
of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying,
and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is
my idea of a perfect day."
-- Unknown
"If a man has good manners and is not afraid
of other people he will get by, even if he
is stupid."
-- David Eccles
"Kmart has announced that it is laying off hundreds
of employees. Smart move. Now the only place those
people can afford to shop will be Kmart."
-- Johnny Robish
_________________________________________________________________
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Cartoon Picks Of The Week!
Cartoon #1
Got a headache...
Cartoon #1
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Cartoon #2
"Magic" Beans
Cartoon #2
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"Magic"
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Cartoon #3
You are here...
Cartoon #3
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You are
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Cartoon #4
This is a stickup!!
Cartoon #4
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Cartoon #5
Freshly ground...
Cartoon #5
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________________________________________________________________
Strange And Bizarre Laws!
_________________________
Some of these laws are actually still on the books, while others
no longer exist. In any case, I hope you find them amusing and
somewhat thought provoking.
_________________________________________________________________
Way back in the year 1650, the American colony known as New
Haven passed a law that could result in the execution of any
16-year-old boy who cussed, disobeyed or struck his parents or
was otherwise branded as being stubborn or rebellious. This
colony later became the state of Connecticut. Fortunately, the
law was not carried over when Connecticut became a state.
Patrons in adult entertainment establishments in Salem, Oregon
are prohibited by law from getting any closer than two feet from
a nude dancer. What I want to know is how the dancers earn their
tips if no one can get close enough to put money in their
G-Strings!!
In Acworth, Georgia you are required by law to own a rake, and
you better use it to remove the leaves from your yard, or you
could get a hefty fine.
In Washington state it is illegal to catch fish by throwing rocks
at them. Game wardens can give you a ticket for illegal fishing
and you could be placed under arrest.
Did you know that it is not illegal to buy or smoke marijuana in
the Netherlands. In fact, you are allowed to have marijuana in
your possession as long as you are carrying less than 5 grams of
the drug.
_________________________________________________________________
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_________________________________________________________________
Answer To Last Week's Trivia Quiz!
Last week's question was:
People often become murder victims because of the nature of
their job. Name the one job that has the biggest risk for
becoming a murder victim.
1) Cab Driver
2) Police Officer
3) Convenience Store Clerk
4) Mail Carrier
5) Delivery Person
The correct answer (3) Convenience Store Clerk.
_________________________________________________________________
This Week's Trivia Quiz!
Here's this week's trivia question. For the answer, go to the
Bizarre Police Chronicles web site and click the Quiz button in
the main menu. Select your answer and find out if you're right.
Go to our web site by clicking the following url:
Bizarre Police Chronicles
Which one of the following crimes do Americans
fear, has the most likely chance of happening to
them. The answer is the result of several recent
polls that surveyed over one million Americans.
1) Being murdered
2) Being killed or injured by a drunk driver
3) Having their house burglarized
4) Being carjacked
5) Having pockets picked or purse snatched
_________________________________________________________________
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Vote for Bizarre Police Chronicles by visiting "Absea's Top 300
Cop Sites." When you click the following url your vote will be
automatically recorded. When you go to "Absea's" be sure to
visit some of the other great cop sites listed.
Rate Bizarre Police Chronicles
________________________________________________________________
Joke: $775 a Week!
"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the
divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife
$775 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every
now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
_________________________________________________________________
Funny Pictures Of The Week!
Funny Pic #1
Time to get a new lift club?
Funny Pic #1
AOL Users
Time to get a
new lift club?
Funny Pic #2
Female Parking Lot (Duck!)
Funny Pic #2
AOL Users
Female Parking
Lot (Duck!)
Funny Pic #3
Handsome couple...
Funny Pic #3
AOL Users
Hansome
couple...
_________________________________________________________________
Recommend Bizarre Police Chronicles to your friends and cast
your vote at Fun-Lists. Go to:
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Vote for Me!
________________________________________________________________
Bumper Stickers As Seen By Joe The Cop!
If you can't stop when I do, smile as you go under!
I took an IQ test and the results were negative
Forget world peace...visualize using your turn signal
I love my career, I'm a volunteer!
Dad's the boss. Right Mommy?
If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?
A fool and his money are my best friends
Can I pay my Visa bill, with my MasterCard?
Of course you're faster, but I'm driving in front of you
________________________________________________________________
Well, that's all for this issue. As always, I hope you enjoyed
it as much as I enjoyed bringing it to you. I would like to
invite you to recommend my newsletter to your friends, relatives
and associates. Feel free to forward copies to them so they may
also experience the "Bizarre Police Chronicles." They can
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Best Wishes,
Jerry Romans
Editor
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Last Update: Friday, April 06, 2001 23:37:39
