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Welcome To
Bizarre Police Chronicles
Issue No. 55
April 19 2001
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Hello once again to all my regular readers and a special
welcome to all new subscribers. This is the 55th issue. I hope
you will enjoy the interesting stories and special features in
this edition. Please feel free to e-mail copies of this
newsletter to your friends, relatives, and associates. Please
encourage them to subscribe so that they may also experience
the "Bizarre Police Chronicles."
Index:
Dumbest Crook Of The Week Award!
*Last Week's Championship Results!
*This Week's "Con-Testants!"
Feature Story: Driving Without a License Can Be Habit Forming!
Quick Wit...A Few Short But Witty Jokes!
Joke: Cops Advisory! Nine Ways Not To Start Your Police Report!
Feature Story: Delayed Getaway!
Weekly Quotes To Remember!
Cartoon Picks Of The Week!
Strange And Bizarre Laws!
Answer To Last Week's Trivia Quiz!
This Week's Trivia Quiz!
Lawyer Joke: The Lawyer's Dog!
Joke: Eucalyptus Drive!
Bumper Stickers As Seen By Joe The Cop!
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Dumbest Crook Of The Week Award!
Results From Last Week's Championship Finals!
The "Con-Testants were:
Championship "Con"-Testant #1
This drug dealer actually sold crack cocaine to a group of
three uniformed police officers. The officers thought the man
was suspicious and so offered him some money. The officers
were surprised when the man handed over a quantity of crack
cocaine. The drug dealer didn't believe the officers were real
policemen. He thought they were dressed for some kind of costume
party. After he was handcuffed and carted off to jail, he
became a believer.
Championship "Con"-Testant #2
This man tried to rob a deli. Instead of getting the dough he got
the salami. The owner of the deli smashed this would be robber
across the nose with a giant salami. The man fled. Nose bleeding
and in great pain, he decided to stop running and hide in the
trunk of a parked car. Unfortunately, the man soon discovered he
couldn't get out of the trunk and he also realized that the car
belonged to the police. After five days he finally let police
know he was in the trunk.
Championship "Con"-Testant #3
This dumb crook tried to rob a man who was leaving a restaurant.
The man told the crook that he didn't have any money with him.
The crook grew angry as he kept insisting that the man did have
money. The victim realized that he was in real danger so he
offered to write a check to the robber. The robber agreed and
was even dumb enough to go along with the victim's arrangement
as to a specific time to show-up at the bank to cash the check
on the following morning. Needless to say, the police were
waiting for the robber's arrival and a quick arrest was made.
Championship "Con"-Testant #4
This Iowa state student wanted to impress a female friend by
interrupting a fake assault directed at the female. He was able
to convince a friend to help him with the assault. The plan
was for the friend to pretend that he was going to mug the girl.
The male student would intervene and get shot by a low caliber
derringer. The shot was more damaging than expected and the
male student ended up going to the hospital for surgery to remove
bullet fragments close to his lung. Both men were arrested and
charged with filing a false police report and the reckless use of
a firearm.
Championship "Con"-Testant #1 received 21 total votes.
Championship "Con"-Testant #2 received 12 total votes.
Championship "Con"-Testant #3 received 36 total votes.
Championship "Con"-Testant #4 received 10 total votes.
Well we crowned a new "Champion" from among the 12 "Semi-Finalist
that have been competing for the "Championship" over the last
five weeks. As you can see from the stats above, #3 was a fairly
easy winner over his closest contender #1.
On a personal note, I selected #4. I was surprised how badly he
done in the voting. I was almost sure he would be the winner or
at least run a close second. Anyway, my personal record now
stands at 21 wins and 13 losses.
The total vote count was down quite a bit from what we usually
see. Only 79 votes were cast last week. In fact the count was
down noticeably during the five week period of the "Semi-Finals"
and "Championship." A number of subscribers have indicated that
they would rather vote in the regular weekly "Con-Test." Many of
you have indicated that the "Semi-Finals" brings back the
"Con-Testants" too soon after they had been previously profiled.
The "Con-Testants" were too familiar.
Therefore, in the future, I will run the Semi-Finals and the
Championship from the "Chronicles" website. After the next twelve
weekly winners have been selected, I will list the winners on
a web page. Interested subscribers can go to that page and select
a candidate. Voters will have two weeks to vote. You will see
a short announcement in the newsletter announcing the start of
the finals and you will be given the necessary url to access the
voting page.
All future issues of the "Chronicles" will contain the regular
"Con-Test."
__________________________
This Week's "Con"-Testants:
I hope you will participate in this week's voting. If you are
voting for the first time, just follow the instructions listed
after the three "Con"-Testant profiles below.
Voting will be conducted in the same manner as before. The
results for this week's "Con-Test" will be posted in next
week's edition.
Here's the profiles for this week's "Con"-Testants!
"Con"-Testant #1
This bank robber's story was originally featured in issue #48.
He is a classic example of what it takes to qualify as a
candidate for our weekly award. Here is his profile once again.
A man robbed a Brooklyn, New York bank of over $2000. While
making his escape, another man saw what was going on and decided
to take advantage of the situation by mugging the robber. He
tripped the bank robber, and after giving him a few swift kicks
to the face and body, the mugger grabbed the bag of money and
ran away.
The bank robber was so upset that he called 9-1-1 to report that
he had been mugged. Police were already on the way to the
robber's location because they were responding to the bank's
alarm. When police did arrive, the robber was waiting for them
in front of the bank. In fact, he greeted them and immediately
admitted that he had just robbed the bank. He explained to police
that he was so mad that the mugger got away with his bounty, that
he was no longer concerned about escaping. He just wanted police
to capture the mugger and bring him to justice. He gave police a
good description of the mugger, but the mugger was never captured
and there have been no clues as to his whereabouts.
The bank robber was convicted and sentenced to a long prison term.
"Con"-Testant #2
This character was featured in a story that appeared in issue
#46. Here is his profile once again.
A West Virginian man was arrested after being stopped by police
for speeding. He was caught going 90 miles per hour in a 65 m.p.h
speed zone. When officers approached the suspect's vehicle, they
could smell a very strong odor of alcohol. The man's eye's were
bloodshot and his manner of speech was impaired.
The driver failed the sobriety test and refused to take a
breathalyzer. When police asked the driver what his occupation
was, they discovered that the man worked for the governor's office
as a state liquor inspector.
It's not known whether this inspector will lose his job or be
suspended. The governor's office did respond to the media by
indicating that this inspector's behavior was improper.
"Con"-Testant #3
This woman's story from issue #48 is one of my favorites, but
don't let that influence your vote. Read her profile and see
why she was selected as a candidate.
A 47-year old woman, from Arizona, was dumb enough to believe she
could actually hire a hit man to kill her husband, by looking for
one in the yellow pages. She discovered that a company called
"Guns For Hire" was listed. She didn't pay attention to the fact
that this company specialized in staging gunfights for Western
movies.
She called the number listed and proceeded to explain how and why
she wanted to have her husband killed. Naturally the company
tried to explain that they did not have a hit man and could not
provide that service. They did manage to ask the lady for her
name, address and telephone number. She willingly gave them this
information in hopes that "Guns For Hire" might later find or
refer her to a hit man.
After the woman hung up, "Guns For Hire" called the police to
inform them of the conversation they had with this lady.
After follow-up investigation, the woman was arrested and charged
with plotting to kill her husband. She was later convicted of the
crime and sentenced to 4-1/2 years in prison.
_________________
Cast your vote now by clicking the following url.
Bizarre Police Chronicles
Once there click the poll button on our main menu.
The above url is our new server. Please use this url to cast
your vote. I have listed the old server next. Only use this
if you have a problem with the new server or e-mail your
vote using the e-mail address below.
Bizarre Police Chronicles
If you run into any problems with the poll working, you can
e-mail your vote to:
E-MailVote
Put in the subject "Dumb Award".
_________________________________________________________________
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_________________________________________________________________
Feature Story: Driving Without a License Can Be Habit Forming!
A New York man must surely own the world's record for the most
times a person has had his driver's license suspended. Last
November, he was stopped by police when his car was spotted with
an improper license plate. The suspect had actually hand-lettered
the plate himself. It was a very amateurish attempt at simulating
the look of an actual license plate.
Typically this suspect had been confronted by police a number of
times before and he would not usually give his real name. This
time however, he slipped-up by giving his correct name. Police
entered the name of the suspect in the computer and received a
big surprise. It took nearly two hours to print out this
suspect's previous traffic violations. When the traffic report
was complete, the arresting officers discovered that this man's
driver's license had been suspended 633 times since 1990. The
really bizarre aspect of this matter is why the man's license
was just suspended each time. It seems only logical that the
court system would have permanently revoked his privilege to
drive a long time ago. With that many violations, why isn't he
behind bars or spending most of his time doing some kind of
community service.
Following-up on other possible instances where drivers have
excessive number of violations in New York and especially New
York City, it was discovered that there are nearly 340 other
people who have had their licenses suspended more than 100
times each.
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Do you have a true story about a dumb crook, a bizarre 911 call
or other related story! E-mail it to the "Chronicles so that we
can share it with our readers. Where possible, please include
info that will allow us to verify your submission, such as
newspaper name where the story appeared, etc. Send your
submissions to:
Stories
_________________________________________________________________
Quick Wit...A Few Short But Witty Jokes!
The 4 Basic Food Groups for Police Officers!
1.Glazed
2.Jelly
3.Powdered
4.Chocolate Frosted
.......
Hillbilly In Texas!
This hillbilly is traveling across Texas when a state policeman
pulls him over.
"You got any I.D.?" the patrolman asked."
"'Bout what?" the hillbilly replied.
.......
3 In The Morning!
Having gone to his secretary's apartment, Mr. Biggs was
astonished to wake up and find that it was three in the morning.
"My God!" he shouted, "My wife is going to kill me!"
Unsure of how he would explain it, he ran to the nearest pay
phone and called his wife.
"Honey!" he began, "Don't call the cops and don't pay the
ransom."
"I escaped!
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Joke: Cops Advisory! Nine Ways Not To Start Your Police Report!
1) It was the best of times, it was the worst of times ...
2) The names contained in this report have been changed to
protect the innocent ...
3) The mayor then made an illegal left hand turn onto Mulraney at
which point I opened fire ...
4) Before I get into the details, I've got a few "shout-outs"
for my homeys in the command staff ...
5) It was so dark and wet that night you could almost eat the
mist. The radio call penetrated the eerie silence with such
piercing intensity that for a moment, I was sure I'd lost my
mind ...
6) Got call. Responded. Arrested bad guy. The end...
7) Mye pertnar an eye wher on petrol wen we seen a man act
suspishushly...
8) The suspect then tried to assault me by repeatedly slamming
his face into my fist ...
9) A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away ...
_________________________________________________________________
Attention Subscribers: If you have a joke suitable for possible
inclusion in an upcoming issue, please send it to:
Jokes
Please keep it clean and relevant to the "Chronicles" general
theme.
_________________________________________________________________
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Feature Story: Delayed Getaway!
When a Kansas man robbed a convenience store, he was very
disappointed with the amount of money in the cash register.
He needed at least $500 and the register only had about $200.
Instead of leaving, the robber decided to earn the other $300
by becoming the store's new clerk. He took the real clerk into
a back room and tied him to a chair. He then went back behind
the counter to assume his new position as the store's clerk.
His plan was to ring-up enough customers until there was at least
another $300 in the register. One hour passed, then two and then
finally three. The robber was still short of the $500 he needed,
so he continued into his fourth hour with hopes of getting at
least another $20 to reach his goal.
Well, the fourth hour was to be his last hour of gainful
employment. There was a period of four or five minutes when no
customers came into the store. That's when police rushed in with
guns pulled. They demanded the robber place his hands above his
head. They then had him drop to the floor where he was handcuffed
and then carted off to jail.
The police were alerted to the situation in the store when the
real clerk was able to escape. After getting untied, the clerk
went to the front of the store with the intent of securing the
store and locking the door. However, he saw the robber waiting
on customers, so he quickly returned to the back room where he
made a call to 911. Police responded within several minutes, but
were reluctant to enter until they were sure no one else was
still in the store. They sent a detective wearing plain clothes
into the store to survey the situation and determine where the
robber was standing. Once given the okay by the detective, the
police made their move without shots being fired.
If the robber had left the store sometime within the first three
and a half hours, he would have escaped without capture. The
clerk was still tied-up during that time. However, the robber
decided to hang around trying to get that last $20 he needed to
reach the $500 goal. He's now gainfully employed as a cook
instead of a crook. He's dishing out food to his inmates. He's
behind bars for at least the next 6 to 8 years.
Ironically, the $500 was the amount the robber needed to cover
remaining tuition and book expenses for a correspondence course
in Criminal Justice! He had dreamed of working as an agent for
the FBI.
_________________________________________________________________
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Weekly Quotes To Remember!
"The taxpayer - that's someone who works for the
federal government but doesn't have to take the
civil service examination."
-- Ronald Reagan
"I'm a great believer in luck and I find the harder I work,
the more I have of it."
-- Thomas Jefferson
"The best leader is the one who has sense enough to pick
good men to do what he wants done, and self-restraint enough
to keep from meddling with them while they do it."
-- Theodore Roosevelt
"Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for
a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it
home, but it doesn't always go with everything in the house."
-- Jean Kerr
"The fellow who does things that count, doesn't usually stop to
count them."
-- Anonymous
"Life is birthday cake, so take a piece, but not too much."
-- The Beatles
"Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat."
-- F. Scott Fitzgerald
_________________________________________________________________
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Cartoon Picks Of The Week!
Cartoon #1
A boy for sure...
AOL Users
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Cartoon #2
Not what they want to hear...
AOL Users
Not what they
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Cartoon #3
Duck plays fetch...
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Duck plays
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Find the wolves...
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New throne...
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New
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Strange And Bizarre Laws!
_________________________
Some of these laws are actually still on the books, while others
no longer exist. In any case, I hope you find them amusing and
somewhat thought provoking.
_________________________________________________________________
Did you know that in the state of Washington, it is illegal to
sleep in an outhouse without first getting permission from the
owner. Well, I don't know about you, but sleeping in an
outhouse is not my idea of a must do experience. I think I
would have to be really desperate to even consider the
possibility. I wonder if the owner can charge room rates.
In the state of Idaho the Native American Church is allowed, by
law, to use peyote in it's religious services. Peyote is a very
powerful hallucinogenic plant that is otherwise illegal to use
or possess.
Lexington, Kentucky actually passed a law, a number of years ago,
that prohibits anyone from carrying an ice cream cone in their
pocket.
The Bernards Township in New Jersey passed a law that prohibits
frowning. In fact, lawmakers declared that the city is a
"Frown-Free Town Zone." Violators can receive a fine. If you do
get caught, you better not frown when the cop gives you a ticket.
You could get another ticket to go along with the original.
Worrying a squirrel in Excelsior Springs, Missouri is strictly
prohibited.
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Answer To Last Week's Trivia Quiz!
Last week's question was:
According to the Department of Criminal Justice,
what particular age group, in America, has seen
the biggest recent increase in death due to murder!
1) Birth to age 1 year
2) 18-24 years
3) 34-40 years
4) 50-60 years
5) 70 plus years
The correct answer (1) Birth to age 1 year.
_________________________________________________________________
This Week's Trivia Quiz!
Here's this week's trivia question. For the answer, go to the
Bizarre Police Chronicles web site and click the Quiz button in
the main menu. Select your answer and find out if you're right.
Go to our web site by clicking the following url:
Bizarre Police Chronicles
According to the Department of Criminal Justice, which
American city has the highest rate of crime.
1) Washington
2) Atlanta
3) Los Angeles
4) New York
5) Detroit
________________________________________________________________
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Vote for Bizarre Police Chronicles by visiting "Absea's Top 300
Cop Sites." When you click the following url your vote will be
automatically recorded. When you go to "Absea's" be sure to
visit some of the other great cop sites listed.
Vote for Bizarre Police Chronicles
________________________________________________________________
Lawyer Joke: The Lawyer's Dog!
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher
shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and
asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my
store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the
dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from
me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50
[attorneys don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the
butcher hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the
lawyer's office].
Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but
that would be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds
an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
_________________________________________________________________
Joke: Eucalyptus Drive!
Emily Sue passed away and Earl called 911. The 911 operator told
Earl that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you
live?" asked the operator.
Earl replied, "At the end of
Eucalyptus Drive."
The 911 operator asked, "Can you spell that
for me?
There was a long pause and finally Earl said,
"How 'bout
if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up over there?"
_________________________________________________________________
Recommend Bizarre Police Chronicles to your friends and cast
your vote at Fun-Lists. Go to:
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Vote for Me!
________________________________________________________________
Bumper Stickers As Seen By Joe The Cop!
Excuse Me... I have blonde root syndrome!
Car will explode upon impact.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
I brake for no apparent reason.
I is a college student.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Half of the people in the world are below average.
Harrisburg Postal Employees Gun Club
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
_________________________________________________________________
Well, that's all for this issue. As always, I hope you enjoyed
it as much as I enjoyed bringing it to you. I would like to
invite you to recommend my newsletter to your friends, relatives
and associates. Feel free to forward copies to them so they may
also experience the "Bizarre Police Chronicles." They can
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Subscribe
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regarding any aspect of my newsletter. Your input will be
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Best Wishes,
Jerry Romans
Editor
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Last Update: Saturday, April 28, 2001 15:22:57
