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Welcome To
Bizarre Police Chronicles
Issue No. 56
April 26 2001
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Hello once again to all my regular readers and a special
welcome to all new subscribers. This is the 56th issue. I hope
you will enjoy the interesting stories and special features in
this edition. Please feel free to e-mail copies of this
newsletter to your friends, relatives, and associates. Please
encourage them to subscribe so that they may also experience
the "Bizarre Police Chronicles."
Index:
Dumbest Crook Of The Week Award!
*Last Week's Results!
*This Week's "Con-Testants!"
Feature Story! Drunk Gets Too High Trying To Smoke Out Raccoon!
Quick Wit...A Few Short But Witty Jokes!
Joke: The Revised Miranda Rights Version 3!
Short Feature Story! Not My Brother's Keeper!
Joke: Target Practice!
Feature Story! Boastful Burglar Breaks Into Bank To Steal Camera!
Weekly Quotes To Remember!
Cartoon Picks Of The Week!
Strange And Bizarre Laws!
Answer To Last Week's Trivia Quiz!
This Week's Trivia Quiz!
Joke: Lorraine!
Bumper Stickers As Seen By Joe The Cop!
_________________________________________________________________
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Dumbest Crook Of The Week Award!
Results From Last Week's Championship Finals!
The "Con-Testants were:
"Con"-Testant #1
This Brooklyn bank robber was mugged while making his escape. The
mugger got away with all of the money. The robber called 9-1-1
to report the mugging. He was so upset that he no longer cared
about escaping. He willingly admitted to the bank robbery, but
was mostly concerned that the police capture the mugger and
bring him to justice. The mugger was never found. The bank
robber was convicted and sentenced to a long prison term.
"Con"-Testant #2
This West Virginian man was arrested for going 90 mph in a 65
mph speed zone. The suspect also appeared to be very drunk. He
failed the sobriety test and refused to take a breathalyzer.
The driver turned out to be a state liquor inspector for the
governor's office. Because of his dumb actions, the inspector
could lose his job.
"Con"-Testant #3
This Arizona woman tried to hire a hit man to kill her husband
by looking in the yellow pages. She found a listing called "Guns
For Hire." This company specialized in staging gunfights for
Western movies. Even after the company told the woman that they
could not provide a hit man, she proceeded to explain how and
why she wanted her husband killed. She even provided the company
with her name, address and phone number in hopes that "Guns For
Hire" might later refer her to a hit man. After the woman hung
up, "Guns For Hire" called the police with all of the details.
She was later convicted and sentenced to 4-1/2 years in prison.
"Con"-Testant #1 received 60 total votes.
"Con"-Testant #2 received 10 total votes.
"Con"-Testant #3 received 50 total votes.
120 Grand Total
As you can see from the stats above, #1 was our winner from last
week. This "crook" lead right from the start and ended up with
50% of the total vote. #3 did fairly well, but couldn't quite
catch up to #1. He had just 10 votes less than #1 and did manage
to get 42% of the total vote. "Con'-Testant #2 never came close
to competing.
The voter count for last week was above 100 once again. Thanks
to everyone who participated.
My personal choice last week was #3. This dropped my record to
21 wins and 14 losses.
__________________________
This Week's "Con"-Testants:
I hope you will participate in this week's voting. If you are
voting for the first time, just follow the instructions listed
after the three "Con"-Testant profiles below.
Voting will be conducted in the same manner as before. The
results for this week's "Con-Test" will be posted in next
week's edition.
Here's the profiles for this week's "Con"-Testants!
"Con"-Testant #1
This "Con"-Testant would have you believe he was a good
Samaritan, but you'll soon discover how crooked he really was!
He was originally featured in issue #49. Here is a shortened
version of his profile for your review.
This arsonist tried to convince police that he was a good
Samaritan. He even stopped a police car to let them know about a
fire at a variety store several blocks away. However, officers
became suspicious when they noticed a fire bomb under the man's
arm and four gallons of gas close to where the man had been
standing. This would-be good Samaritan claimed that he saw the
fire bomb and the gas cans in front of the store and decided to
grab them and run to prevent further danger. However, police
found that the man was also carrying five packs of matches, four
butane lighters and rags that matched the one stuffed in the fire
bomb he was carrying under his arm. Three witnesses came forward
to identify him as the person they saw running from behind the
store moments before the fire had spread to the front of the
building. Even after his arrest and conviction this man still
insisted that he was only trying to be a good citizen.
"Con"-Testant #2
This woman was also featured in issue #49. Her disregard for her
own child ended her dream of ever becoming a daycare provider.
Here is a shortened version of her profile.
A Bethesda, Maryland woman went to her local police station to be
fingerprinted as part of the process necessary to get her license
to open a day-care center. However, she was arrested in the
police station parking lot as she was walking to her van to
leave. Police were waiting for her because she left her 2 year
old son in the van for 30 minutes. It was determined that the
temperature inside the van was over 120 degrees. Paramedics took
the boy to a local hospital where he was treated for dehydration.
The boy was returned to the care of his father. The woman ended
up receiving several months in jail. She was refused a license to
open a day care center and was required to undergo counseling
after her release from jail. Social services monitored her child
care of her son for one full year.
"Con"-Testant #3
This character thought he had the perfect scheme to become a mega-
millionaire, but lack of experience and intelligence put a hitch
in his plan. He was originally profiled in issue #50. Here is
a shortened version of his profile.
This South Carolina man obviously lacked the experience and the
intelligence to extort money. He claimed that he had planted
bombs at the airport terminals in Charleston and Columbia, South
Carolina. He demanded $2 million for information on where those
bombs were hidden. He thought he would be safe from capture if he
didn't have to meet the police in person to collect his money. He
gave authorities the name of his bank and told them what account
they should use to deposit the $2 million. Investigators had an
easy time finding out who owned the bank account and were able to
make a quick arrest at the man's home within minutes after he
made the extortion call.
_________________
Cast your vote now by clicking the following url.
Bizarre Police Chronicles
Once there click the poll button on our main menu.
The above url is our new server. Please use this url to cast
your vote. I have listed the old server next. Only use this
if you have a problem with the new server or e-mail your
vote using the e-mail address below.
Bizarre Police Chronicles
If you run into any problems with the poll working, you can
e-mail your vote to:
E-Mail Vote
Put in the subject "Dumb Award".
_________________________________________________________________
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_________________________________________________________________
Feature Story! Drunk Gets Too High Trying To Smoke Out Raccoon!
Irving Michaels of Carbon County, Pa. and a group of his buddies
were having, what you might call, a beer party. After finally
getting good and drunk, these men decided to start firing guns
off the rear deck of Michaels' house. When they spotted a
raccoon, it naturally became their main target.
Obviously, none of the men were good shots or they were all so
intoxicated that they couldn't hit the side of a barn. There were
an estimated 35 shots fired and not a single one of the shots hit
the raccoon.
The raccoon was able to escape down a drainage pipe which was
located about 100 feet from the deck. However, Michaels was
not going to let the raccoon ruin his party. It was almost as
though the raccoon had purposefully intruded the party and then
didn't cooperate by getting shot to death. Irving Michaels was
not about to let this poor creature escape. The party now had
a purpose and a theme and that was to destroy the invading
raccoon.
Now Michaels had to find a way to get the raccoon out of the
drainage pipe. Brilliantly or not, he determined that the best
way to get the creature out of the pipe was to smoke him out.
However, his method of doing this was somewhat questionable. He
got a gas can and poured a small portion of it down the sloping
pipe and then tried to ignite the fuel. Well this first attempt
didn't work so he poured the entire 5 gallons of gas down into
the pipe, but was once again unsuccessful in igniting the gas.
Michaels probably thought about the situation for a moment and
then came up with his most brilliant idea. That's when he slide
down into the pipe feet first. After sliding down about 15 feet
into the pipe he figured he was closer to the gas and would have
a better chance of igniting it with a match.
Well, Mr. Michaels was absolutely right. He did ignite the gas.
However, he didn't receive the expected result. Witnesses were
amazed when they saw a massive fireball coming out of the pipe.
And yes! Mr. Michaels was part of that fireball! He was propelled
at such a high speed that one witness likened it to a missile
being fired from a submarine. He was actually propelled over the
top of his house. It was estimated that he traveled over 200 feet
in the air before landing in his front yard.
Witnesses indicated that while Irving Michaels was in flight he
emitted a strange scream that one witness described as having the
"Doppler Effect." After the scream came a loud thud.
Believe it or not, Irving Michaels escaped any major injury. Only
a few bumps and bruises and assorted scratches. No criminal
charges were brought against this man or his party for any of
their antics. In fact, Mr. Michaels stated that he would do it
again if he knew he wouldn't get hurt!
_________________________________________________________________
Do you have a true story about a dumb crook, a bizarre 911 call
or other related story! E-mail it to the "Chronicles so that we
can share it with our readers. Where possible, please include
info that will allow us to verify your submission, such as
newspaper name where the story appeared, etc. Send your
submissions to:
Stories
_________________________________________________________________
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Quick Wit...A Few Short But Witty Jokes!
Dead Stop!
A police officer pulled a car over and arrested the driver for
stealing the car. When he questioned the driver why he stole the
car, the driver explained, "It was parked outside a cemetery and
I thought the owner was dead!"
.......
Murdered!
A man was found murdered in his home over the weekend.
Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his tub. The
tub had been filled with milk, and the deceased had a banana
protruding from his mouth.
Police suspect a cereal killer.
.......
Man goes to lawyer for help.
Man: What is your least expensive fee?
Lawyer: $50 for three questions.
Man: That's pretty expensive isn't it?
Lawyer: Yes. So what's your third question?
.......
Definition of a lawyer: a man who helps you get what's coming to
him.
_________________________________________________________________
Attention Subscribers: If you have a joke suitable for possible
inclusion in an upcoming issue, please send it to:
Jokes
Please keep it clean and relevant to the "Chronicles" general
theme.
_________________________________________________________________
Attention Bizarre Police Chronicles Readers!
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including games, education, productivity, Home and Garden, etc.
Take advantage of this Free software special that is being
provided to "Chronicles" readers. You can visit the Free-CD
Software.com site at:
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________________________________________________________________
Joke: The Revised Miranda Rights Version 3!
You are under arrest and....
1. No, I don't care who you are.
2. No, I don't care who you know.
3. Yes... you DO pay my salary.
4. Yes... you CAN have my job.
5. No, I don't have anything better to do.
6. Yes, I DO arrest real criminals sometimes.
7. No, I am not picking on you because you are________ (fill in).
8. No, I can't give you a break.
9. No, I don't know your friend, Officer __________(fill in).
10. Yes, you will be allowed to make a phone call.
11. Yes, I'm sure you will never do it again.
12. No, we can't talk about it.
13. Yes, it DOES make me happy.
14. Yes, you WILL see me in court.
Thank you, have a nice day.
Your Arresting Officer __________(fill in)
______________________________________________________________
Short Feature Story! Not My Brother's Keeper!
A dedicated and honest deputy sheriff, from Illinois, was
looking through a group of wanted posters. He came across the
poster of a man who had been charged in connection with the
robbery of the Union National Bank and who was also wanted for
questioning in other bank robberies. To the deputy's surprise,
the poster he was looking at was of his own brother.
Without hesitation, the deputy did his duty by having his
brother arrested.
_______________________________________________________________
Joke: Target Practice!
Bob, not the brightest rookie at the police academy, was at the
pistol range. He was given some instruction, a pistol, and
bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came
from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the
target. Bob looked at his weapon and then at the target again. He
looked at the pistol again, and then at the target again. He put
his finger over the end of the gun barrel and squeezed the
trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off,
whereupon he yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here
just fine. The trouble must be at your end!"
_________________________________________________________________
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Feature Story! Boastful Burglar Breaks Into Bank To Steal Camera!
A man broke into a bank after it had closed. All he wanted to do
was steal it's video camera so that he could show his friends
how easy it was to break into the bank. He assumed that the
camera would record his entry into and exit from the bank.
However, he didn't realize that the camera was a remote unit.
The actual videotape recorder unit was located in a locked
security room. All he got was the camera and not the videotape.
When bank officials played back the videotape recorder the next
day, they saw a man boastfully announcing his name, address and
reason for being in the bank. He held a newspaper in front of
the camera to verify the date. He then proceeded to outline how
he was able to enter the bank undetected and how he would make
his escape.
Authorities were amazed at how clever the man was in breaking
into the bank and then leaving without setting off the alarm.
On the other hand they were laughing at how the man was ignorant
to how the video system worked. The boastful confession would
surely become a police classic to amuse a court audience and
it's judge.
All the evidence needed for an arrest was completely recorded on
this videotape. When the suspect realized that the tape was
missing, he assumed the worst and turned himself in to police the
next morning.
He was charged with burglary and may face several years in prison
if convicted.
________________________________________________________________
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Vote for Bizarre Police Chronicles by visiting "Absea's Top 300
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Vote for Bizarre Police Chronicles
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Weekly Quotes To Remember!
"Our problems are man-made, therefore they may be solved by man.
No problem of human destiny is beyond human beings."
-- John F. Kennedy
"The nice thing about egotists is that they don't
talk about other people."
-- Lucille S. Harper
"A man wrapped up in himself is a very small bundle."
-- Benjamin Franklin
"According to the American Medical Association, sleeping
less has been linked to big guts on men. They say getting
more quality sleep creates lean tissue. So women, next time
you see your man sprawled on the couch over the weekend,
he's working out."
-- Jay Leno
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
-- Groucho Marx
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Cartoon Picks Of The Week!
Cartoon #1
Straight to the Dog box...
AOL Users
Straight to the
Dog box...
Cartoon #2
Closing the hole...
AOL Users
Closing the
hole...
Cartoon #3
The chip grows...
AOL Users
The chip
grows...
Cartoon #4
Bass Player...
AOL Users
Bass
Player...
Cartoon #5
Following directions...
AOL Users
Following
directions...
_________________________________________________________________
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________________________________________________________________
Strange And Bizarre Laws!
_________________________
Some of these laws are actually still on the books, while others
no longer exist. In any case, I hope you find them amusing and
somewhat thought provoking.
_________________________________________________________________
In Danville, Pennsylvania all fire hydrants must be inspected
one hour before a fire. I guess they use psychic firemen to
carry out these inspections.
Elko, Nevada has a law that requires you to wear a mask if you
choose to walk any of it's public streets. I suppose robbers show
their real face when they rob a bank! That way they can't be
identified on the street because their mask would legally conceal
their face. In effect, the face becomes the mask and the mask
becomes the new face!
Elkhart, Indiana passed a law prohibiting barbers from
frightening a child by threatening to cut off his/her ears.
In Marshalltown, Iowa you better not hitch your horse to a fire
hydrant. There's no law forbidding you from hitching your horse
to the hydrant, but there is actually a law that forbids your
horse from eating that hydrant. If he does eat the fire hydrant,
you could get fined and thrown in jail and your horse would
probably suffer from a very serious case of indigestion.
In Natchez, Missouri it is illegal to give beer or liquor of
any kind to an elephant.
_____________________________________________________________
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_________________________________________________________________
Answer To Last Week's Trivia Quiz!
Last week's question was:
According to the Department of Criminal Justice, which
American city has the highest rate of crime.
1) Washington
2) Atlanta
3) Los Angeles
4) New York
5) Detroit
The correct answer is (2) Atlanta.
_________________________________________________________________
This Week's Trivia Quiz!
Here's this week's trivia question. For the answer, go to the
Bizarre Police Chronicles web site and click the Quiz button in
the main menu. Select your answer and find out if you're right.
Go to our web site by clicking the following url:
Bizarre Police Chronicles
According to the Department of Criminal Justice, what common
item is most often stolen in The United States.
1) Automobile
2) Bicycle
3) Shopping Cart
4) Computer
5) Television
_________________________________________________________________
Joke: Lorraine!
There was this cop and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who
was very pretty and he liked her a lot.
One day he went to work at the station and discovered that a
woman rookie officer had joined the force. Her name was Officer
Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted
with her and after a while it became obvious that she was
interested in him too. But this cop was a loyal man and he
wouldn't do anything with Clearly while he was still going out
with Lorraine.
He decided that there was nothing else he could do but to break
up with Lorraine and get it on with the new rookie. He planned
several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to
do it. One day they went for a walk along the river bank when
Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current was strong
and it carried her off and she drowned.
The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off
smiling and singing........
"I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone"
______________________________________________________________
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Bumper Stickers As Seen By Joe The Cop!
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I drive by again.
I'm not driving drunk I just can't drive!
I get road rage in the parking lot!!!
Hoo nedes skoole?
My Idea of teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.
_________________________________________________________________
Well, that's all for this issue. As always, I hope you enjoyed
it as much as I enjoyed bringing it to you. I would like to
invite you to recommend my newsletter to your friends, relatives
and associates. Feel free to forward copies to them so they may
also experience the "Bizarre Police Chronicles." They can
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Best Wishes,
Jerry Romans
Editor
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Last Update: Saturday, April 28, 2001 15:59:33
