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Welcome To
Bizarre Police Chronicles
Issue No. 61
May 31 2001
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Hello once again to all my regular readers and a special
welcome to all new subscribers. This is the 61st issue. I hope
you will enjoy the interesting stories and special features in
this edition. Please feel free to e-mail copies of this
newsletter to your friends, relatives, and associates. Please
encourage them to subscribe so that they may also experience
the "Bizarre Police Chronicles."
Index:
Important Note From The Publisher: Poll Is Back Online!
Dumbest Crook Of The Week Award!
*Last Week's Results!
*This Week's "Con-Testants!"
Feature Story: Who's That In The Back Seat?
Quick Wit...A Few Short But Witty Jokes!
Feature Story: Police Close Case On The Texas Chimney Burglar!
Joke: Special Diet!
Feature Story: Not Such A Clever Robbery Scheme After All!
Weekly Quotes To Remember!
Cartoon Picks Of The Week!
Strange And Bizarre Laws!
Answer To Last Week's Trivia Quiz!
This Week's Trivia Quiz!
Funny Picture Of The Week!
Joke: Locked Out!
Bumper Stickers As Seen By Joe The Cop!
Answer to "This Week's Trivia Quiz"
_________________________________________________________________
Important Note From The Publisher: Poll Is Back Online!
The "Chronicles" new poll service is up and running on the
web site. It's a little different than the old polling service
we are all accustomed to using. It does provide more stats.
The old service only gave percentages of the total votes for
each candidate and a grand total. The new poll gives
percentages and a total count for each of the individual
"Con-Testants." However, the new poll will not provide the
profile for each "Con-Testant." You will have to read the
profile in the newsletter for each candidate and decide,
in advance, what "Con-Testant" to vote on.
I am still working on finding a good service for putting the
Trivia Quiz back online. I'm looking for one that will give
complete stats. I could use the new poll service, but they
don't provide a function that would allow me to list the
correct answer. In the meantime, the answer to the trivia
question will appear at the end of the newsletter. It will
follow the "Bumper Stickers As Seen By Joe The Cop." section.
________________________________________________________________
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Dumbest Crook Of The Week Award!
Results From Last Week!
The "Con-Testants were:
"Con"-Testant #1
A New York man must surely own the world's record for the most
times a person has had his driver's license suspended. Last
November, he was stopped by police when his car was spotted with
an improper license plate. The suspect had actually hand-lettered
the plate himself. It was a very amateurish attempt at simulating
the look of an actual license plate. When police ran a computer
report, it took nearly two hours to print out this suspect's
previous traffic violations. When the traffic report was complete,
the arresting officers discovered that this man's driver's license
had been suspended 633 times since 1990.
"Con"-Testant #2
This Kansas man robbed a convenience store of $200. He had
expected at least $500. Disappointed at his bounty, he tied up
the store clerk in a back room and proceeded to assume the duties
of the clerk. His intent was to ring-up enough customers until he
had another $300 in the cash register. Nearly four hours later he
was close to his goal. However, the real clerk escaped and called
police. A detective wearing plain clothes was sent into the store
to make sure no one else was in the store and to determine where
the robber was standing. Once given the okay by the detective,
the police made their move and the robber was arrested without
shots being fired.
"Con"-Testant #3
A man broke into a bank after it had closed. All he wanted to do
was steal it's video camera so that he could show his friends
how easy it was to break into the bank. He assumed that the
camera would record his entry into and exit from the bank.
However, he didn't realize that the camera was a remote unit.
The actual videotape recorder unit was located in a locked
security room. All he got was the camera and not the videotape.
When bank officials played back the videotape recorder the next
day, they saw a man boastfully announcing his name, address and
reason for being in the bank. All the evidence needed for an
arrest was completely recorded on this videotape. When the
suspect realized that the tape was missing, he assumed the worst
and turned himself in to police the following day.
"Con"-Testant #1 received 10 total votes.
"Con"-Testant #2 received 18 total votes.
"Con"-Testant #3 received 33 total votes.
61 Grand Total
Because of the problem with my poll server the vote count was
somewhat low last week. Thanks to everyone who did e-mail a
vote. Also, my apologies, once again, to everyone for the
server problem. This was totally beyond my control. I never
did get an answer from the poll server as to why the service
went off-line without notice. There was never a warning or a
reason given. I don't know if they will ever go back on-line
and if they do, I have no idea when. Of course, that doesn't
matter now because I have switched poll services. I sure hope
this one works out better.
As you can see, from above, #3 was last week's winner. He had
more votes than the other two "Con-Testants" combined.
I personally voted for #3. My record now stands at 25 wins and
15 losses.
__________________________
This Week's "Con"-Testants:
I hope you will participate in this week's voting. If you are
voting for the first time, just follow the instructions listed
after the three "Con"-Testant profiles below.
Voting will be conducted in the same manner as before. The
results for this week's "Con-Test" will be posted in next
week's edition.
Here's the profiles for this week's "Con"-Testants!
"Con"-Testant #1
Although police wanted to charge this man and his buddies for the
illegal use of firearms and for violation of several city
ordinances, no charges were filed. However, that does not
diminish the dumb stupidity this character displayed when he
took drastic steps to smoke-out a somewhat out numbered creature
that had already escaped the beer party target practice. Here is
a revised version of the original article that appeared in issue
56.
Irving Michaels and his buddies had a beer party that turned into
a shooting match when they spotted a raccoon. Everyone was so
drunk that all 35 shots fired from Michaels deck, missed the
raccoon. The raccoon was able to escape down a drainage pipe
which was located about 100 feet from the deck.
Irving Michaels was not about to let this poor creature escape.
He had to find a way to get the raccoon out of the drainage pipe.
Brilliantly or not, he determined that the best way to get the
animal out of the pipe was to smoke him out. However, his method
of doing this was somewhat questionable. He got a gas can and
poured a small portion of it down the sloping pipe and then tried
to ignite the fuel. Well this first attempt didn't work so he
poured the entire 5 gallons of gas down into the pipe, but was
once again unsuccessful in igniting the gas.
Michaels probably thought about the situation for a moment and
then came up with his most brilliant idea. That's when he slide
down into the pipe feet first. After sliding down about 15 feet
into the pipe he figured he was closer to the gas and would have
a better chance of igniting it with a match.
Well, Mr. Michaels was absolutely right. He did ignite the gas.
However, he didn't receive the expected result. Witnesses were
amazed when they saw a massive fireball coming out of the pipe.
And yes! Mr. Michaels was part of that fireball! He was propelled
at such a high speed that one witness likened it to a missile
being fired from a submarine. He was actually propelled over the
top of his house. It was estimated that he traveled over 200 feet
in the air before landing in his front yard.
Believe it or not, Irving Michaels escaped any major injury. Only
a few bumps and bruises and assorted scratches.
"Con"-Testant #2
This dumb crook thought he had planned the perfect crime, but as
you will soon discover, he forgot to check-out everything. Here
is a slightly shortened version of the original article that
appeared in issue 57.
A man from Arlington, Texas saw an opportunity to grab some quick
cash. He worked in a factory down the street from a store that
cashed checks. Every Friday he went to this store to have his
paycheck cashed. He began to notice that an armored truck would
pick up several bags of cash from the store through a side door
that lead to a seldom used parking lot adjacent to a bus station.
The pick-up was at the same time every Friday. Since he was one
of the few people to park in the area where the armored truck
made it's pick-up, he thought he could hold-up the guards and
make a fast get-away.
After planning out his strategy, he finally decided to go through
with his plan. He waited for the armored truck to arrive and for
the two guards to come out of the side door with the bags of
money. After getting the jump on the guards,he was able to force
them to drop the bags of money and to hand over their guns.
However, unknown to the robber, a group of Japanese tourist were
just getting ready to re-enter their tour bus. The whole group
saw the entire robbery. Japanese tourist just love to take
pictures and this group of tourist were no different. They were
able to snap dozens of pictures from various angles. They got
good shots of the robber, his car and at least six pictures of
his license plate clearly and completely displayed. With all of
this evidence, police were able to determine who owned the
get-away car and where he lived. The suspect was arrested that
same day and charged with the armed robbery. After seeing all the
evidence and with over 15 Japanese tourist willing to testify
against him, this man admitted to the crime.
"Con"-Testant #3
This "Con-Testant" was featured in an article that appeared in
issue 57. This criminal really worked for his money, but he
didn't get as much as he thought. What I don't understand is why
he parked his car so far away from the scene of the crime.
A man in Providence, Rhode Island lurked behind an armored truck
with the intention of knocking-out a guard who was making a
pick-up at a grocery store. After plunking the guard on the head
with a ball bat, the suspect took the first four bags of money
that were easiest to reach and proceeded to drag them down the
sidewalk. His car was parked in a lot that was located about
three blocks from the scene of the crime. The bags were so heavy
that the suspect had to stop several times to catch his breath
and renew his energy. Unfortunately for him, police had already
been alerted by the guard about the robbery and they were soon in
the area where the robbery had taken place. It wasn't long before
police spotted the suspect and an arrest was made. It was later
determined that all four bags contained just $800 in coins. They
all contained pennies only. Each bag weighed in at approximately
30 pounds each.
_________________
Cast your vote now by clicking the following url.
Bizarre Police Chronicles
Once there click the poll button on our main menu.
The above url is our new server. Please use this url to cast
your vote. I have listed the old server next. Only use this
if you have a problem with the new server or e-mail your
vote using the e-mail address below.
Bizarre Police Chronicles
If you run into any problems with the poll working, you can
e-mail your vote to:
Vote
Put the # of the "Con-Testant" you are voting for in the body
of the e-mail or you can simply list it after the word Vote on
the subject line.
_________________________________________________________________
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_________________________________________________________________
Feature Story: Who's That In The Back Seat?
Two teen-age boys from Farmington Hills, Michigan decided to take
up the profession of stealing cars. They were told that a good
place to start would be along a stretch of road called Nine Mile-
Haggerty Road. There were always cars parked along this road and
all they had to do was find a car that was unlocked or easy to
break into.
The boys found a car that was unlocked and proceeded to hot-wire
the vehicle to complete their first car theft. However, to their
surprise, the boys discovered that they were not alone. The back
seat was occupied. In their haste to steal their first car, they
didn't notice the man in the back seat. Unfortunately for the two
boys, the man in the back seat was an undercover police officer
who was on a stake-out in another case.
The officer placed both boys under arrest. A patrol car was
called to transport the teenagers to the police station. The
undercover officer then continued his stake-out. Police may now
consider placing decoy cars along this roadway to catch other
would-be car thieves.
________________________________________________________________
Do you have a true story about a dumb crook, a bizarre 911 call
or other related story! E-mail it to the "Chronicles so that we
can share it with our readers. Where possible, please include
info that will allow us to verify your submission, such as
newspaper name where the story appeared, etc. Send your
submissions to:
Stories
_________________________________________________________________
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Quick Wit...A Few Short But Witty Jokes!
What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?
They're both extinct.
.......
A young man was taking a verbal test to join the local police
force. The question asked, "If you were driving a police car,
alone on a lonely road at night, and were being chased by a gang
of criminals driving sixty miles an hour, what would you do?"
The young man answered without a second's thought: "Seventy!"
.......
A cop walks down the Santa Monica pier. He suddenly hears a man
screaming: "HELP! HELP ME! I CAN'T SWIM! I CAN'T SWIM." The
officer looks down the pier and sees the man struggling in the
water... "Well that's a good thing sir, cause you're not allowed
to swim here."
_______________________________________________________________
Attention Subscribers: If you have a joke suitable for possible
inclusion in an upcoming issue, please send it to:
Jokes
Please keep it clean and relevant to the "Chronicles" general
theme.
_________________________________________________________________
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________________________________________________________________
Feature Story: Police Close Case On The Texas Chimney Burglar!
A small Texas town was experiencing a rash of burglaries which
were obviously committed by the same person. The burglar would
gain access to homes and businesses by entering through a chimney
or some kind of duct system. Over 35 break-ins were attributed to
this one burglar. The break-ins were occurring on a very frequent
basis. In fact, there were about one or two break-ins everyday
over a 20 day period. Then, suddenly, the break-ins stopped.
Police assumed that the burglar moved on to another town or had
decided to quit while ahead.
Then, nearly one month after the last reported burglary, the case
was closed. This came about when a resident called the fire
department to investigate the peculiar smell coming from his
chimney. When the fire department went on the roof to investigate
the cause of the smell, they made a gruesome discovery. They found
the decomposed remains of a man who must have gotten stuck about
one third of the way down from the top of the chimney. The man
probably slipped down into a narrowed portion of the chimney in
his attempt to break-in. Stolen goods from another burglary of a
house about one block away was also found on the roof top. That
burglary was reported about four weeks earlier.
The man was later identified as a resident of the town who was
listed as unemployed. It's not known whether or not he called for
help when he got stuck. It was later disclosed that the people
living in the house, where the man died, were probably on
vacation the day the man tried to break-in. They were gone for
more than one week. This was more than enough time for the man
to die from dehydration.
_______________________________________________________________
Joke: Special Diet!
A policeman was terribly overweight and was getting heat from his
sergeant and humorous remarks from his fellow officers and was
ordered to go on a diet. The department doctor put him on a
special diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a
day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see
you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the officer
returned, he shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why,
that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
instructions?" The officer nodded. "I'll tell you though, I
thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger,
you mean?" "No, from skipping."
_________________________________________________________________
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Feature Story: Not Such A Clever Robbery Scheme After All!
A 19 year-old Jacksonville, Florida man robbed a First Union Bank
by presenting a note that informed the teller she better
cooperate because he had the bank wired with explosives. He also
explained in the note that any attempt to alert the police or
other bank personnel would be a big mistake. He stated in the
note that he had other bank personnel working with him and any
false move could cause deadly results.
The teller cooperated as instructed and turned over a large sum
of cash to the robber. He made his escape. After his escape, it
was determined that the man was working on his own. No bank
employees were involved in the robbery and the bank wasn't wired
with explosives.
However, the clever robbery scheme turned out not to be so clever
after all. The note that the robber gave the teller was written
on the back of a police report. A police report documenting the
robber's last arrest. It didn't take police long to track this
robber down. He thought he had gotten away with the robbery and
was in no hurry to leave town. Police arrested him the next day
when he arrived at an office near the court house. He was there
to keep his appointment with his parole officer.
_______________________________________________________________
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Vote for Bizarre Police Chronicles by visiting "Absea's Top 300
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Weekly Quotes To Remember!
"Temptations come, as a general rule, when they are sought."
-- Margaret Oliphant
"You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
the people all of the time, but you can't fool Mom."
-- Unknown
"Coming together is a beginning, staying together is progress,
and working together is success."
-- Henry Ford
"Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add
it to your regular duties."
-- Doug Larson
The other day I told my wife, 'I lost my wallet, I'm very
depressed.' She said, 'That makes two of you. You and the guy
who found it.'
-- Rodney Dangerfield
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Cartoon Picks Of The Week!
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Diet Prayer..
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He has forgotten...
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Alien's T-Shirt..
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Strange And Bizarre Laws!
_________________________
Some of these laws are actually still on the books, while others
no longer exist. In any case, I hope you find them amusing and
somewhat thought provoking.
_________________________________________________________________
Whistling while under water can get you thrown in jail in the
state of Vermont. I don't know about you, but I find this feat
a bit too difficult to accomplish.
I sure hope this law is off the books. It was an old law in the
state of Arkansas that made it legal for a man to beat his wife
once a month. However, the husband could get arrested for beating
his wife more than once in the same month.
Hawaii forbids you from placing coins in your ears.
Indiana forbids liquor stores from selling milk and grocery
stores are not allowed to sell any alcoholic beverage cold.
Jumping off of a building in New York once carried the death
sentence as it's penalty. Of course, if a person jumped off of
a skyscraper, he wouldn't have to worry to much about this law.
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Answer To Last Week's Trivia Quiz!
Last week's question was:
According to the Department of Criminal Justice, what percent of
the total crime committed in the United States is violent?
1) only 3 percent
2) only 6 percent
3) a big 12 percent
4) a big 18 percent
5) a staggering 26 percent
The correct answer is (2) only 6 percent.
_________________________________________________________________
This Week's Trivia Quiz!
Here's this week's trivia question. Answer this week can be
found below. It appears immediately after the "Bumper Stickers
As Seen By Joe The Cop" section.
Over 80% of all burglaries in the United States are committed
by people from which one of the following age groups.
1) 13-21 years old
2) 22-30 years old
3) 31-39 years old
4) 40-48 years old
5) 49 or older
_________________________________________________________________
Funny Picture Of The Week!
What you eat...
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_________________________________________________________________
Joke: Locked Out!
A women in distress flags down a passing patrol car and explains
she locked herself out of her car. The officer retrieves the old
Slim Jim and proceeds to start working on the door. In the
meantime,the women runs to the store to get a pack of cigarettes.
When she returns, she watches the skillful officer from the
passenger side window, try to unlock the door. Instinctively she
tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," she
announced to the officer, "It's open!" "I know," answered the
cop, "I already got that side."
_________________________________________________________________
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Bumper Stickers As Seen By Joe The Cop!
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal
Not so close! I'm still making payments.
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP!
Coffee, chocolate, men; some things are just better rich.
Wanted: meaningful overnight relationship.
Old age comes at a bad time.
____________________________________________________________
Answer to "This Week's Trivia Quiz"
The correct answer is (1) 13-21 years old
____________________________________________________________
Well, that's all for this issue. As always, I hope you enjoyed
it as much as I enjoyed bringing it to you. I would like to
invite you to recommend my newsletter to your friends, relatives
and associates. Feel free to forward copies to them so they may
also experience the "Bizarre Police Chronicles." They can
subscribe by sending a blank e-mail to:
Subscribe
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regarding any aspect of my newsletter. Your input will be
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Best Wishes,
Jerry Romans
Editor
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Last Update: Saturday, June 09, 2001 18:17:38
