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Welcome To
Bizarre Police Chronicles
Issue No. 62
June 08 2001
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Hello once again to all my regular readers and a special
welcome to all new subscribers. This is the 62nd issue. I hope
you will enjoy the interesting stories and special features in
this edition. Please feel free to e-mail copies of this
newsletter to your friends, relatives, and associates. Please
encourage them to subscribe so that they may also experience
the "Bizarre Police Chronicles."
Index:
Dumbest Crook Of The Week Award!
*Last Week's Results!
*This Week's "Con-Testants!"
Feature Story: Exploding Money Too Hot For Robbers To Handle!
Quick Wit...A Few Short But Witty Jokes!
Feature Story: Teenager Robs Bank! Mom Is Driving Get-Away Car!
Lawyer Joke: Dear Abbey!
Feature Story: Dumb Crook Does His Own Cuffing!
Weekly Quotes To Remember!
Cartoon Picks Of The Week!
Strange And Bizarre Laws!
This Week's Trivia Quiz!
Funny Picture Of The Week!
Joke: Super Bowl!
Bumper Stickers As Seen By Joe The Cop!
Answer to "This Week's Trivia Quiz"
_______________________________________________________________
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Dumbest Crook Of The Week Award!
Results From Last Week!
The "Con-Testants were:
"Con"-Testant #1
Irving Michaels and his buddies had a beer party that turned into
a shooting match when they spotted a raccoon. Everyone was so
drunk that all 35 shots fired from Michaels deck, missed the
raccoon. The raccoon was able to escape down a drainage pipe
which was located about 100 feet from the deck.
Irving Michaels was not about to let this poor creature escape.
He had to find a way to get the raccoon out of the drainage pipe.
Brilliantly or not, he determined that the best way to get the
animal out of the pipe was to smoke him out. However, his method
of doing this was somewhat questionable. He got a gas can and
poured a small portion of it down the sloping pipe and then tried
to ignite the fuel. Well this first attempt didn't work so he
poured the entire 5 gallons of gas down into the pipe, but was
once again unsuccessful in igniting the gas.
Michaels probably thought about the situation for a moment and
then came up with his most brilliant idea. That's when he slide
down into the pipe feet first. After sliding down about 15 feet
into the pipe he figured he was closer to the gas and would have
a better chance of igniting it with a match.
Well, Mr. Michaels was absolutely right. He did ignite the gas.
However, he didn't receive the expected result. Witnesses were
amazed when they saw a massive fireball coming out of the pipe.
And yes! Mr. Michaels was part of that fireball! He was propelled
at such a high speed that one witness likened it to a missile
being fired from a submarine. He was actually propelled over the
top of his house. It was estimated that he traveled over 200 feet
in the air before landing in his front yard.
Believe it or not, Irving Michaels escaped any major injury. Only
a few bumps and bruises and assorted scratches.
"Con"-Testant #2
A man from Arlington, Texas saw an opportunity to grab some quick
cash. He worked in a factory down the street from a store that
cashed checks. Every Friday he went to this store to have his
paycheck cashed. He began to notice that an armored truck would
pick up several bags of cash from the store through a side door
that lead to a seldom used parking lot adjacent to a bus station.
The pick-up was at the same time every Friday. Since he was one
of the few people to park in the area where the armored truck
made it's pick-up, he thought he could hold-up the guards and
make a fast get-away.
After planning out his strategy, he finally decided to go through
with his plan. He waited for the armored truck to arrive and for
the two guards to come out of the side door with the bags of
money. After getting the jump on the guards,he was able to force
them to drop the bags of money and to hand over their guns.
However, unknown to the robber, a group of Japanese tourist were
just getting ready to re-enter their tour bus. The whole group
saw the entire robbery. Japanese tourist just love to take
pictures and this group of tourist were no different. They were
able to snap dozens of pictures from various angles. They got
good shots of the robber, his car and at least six pictures of
his license plate clearly and completely displayed. With all of
this evidence, police were able to determine who owned the
get-away car and where he lived. The suspect was arrested that
same day and charged with the armed robbery. After seeing all the
evidence and with over 15 Japanese tourist willing to testify
against him, this man admitted to the crime.
"Con"-Testant #3
A man in Providence, Rhode Island lurked behind an armored truck
with the intention of knocking-out a guard who was making a
pick-up at a grocery store. After plunking the guard on the head
with a ball bat, the suspect took the first four bags of money
that were easiest to reach and proceeded to drag them down the
sidewalk. His car was parked in a lot that was located about
three blocks from the scene of the crime. The bags were so heavy
that the suspect had to stop several times to catch his breath
and renew his energy. Unfortunately for him, police had already
been alerted by the guard about the robbery and they were soon in
the area where the robbery had taken place. It wasn't long before
police spotted the suspect and an arrest was made. It was later
determined that all four bags contained just $800 in coins. They
all contained pennies only. Each bag weighed in at approximately
30 pounds each.
"Con"-Testant #1 received 36 total votes.
"Con"-Testant #2 received 2 total votes.
"Con"-Testant #3 received 15 total votes.
53 Grand Total
As you can see from the results above, last week's winner was
#1. He received more than double the votes of the other two
"Con"-Testant's" combined. I voted for #1 last week and now my
personal record stands at 26 wins and 15 losses.
Total vote count has been down in the last couple of weeks and
is probably due to the change I had to make on the poll page.
The original poll service doesn't appear to exist any longer,
so please bear with me while I try to find a suitable
replacement. I do like the service I am now using, but have
received comments from subscribers explaining that the poll
takes longer to load. I'm still looking, so please be patient.
Hopefully, I'll find a dependable service that will load fast
and have all the features of the original polling service.
__________________________
This Week's "Con"-Testants:
I hope you will participate in this week's voting. If you are
voting for the first time, just follow the instructions listed
after the three "Con"-Testant profiles below.
Voting will be conducted in the same manner as before. The
results for this week's "Con-Test" will be posted in next
week's edition.
Here's the profiles for this week's "Con"-Testants!
"Con"-Testant #1
This candidate was featured in a story that appeared in issue
#57. When you read the profile below, you may at first believe
that this man just ran into bad luck, but just remember one
thing that is sure to brand this character a real "Dummy"... He
was too dumb to realize the bank was swarming with uniformed
cops. Anyone else would have seen that many cops and would have
abandoned any idea of robbing the bank. Now here is the profile:
A man in Columbus, Ohio picked the wrong day to rob a bank.
Employees of the bank were receiving instructions on what they
should do during a bank robbery. There were a number of police
officers conducting the various aspects of the course. Some of
the officers were in uniform and some in civilian clothing.
After entering the bank, the robber gave one of the tellers a
note demanding cash. However, the robber was in for the surprise
of his life when the teller handed the note to a police officer
that was standing right next to her. He had just explained some
of the finer points of what to do if someone handed her a note
demanding money. Obviously, the armed robber didn't see the
officer standing next to the teller, and he didn't notice any
of the other uniformed policemen in the bank.
The robber's immediate reaction was to turn around and run out of
the bank. However, when he turned to make his escape, he quickly
realized that an escape was not an option. He was looking at five
more policemen and each of them were pointing their guns at the
suspect.
The bank employees got a real to life lesson on what to do during
a robbery and the police were able to capture a robber before he
had a chance to draw his weapon. In fact, the robber turned out
to be a suspect believed to be involved in over 40 other
robberies. This was an arrest that solved many crimes and
probably prevented many more from being committed.
"Con"-Testant #2
This next character was profiled in a story that appeared in
issue #58. Here is his "Ice Capades."
A Delaware man was arrested for attempted murder when he tried
to beat his cousin to death with frozen meats.
When the two men starting arguing, the accused suspect went into
his kitchen and removed frozen meats from his freezer. He started
beating his cousin with the meats and finally ended the attack by
hitting his victim over the head with a frozen six-pound turkey.
When his cousin tried to get-up from the floor, the suspect made
death threats by telling his cousin he would beat him to death
with the five-pound block of hamburger that he was holding in his
hand at that moment.
Relatives were able to intervene and prevent any further attack
from occurring. Police were called and the suspect was arrested.
The initial charge of attempted murder will probably be dropped,
but the prosecuting attorney may demand that the suspect be
charged with misdemeanor assault.
"Con"-Testant #3
This final "Con-Testant" must have lacked some sort of brain
connection. He's a prime example of why the jails and prisons
are getting so over crowded. Here is his profile which originally
appeared as a feature story in issue #58.
An 18 year-old Tennessee man, who was in court recently on a
minor traffic offense, now faces up to 12 years in prison. When
he raised his hand to be sworn in, a packet of cocaine fell from
his pocket. The young man was immediately arrested on a number of
drug charges. After the arrest, police found more packets of
cocaine and other drugs in this man's possession. You would think
that anyone going into a court room, for any reason, would have
enough sense to leave the drugs at home. Some people just don't
have a clue, but I guess that's why crime doesn't pay!!
_________________
Cast your vote now by clicking the following url.
Bizarre Police Chronicles
Once there click the poll button on our main menu.
The above url is our new server. Please use this url to cast
your vote. I have listed the old server next. Only use this
if you have a problem with the new server or e-mail your
vote using the e-mail address below.
Bizarre Police Chronicles
If you run into any problems with the poll working, you can
e-mail your vote to:
E-Mail Vote
Put the # of the "Con-Testant" you are voting for in the body
of the e-mail or you can simply list it after the word Vote on
the subject line.
_________________________________________________________________
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Feature Story: Exploding Money Too Hot For Robbers To Handle!
Four men surprised the guards of an armored truck that was
making a pick-up at a department store near Montreal, Canada.
The robbers were able to drive-off with the truck to a place
approximately one half mile from the department store. They then
proceeded to break into the back of the truck where all of the
money was safely secured.
Their plan included the use of blow torches for the purpose of
melting the lock off of the truck's door. However, they used too
many torches and created so much heat, that an explosion
occurred. The lock came off, but because of the explosion, all
of the money caught on fire. Also, the armored truck was
equipped with an alarm system. As soon as the lock opened, the
alarm was triggered. Police were already in the area searching
for the robbers. They heard the alarm. It wasn't long before a
Swat team was also alerted. The men were surrounded and quickly
apprehended without a fight.
________________________________________________________________
Do you have a true story about a dumb crook, a bizarre 911 call
or other related story! E-mail it to the "Chronicles so that we
can share it with our readers. Where possible, please include
info that will allow us to verify your submission, such as
newspaper name where the story appeared, etc. Send your
submissions to:
Stories
_________________________________________________________________
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_________________________________________________________________
Quick Wit...A Few Short But Witty Jokes!
An old con was talking to a new inmate in prison. "What are ya
in for kid." "I tried to make a new kind of car." He replied.
"I took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from an
Oldsmobile, the tires from a Cadillac, and the exhaust system
from a Plymouth." "Really? What did you get?" "Fifteen years
for theft."
.......
Four dudes-the Easter Bunny, Santa, A policeman and an Honest
Lawyer are walking side-by-side down the road. They see a $100
dollar bill in the middle of the road. They all grab for it,
at once. Who gets it? The cop - all the other ones are
fictitious characters.
.......
A lady with a station wagon full of little league baseball
players ran a stop sign and almost rammed a police car. The
officer got out of the cruiser and screamed, "Listen lady,
don't you know when to stop? The lady replied, "Honest,
Officer, these kids are not all mine".
_______________________________________________________________
Attention Subscribers: If you have a joke suitable for possible
inclusion in an upcoming issue, please send it to:
Jokes
Please keep it clean and relevant to the "Chronicles" general
theme.
_________________________________________________________________
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Feature Story: Teenager Robs Bank! Mom Is Driving Get-Away Car!
A fifteen year old boy from a small town outside of Houston,
Texas, devised a plan to rob the town's local bank. His biggest
problem was getting someone to drive the get-away car. He was
not old enough to drive, so he had to come up with a scheme to
have someone else drive him to the bank and then wait for him
while he followed through with the robbery. Well, he convinced
his mother to drive him to the bank under the pretense that he
wanted to add some money to his savings account. He wasn't about
to tell her that she would actually be driving a get-away car.
When the time came to leave for the bank, this young man got
his small caliber handgun and concealed it under his shirt so
that his mom would not suspect anything. She drove him to the
bank and told him to hurry up and not to take all day because
she had other things to do.
Well, the young man did hurry, in fact he was only in the bank
about four minutes. In that time he was able to get a bag full
of cash. He ran out of the bank, but mom was gone. He looked all
around, but couldn't find her. So his only option was to start
running down the street with the hope that his mom might see him
and pick him up. While running, he noticed his mom getting out
of her car across the street at the grocery store. She had
decided to drive to the store and pick up a couple of items for
supper that night. She figured her son could wait a few minutes,
in front of the bank, if he finished before she was done at the
store.
However, it was to late for this young man to make his escape.
The bank security guard was already in pursuit of the robber
and police were on their way. The guard spotted the young man
as he was crossing over to the other side of the street where
his mother had just parked her car. Before the boy could reach
his mom's car, the guard was able to catch up with the young
robber and place him under arrest. Police arrived moments later.
People in the store were curious about what was happening
including the young man's mother. When she saw that the police
had her son handcuffed, she was totally surprised and confused.
She followed the patrol car to the police station and later
found out why her son had been arrested.
Her son faces armed robbery charges and will more than likely
serve some time in the penitentiary for youthful offenders that
is located several miles from where the young man lived. A
bizarre twist to this young man's situation is that his mother
works for the prison as a teacher specializing in training young
men on how to make better choices in the way they conduct their
lives. Even more bizarre, the boy's dad is an assistant to the
warden.
_______________________________________________________________
Lawyer Joke: Dear Abbey!
DEAR ABBEY - I HAVE A PROBLEM I have two brothers and two
sisters, one brother is a Lawyer, the other was just sentenced
to death for murder.
My mother died from insanity when I was young. My two sisters
are prostitutes, my father sells narcotics to feed the family.
Recently I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where
she served time for smothering her illegitimate child and I
want very, much to marry her, my problem is this...
If I marry this girl, should I tell her about my brother, the
Lawyer? Please advise ...
________________________________________________________________
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Feature Story: Dumb Crook Does His Own Cuffing!
A man called police because he had had been playing with a set
of cuffs and had accidentally handcuffed himself to his car door.
Fortunately, he was able to reach his cell phone to make the
call.
The officer responding to the call made a routine computer check
on the man and discovered that the man had outstanding warrants
for failure to appear in court for a number of driving violations
over the past four months.
Instead of attempting to remove the cuffs, the officer took the
man into custody and transported him to jail. The cuffs were
finally removed, but the man was already in jail.
________________________________________________________________
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Vote for Bizarre Police Chronicles by visiting "Absea's Top 300
Cop Sites." When you click the following url your vote will be
automatically recorded. When you go to "Absea's" be sure to
visit some of the other great cop sites listed.
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________________________________________________________________
Weekly Quotes To Remember!
"Temptation is a woman's weapon and man's excuse."
-- H. L. Mencken
"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if
you just show up and try to do the right thing, the
dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you
don't give up."
-- Anne Lamott
"Though no one can go back and make a brand new
start, anyone can start from now and make a
brand new ending."
-- Carl Bard
"I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends.
I can win an argument on any topic, against any
opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me
at parties. Often, as a sign of their great
respect, they don't even invite me."
-- Dave Barry
"I always turn to the sports pages first, which records
people's accomplishments. The front page has nothing
but man's failures."
-- Chief Justice Earl Warren
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Cartoon Picks Of The Week!
Cartoon #1
Lost in the handbag...
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Cartoon #2
We Cried...
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Cartoon #3
Superhero thoughts...
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Cartoon #4
It's a spy bird...
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Cartoon #5
I swear...
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______________________________________________________________
Recommend Bizarre Police Chronicles to your friends and cast
your vote at Fun-Lists. Go to:
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________________________________________________________________
Strange And Bizarre Laws!
_________________________
Some of these laws are actually still on the books, while others
no longer exist. In any case, I hope you find them amusing and
somewhat thought provoking.
_________________________________________________________________
An old law in Kentucky made it illegal for a person not to take a
bath at least once a year.
Caroline County, Md., passed a law that was directed at Gypsies.
It forbids anyone from forecasting the future. Violators could be
fined $100 and get up to six months in jail.
An old law in Jonesboro, Georgia, made it illegal to use the
expression "Oh boy."
"Startling or unusual" haircuts are against the law for children
in Mesquite, Texas.
It must have been a dull session for Iowa legislators! For lack
of passing any real resolutions, one legislator proposed a bill
that would order the state cafeteria to start serving cornbread.
The bill actually passed and is now a law.
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This Week's Trivia Quiz!
Here's this week's trivia question. Answer this week can be
found below. It appears immediately after the "Bumper Stickers
As Seen By Joe The Cop" section.
Each week in the United States, the population of state and
federal prisons increases by approximately how many inmates?
1) 200
2) 500
3) 1000
4) 5000
5) 10,000
_________________________________________________________________
Funny Picture Of The Week!
Confusing sign..
AOL Users
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_________________________________________________________________
Joke: Super Bowl!
Patrolman Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from
his department for outstanding police work. Unfortunately,
when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the
last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the
Goodyear blimp than the field. About halfway through the first
quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field,
right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and
makes his way through the stadium and around the security
guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the
gentleman sitting next to him,
"Excuse me, is anyone sitting
here?"
The man says
"No."
Now, very excited to be in such a
great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to
him,
"This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a
seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?"
The man
replies,
"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was
supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is
the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got
married in 1967."
"Well, that's really sad," says officer Bob,
"but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A
relative or close friend?"
"No,"
the man replies,
"they're all
at the funeral."
_________________________________________________________________
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Bumper Stickers As Seen By Joe The Cop!
If brains were dynamite, you couldn't blow your nose
He who stands on toilet is high on pot!
Who closes the door after the bus driver gets out.
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
My internet service crashes so much, I have to wear a helmet!
Don't let your mind wander, it's to little to be left alone
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
___________________________________________________________
Answer to "This Week's Trivia Quiz"
The correct answer is (3) 1000
______________________________________________________________
Well, that's all for this issue. As always, I hope you enjoyed
it as much as I enjoyed bringing it to you. I would like to
invite you to recommend my newsletter to your friends, relatives
and associates. Feel free to forward copies to them so they may
also experience the "Bizarre Police Chronicles." They can
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Best Wishes,
Jerry Romans
Editor
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Last Update: Saturday, June 09, 2001 20:29:04
