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Welcome To
Bizarre Police Chronicles
Issue No. 64
June 24 2001
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Hello once again to all my regular readers and a special welcome to all new subscribers. This is the 64th issue. I hope you will enjoy the interesting stories and special features in this edition. Please feel free to e-mail copies of this newsletter to your friends, relatives, and associates. Please encourage them to subscribe so that they may also experience the "Bizarre Police Chronicles."

Index:

Dumbest Crook Of The Week Award!
*Last Week's Results!
*This Week's "Con-Testants!"
Feature Story: Tire Store Robbery Goes Flat!
Quick Wit...A Few Short But Witty Jokes!
Short Feature Story: Fairgrounds Shoot-out Wounds Eight!
Joke: SIGNS YOU'RE AN OVERWEIGHT COP!
Feature Story: Judge Goes Berserk! Bites Defendant!
Weekly Quotes To Remember!
Cartoon Picks Of The Week!
Strange And Bizarre Laws!
This Week's Trivia Quiz!
Funny Picture Of The Week!
Joke: Jump!
Bumper Stickers As Seen By Joe The Cop!
Answer to "This Week's Trivia Quiz"
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Dumbest Crook Of The Week Award!

Results From Last Week!
The "Con-Testants were:

"Con"-Testant #1
A Copenhagen, Denmark college student was becoming very good at hacking into computers. He wanted to show-off to his room mates by randomly hacking into a computer system. Unfortunately, he soon discovered that the computer system he was trying to hack, was owned by the Copenhagen Police Department's supervisor of Computer-Crime Task Force.

The sophisticated computer system was too much for this hacker to handle. When he thought he had hacked into their system, he realized he had been hacked instead. The Crime Task Force computer security system actually was able to track down the location of the hacker's computer and even got the hacker to reveal his name.

Officers from the Task Force arrested the student hacker within less than two hours after the hacking attempt. The Task Force investigators were able to charge the student with ten other previous hacking crimes and for his attempt at hacking into their computer system.

"Con"-Testant #2
A Kansas woman has been arrested and charged in a conspiracy to murder her husband. She met two men at a little league baseball game and started to explain to them about her husband's valuable collection of baseball cards. During the conversation, she hinted to the two men that if they were interested in owning her husband's entire collection of cards, she could arrange for it to happen at no cost. All they would have to do is murder her husband.

Both men appeared to be very interested in her offer. After further conversation, the woman laid-out her scheme of how the two men were to carry-out the murder. She had planned on making it look like a robbery. The men were suppose to rob her husband as he left the service station that he owned. She knew that her husband exited thru a back door of the station at or around midnight every night. He would always leave the service station carrying a bag of money with that day's receipts. From there he would make a drop-off at the night depository at the local bank.

The woman told the two men that it would be an easy kill because no one else would be around and the exit her husband would use was off the main road. There were plenty of bushes and trees to hide the exit from anyone who might be passing by. There were no other businesses or homes close by. This would be a perfect place to carryout the crime. She also told the men that they could keep any money they got from the robbery, but that they had to make sure that they killed her husband or the offer to give them the card collection was off.

The arrangement was for the two men to kill her husband and then call her at home when the job had been completed. She would then wait about two hours and then call the police to report that she was worried about why her husband had not come home from his business and request that the police go to the station to check if her husband was alright. She would tell police that she called the station, but couldn't get an answer.

The final arrangement in this murder conspiracy would be the payoff. She arranged for the two men to receive the baseball cards at a little league game, that following week. To avert any suspicion, the two men were suppose to tell anyone who saw them receive the cards, that they were buying the collection from a woman who had just lost her husband in a violent robbery and that she needed the money to help offset funeral expenses.

On the night that she had selected for the murder of her husband, she received the expected call from the two men that the job had been done. As planned, she waited about two hours before calling the police. Police then called her back about twenty minutes later. They asked her to come down to the service station because something had happened to her husband.

When she arrived, she was greeted by several officers and escorted thru the back door of the service station. A puzzled look came upon her face. Where was her husband's body? It wasn't outside the door as expected. Maybe her husband ran back into the station and they killed him there. At least that was her hope. When she entered into the station, she got the surprise of her life. Her husband and the two men who she hired to murder him were standing together. To this woman's dismay, she soon discovered that the two men she had hired were detectives for the local police department. After the woman had conspired to kill her husband, the detectives contacted the husband and a sting operation was set-up. The testimony of the detectives would be a key factor to get a conviction on the conspiracy to murder, but by actually carrying-out her part of the conspiracy, prosecutors were able to make a solid case that would stick. She was found guilty of the murder conspiracy and was sentenced to 10 to 15 years behind bars.

"Con"-Testant #3
An Indiana man was recently arrested for attempting to rob a convenience store. It was attempted robbery because this dumb criminal didn't even make it into the store before he was arrested. He told a bystander that he was going to rob the store. He gave the bystander a dollar and asked him to go into the store to buy a scarf that he would use to conceal his identity when he carried out the robbery. The bystander went into the store and used the dollar to call the police.

"Con"-Testant #1 received 6 total votes.
"Con"-Testant #2 received 31 total votes.
"Con"-Testant #3 received 60 total votes.
97 Grand Total

We almost made it to the 100 mark for votes cast last week. Thanks to everyone who voted. As you can see, #3 won by a landslide. He almost doubled the number of votes for #2.

I voted for #3. My personal record now stands at 28 wins and 15 losses.
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This Week's "Con"-Testants:

I hope you will participate in this week's voting. If you are voting for the first time, just follow the instructions listed after the three "Con"-Testant profiles below.

Voting will be conducted in the same manner as before. The results for this week's "Con-Test" will be posted in next week's edition.

Here's the profiles for this week's "Con"-Testants!

"Con"-Testant #1
This candidate was originally profiled in a story that appeared in issue #59. He actually invites the police to join his party at the scene of the crime.

Police responded to an alarm at a Daytona Beach, Florida liquor store. It was nearly 4 A.M, so police asked the store's owner to meet them at the store to provide a key for them to gain entry.

However, when police arrived, they discovered that the front door was wide open. All the lights in the store were on and loud music could be heard. It was like a party was going on. When police entered to investigate, they discovered a man sitting in a shopping cart. He was drinking liquor and eating potato chips and pretzels. In the floor next to the cart was a large boom box from which the loud vibrating music was coming from. The man was wearing nothing but a ball cap on his head and socks on his feet.

The man was so drunk that he was almost unaware that he was surrounded by police officers. When he did recognize that they were there, he invited them all to participate in his party.

Once the man sobered-up, after his arrest, he admitted to breaking into the store. In fact, he explained to police that he was one of the store's clerks. He had a key and knew the code for the store's security system. His original intent was to simply steal a case or two of his favorite liquor and leave. However, he decided to stay for a bit longer and sample some of the other liquors. He stayed too long and soon became very drunk. During his one man party, he broke into the owner's office to retrieve the boom box so he could enjoy music while sampling still more liquor. He wasn't aware that the office was equipped with an alarm system, so when he entered the office he activated the alarm that alerted the police.

The clerk lost his job and he was charged with burglary and indecent exposure. He was ordered to pay back the cost of the liquor he sampled and any other damages that he may have caused. He was given two years probation instead of a jail sentence.

"Con"-Testant #2
Honesty is not always the best policy as you'll soon discover when you read this dumb crooks profile. This story originally appeared in issue #60. See why this crook was selected to run in this week's "Con-Test."

This escapee has got to be one of the dumbest criminals I have read about in a long time. He was being escorted to jail in St. Petersburg, Florida, but managed to escape. During his escape, he suffered a number of cuts on his feet, but was still able to outrun the cops.

Police searched the area where their prisoner had escaped, but no sign of his whereabouts could be found. No one had seen him and no other clues to where he might be, could be found. It was as though the escapee at completely vanished.

However, police got a break in the case when the local hospital called to alert them that they thought they were treating a man who had escaped from jail. It's seems that the escapee filled out his hospital form with the reason or cause of injury being listed as "escape from jail."

Police went to the hospital and the prisoner was placed back into custody. He was transported to jail as originally planned. He now faces additional charges and time in prison for the escape.

"Con"-Testant #3
This dumb bank robber was profiled in a story that was featured in issue #60. This crook soon discovered that it's better to take the cash and not a check.

A Massachusetts man must have thought it was easy to rob a bank. He approached a teller at the Mutual Federal Savings Bank and demanded $40 million. The teller explained how it would be impossible to comply with such a high demand. The robber then reduced his demand to just $40,000. The teller was about to comply and was in the process of counting out the requested amount. However, the robber thought it would take to long, so he asked the teller to issue him a check for the $40,000. The teller complied. The robber left the bank and made his escape. However, he was arrested the next day, at his own bank, when he attempted to deposit the check into his own account. All banks in the state had been alerted to look out for a check for the amount of $40,000 which was made payable to the name provided by the bank robber.
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Cast your vote now by clicking the following url.

Bizarre Police Chronicles

Once there click the poll button on our main menu.

The above url is our new server. Please use this url to cast your vote. I have listed the old server next. Only use this if you have a problem with the new server or e-mail your vote using the e-mail address below.

Bizarre Police Chronicles

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E-Mail Vote Put the # of the "Con-Testant" you are voting for in the body of the e-mail or you can simply list it after the word Vote on the subject line.
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Feature Story: Tire Store Robbery Goes Flat!

Three Davenport, Washington men carefully planned a scheme to rob a tire store. The basic idea was to distract the two employees who worked in the lobby area of the store. One of the three men would keep one of the clerks busy by placing an order for a new set of tires. That clerk would have to come outside of the store to check the tires and give an estimate. While that clerk and the first thief were busy outside, one of the other thieves would distract the other clerk by asking him to show him some fancy "Hub Caps." Meantime, the third thief would break into the cash register. The outside thief would then return to the inside to make sure everything was going as planned and to assist in getting the cash drawer open if needed. Once the money was in hand, the three crooks would make their escape. Their get-away car would be conveniently parked right outside the front door of the lobby.

The plan went pretty much as expected. The outside clerk took the sales order from the first thief and went into the garage area to give the work order to the mechanics. The thief who had been outside went into the store to assist as needed. The crook that was suppose to grab the money had no problem opening the cash register. The thieves were ready to make their escape. They ran out of the store to make their get-away. However, they were in for a big surprise, they had not counted on the express service provided by the tire store. Their get-away car was already on the rack in the service bay. It was off the floor and all four tires were removed. The only option for the three men was to escape on foot. It didn't take police long to track them down.
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Do you have a true story about a dumb crook, a bizarre 911 call or other related story! E-mail it to the "Chronicles so that we can share it with our readers. Where possible, please include info that will allow us to verify your submission, such as newspaper name where the story appeared, etc. Send your submissions to:
Stories
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Quick Wit...A Few Short But Witty Jokes!

As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?" "There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."
.......

Q: Why didn't the policeman pay the rent on his outhouse?
A: He didn't like the lawyer living downstairs!
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Sign Posted In Department Store...
Warning to shoplifters: Anyone caught shoplifting will be beaten, gagged, whipped and tortured. Any survivors will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
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Attention Subscribers: If you have a joke suitable for possible inclusion in an upcoming issue, please send it to:
Jokes Please keep it clean and relevant to the "Chronicles" general theme.
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Short Feature Story: Fairgrounds Shoot-out Wounds Eight!

The fairgrounds located in a California suburb was the scene of an almost deadly gunfight. Not quite the okay corral, but pretty close. The shoot-out involved two men disputing who should get a prize at a basketball-toss game. When the gunfight was over, eight people were rushed to the hospital with bullet wounds. The prize they were fighting over was a very large overstuffed Tweety Bird. The wounded victims all survived and none suffered any kind of permanent injury. Tweety was unharmed. Both shooters were arrested and will face at least eight felony charges for the wounds they inflicted upon the innocent bystanders. They were both such bad shots that they missed each other entirely.
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Joke: SIGNS YOU'RE AN OVERWEIGHT COP!

You spend a lot of your time trying to apprehend Big Macs.

You have two holsters: One for your gun, one for Italian Sausage.

The last time you saw your feet, "Kojak" was on in prime time.

Instead of yelling "Freeze!" you yell "Fritos!"

Even a patrol car's big block engine can't propel you more than 30 mph.

You sometimes work undercover as a sofa.

You take the phrase, "Take a bite out of crime" too literally.

Several times a year, rescue workers have to use jaws of life to get you out of your squad car.

You're frequently used as a roadblock.
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Feature Story: Judge Goes Berserk! Bites Defendant!

A Morgantown, West Virginia judge has been indicted for violating the Federal Civil Rights Act. The charges against the judge stem from a confrontation between the judge and a defendant that appeared in his courtroom. The defendant had been charged with grand larceny and the judge had set the bond in this case at $40,000. The defendant thought the bond was too high and requested that it be lowered to a more reasonable amount. When the judge refused the request, the defendant cursed the judge. The judge took offense to the vulgar comments from the defendant and decided to confront the offender. He left his bench, walked over to the defendant and proceeded to bite off a portion of the man's nose. Officers in the court subdued the judge and escorted the defendant out of the court room. The defendant was rushed to the hospital for treatment, but remained in police custody while doctors stitched his nose.

The judge could get up to 10 years in prison and a fine of up to $250,000. It'll be a tense situation if the defendant and the judge end up in the same prison. Maybe they can be cell mates.
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Weekly Quotes To Remember!

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
-- Albert Einstein

"A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes."
-- Scottish Proverb

"When men are pure, laws are useless; when men are corrupt, laws are broken."
-- Benjamin Disraeli

"Did you ever read the book 'Everything I Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten?' I learned only two things in kindergarten: First, if someone has something you want you can take it from them by force. And second, Elmer's glue makes a great between-meals snack.
-- Gary Barkin

"It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues."
-- Abraham Lincoln
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Cartoon Picks Of The Week!

Cartoon #1
Bigmouth towel...
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Cartoon #2
Not in the vows....
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Cartoon #3
Gaining weight....
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Cartoon #4
Hold on, Ed!
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Cartoon #5
Get OFF!!
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Strange And Bizarre Laws!
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Some of these laws are actually still on the books, while others no longer exist. In any case, I hope you find them amusing and somewhat thought provoking.
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In South Bend, Indiana it is illegal to force a monkey to smoke a cigarette.

In Marshalltown, Iowa it is illegal to let your horse eat a fire hydrant.

Hunters Beware! You can get arrested in Kansas if you try shooting rabbits from a motorboat. (Do rabbits swim?)

Did you know that in order to fish in the Ohio River in Kentucky, you must obtain a fishing license for Indiana?

.......
Here's an interesting tid bit regarding the facts behind one of the bizarre laws recently listed in this section. The law was as follows.... An old law in Jonesboro, Georgia, made it illegal to use the expression "Oh boy." A subscriber by the name of Daniel Lewenstein submitted the following story behind this law.

A man who lived in Jonesboro, who was elderly and wealthy, would often hire young boys to do work for him by calling out to them and saying "Oh Boy." Some teenagers who heard him say this from time to time would holler "Oh Boy" every time they saw him. He got fed up with it and, as he had quite a bit of influence in the community, had the law passed that made it illegal to say "oh boy" in public. However, the teenagers had the last laugh. When they saw him in public after that, one teen would yell "oh" and another would yell "boy."

Thanks Daniel for the interesting tid bit.
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This Week's Trivia Quiz!

Here's this week's trivia question. Answer this week can be found below. It appears immediately after the "Bumper Stickers As Seen By Joe The Cop" section.

The U.S. Secret Service was created specifically for the purpose of combating what type of crime.

1) attempts at assassinating U.S. presidents
2) counterfeiting
3) crimes involving national security
4) spying
5) smuggling
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Funny Picture Of The Week!

A bit too fast...

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Joke: Jump!

Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!" The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!" The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious."
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Bumper Stickers As Seen By Joe The Cop!

There is no future in time travel.

My other car is Christine, and she's right behind you!

I lost half my brain and my other half is looking for it.

I used to be indecisive but now I'm not quite so sure.

Answer My Prayer...Take The CAR!!!!!

Never mind the dog: Beware of owner!!

Where will you be sitting in eternity--smoking or non-smoking?
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Answer to "This Week's Trivia Quiz"

The correct answer is (2) counterfeiting. The secret service was created in 1865 to combat the ever increasing problem of counterfeiting that occurred after the civil war. Then, in 1901 The Secret Service was assigned the task of protecting the President of The United States. This was after the crime of counterfeiting had substantially declined. Instead of eliminating The Secret Service, the U.S. government decided it needed to protect the president from possible assassination attempts. Abraham Lincoln, James A. Garfield and William McKinley had already been assassinated, so the federal government had been working on a master plan to create a special elite force that could handle safety matters related to protecting the president. The Secret Service was already established and employed the type of personnel that could handle the task. That's when The Secret Service as we know it today was established.
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Well, that's all for this issue. As always, I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed bringing it to you. I would like to invite you to recommend my newsletter to your friends, relatives and associates. Feel free to forward copies to them so they may also experience the "Bizarre Police Chronicles." They can subscribe by sending a blank e-mail to:

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Best Wishes,
Jerry Romans
Editor

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