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Welcome To
Bizarre Police Chronicles
Issue No. 70
August 23 2001
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Hello once again to all my regular readers and a special welcome to all new subscribers. This is the 70th issue. I hope you will enjoy the interesting stories and special features in this edition. Please feel free to e-mail copies of this newsletter to your friends, relatives, and associates. Please encourage them to subscribe so that they may also experience the "Bizarre Police Chronicles."

Index:

Dumbest Crook Of The Week Award!
*Last Week's Results!
*This Week's "Con-Testants!"
Feature Story: Drive-Thru Bandit Waits In Line As Cops Approach!
Quick Wit...A Few Short But Witty Jokes!
Feature Story: Crook Burglarizes Girlfriend's Apartment!
Joke: The Counterfeiter!
Joke: Blind Policeman!
Weekly Quotes To Remember!
Cartoon Picks Of The Week!
Strange And Bizarre Laws!
This Week's Trivia Quiz!
Funny Picture Of The Week!
Joke: Poison Mushrooms!
Bumper Stickers As Seen By Joe The Cop!
Answer to "This Week's Trivia Quiz"
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Dumbest Crook Of The Week Award!

Results From Last Week!
The "Con-Testants were:

"Con"-Testant #1
Another incident of road rage has landed a Jacksonville, Florida man behind bars. He was arrested for smashing his car into the side of another car that had five occupants. The enraged driver claimed that he became mad when the occupants, of the car he purposefully ran into, were laughing at him for picking his nose. They were making nose picking jesters along with the laughter. It was more than he could take, so he slammed into the side of their car.

After the crash, the enraged driver got out of his car with the intention of challenging the five occupants of the other car to a gun fight. However, the driver of the other car managed to drive away from the scene and call the police. The car of the enraged driver sustained more damage than the other car. It had a busted radiator and as a result, the driver was unable to continue his mad pursuit of the five intimidators.

Police arrived at the scene of the crash where they arrested the man on various charges including assault with a deadly weapon. In this case, the car was the deadly weapon. No gun could be found and the arrested suspect admitted that he was bluffing when he challenged the occupants of the other car to a gun fight. He was lucky that none of the occupants of the other car had a gun. With his display of extreme rage, he could have been shot without much hesitation. Most people believe you when you tell them you have a gun and fear rules. In this case, the driver of the other car drove away as fast as he could because he believed the mad man was armed and ready to shoot.

"Con"-Testant #2
Two teenagers from Florida, ages 14 and 15, were recently arrested again for stealing a car. This was the 25th car these boys had stolen in less than a period of two years. Somehow the judge released them after charging them with larceny. They were given a court date but not held over. Guess what! The boys had no way to get home from the courthouse and didn't have money for cab fare or even a bus. So what did they do? You guessed it! They stole another car. Within less than an hour the boys crashed into a fence and were once again arrested for their crime. I guess they will never learn until the judge decides to throw the book at them!

"Con"-Testant #3
A group of drug traffickers devised what they thought was a fail safe method of smuggling marijuana into the United States, from Mexico, via El Paso Texas. They rigged a propane tanker truck so that all of it's valves released propane when checked by the border patrol. There was no reason the border patrol should discover the 6240 pounds of marijuana concealed inside the tanker. At least that's what they thought.

As ingenious as they were in rigging the inside of the tanker, they were dumb when it came to the outside portion of the truck. Part of the scheme to conceal the stash was to make the inspectors believe that the tanker belonged to a well known tanker company that specialized in the transport of propane. These drug traffickers did a professional job of painting the name of this company on the side of the truck... However, this was the fatal flaw in the entire plan. Why? Because these not so smart schemers made the mistake of misspelling the name of the well known propane gas company. It didn't take the border inspectors long to figure out that something smelled and it wasn't propane.

"Con"-Testant #1 received 10 total votes.
"Con"-Testant #2 received 12 total votes.
"Con"-Testant #3 received 50 total votes.
Grand Total.............. 72 ............

With 50 of the total 72 votes cast in last week's "Con-Test," I can easily say that #3 won by a landslide. The drug traffickers described in #3 were pretty ingenious when they devised a way to rig the inside of the tanker, but typical of most criminals, they always do something dumb to get them caught. Most of you, that voted, thought that the simple mistake of misspelling the name of the propane company branded these crooks as last week's dumbest of the dumb.

I agreed with most of you by correctly selecting last week's winner. My vote for #3 puts my personal record at 33 wins and 16 losses.
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This Week's "Con"-Testants:

I hope you will participate in this week's voting. If you are voting for the first time, just follow the instructions listed after the three "Con"-Testant profiles below.

Voting will be conducted in the same manner as before. The results for this week's "Con-Test" will be posted in next week's edition.

Here's the profiles for this week's "Con"-Testants!

"Con"-Testant #1
This "Dumb Crook" nominee was first featured way back in issue #29. Learn how this glue sniffer thought he was in glue heaven and why he went through hell instead.

Glue sniffing has become a major problem in Brazil. Youngsters as well as young adults are constantly on the lookout for new ways to obtain the glue and new ways to sniff it.

Recently a man from Sao Paulo, Brazil broke into a glue factory that was closed for the weekend. To him, this was heaven! There were four large vats filled with glue. No glue sniffer could ask for more! The man didn't waste a moment of time. He went into an inhaling frenzy. He soon became disoriented and fell into one of the giant vats.

Fortunately for him, he fell through the vat and unto the wooden floor below. Unfortunately, he became glued to the floor. He was discovered Monday morning by factory workers. Emergency workers had to be called in to free him from his dilemma. They actually had to cut him from the floor before they could even start the process of removing the sticky substance from his body. After the man was unglued and checked out for other injuries, he was turned over to the local police.

"Con"-Testant #2
This nominee was featured in issue #28. He's a true example of why crime has no payday for the dumbest of the dumb. Discover why payday became playday for this crook! Here's his story as it originally appeared.

Even when a dumb criminal gets away with the crime, he can still show his ignorance. Recently a man robbed a bank and was able to make a clean escape.

During the robbery, this dumb crook demanded $100 bills only. When he opened his bag containing the loot, he thought that he had been tricked. All the bills looked like "play money" because they were different looking. Not at all what he had expected! Instead of investigating any further, this dummy throws all of the cash down a storm drain.

The bills turned out to be the new $100 bills now in circulation. If you've seen one you might agree that they look like "play money." Old Ben Franklin appears to be off center and his picture is some what larger than the older bills we all are accustom too. However, I don't believe I would throw them away like this dummy without finding out more. Most people, even if they haven't seen the new bills, have heard about the difference and have probably seen the newer lower denomination bills that also look like "play money."

"Con"-Testant #3
You should never drink and drive, and if you are drunk, don't stand in front of a train going 50 miles per hour. This candidate did! Find out what happened when the train couldn't stop. Here's the story as it originally appeared in issue #28.

A man from Minnesota was so drunk that he must have thought that he was "Superman" or in his case "Super Drunk." He became highly aggravated when the engineer of an oncoming freight train kept blowing the train's horn. To show his protest, our "Super Drunk" stands on the track and gives the engineer a finger gesture. The engineer was unable to stop the train and hits this man while traveling at an estimated speed of 50 miles per hour. As bizarre as it may seem, this man actually survived his challenge against the train. He received some very minor injuries. He was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct, but charges were eventually dropped. The judge felt that the man's close brush with death was enough punishment.
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Cast your vote now by clicking the following url.

Bizarre Police Chronicles

Once there click the poll button on our main menu.

The above url is our new server. Please use this url to cast your vote. I have listed the old server next. Only use this if you have a problem with the new server or e-mail your vote using the e-mail address below.

Bizarre Police Chronicles

If you run into any problems with the poll working, you can e-mail your vote to:
E-Mail Vote Put the # of the "Con-Testant" you are voting for in the body of the e-mail or you can simply list it after the word Vote on the subject line.
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Feature Story: Drive-Thru Bandit Waits In Line As Cops Approach!

A North Carolina man attempted the armed robbery of a bank. He wanted a quick and easy get-away so he decided to use the drive- through facilities. When it was his turn at the window, he produced a note written on a bright green mini-pad. He wore a bandana over his face and he pointed a gun at the teller while she read the note. The note stated that the robber wanted ten thousand dollars in twenty dollar bills and that she should hurry or he would shoot.

What most people know is that the drive-through windows are made of a material that is bullet proof and that if you shoot at close range, the shooter could end up the victim as a result of the bullet bouncing off the glass. However, in this case, the teller simply pulled down a gate that covered the window, and then called 9-1-1.

When police arrived at the bank the robber was gone. The teller gave a description of the robber and demonstrated how she pulled down the window gate. When officers asked her to describe the get-away car, the teller was having some difficulty remembering the car, except that it was old and a faded red. She stated that she could probably recognize it if she saw it again. As she made that statement she glanced out her window and noticed that the car she was having difficulty describing, was across the street at the bank next door. Since the robber couldn't get his money request at the first bank, he decided to take his business to the next closest bank.

This time he had to wait. There were two cars in front of him and three cars behind his. Since the robber was armed, police approached the man's vehicle with caution. Three officers on foot approached from behind the car and several officers in patrol cars were waiting around the corner. The robber was obviously unaware that the officers were approaching. He was too busy writing a new stick-up note. When one of the officers spotted the gun and the bandana on the seat of the car, they knew they had the right man.

The officers were able to make a quick arrest. The drive-through bandit was surprised by the officers and had no time to react. Team work by the three officers prevented a possible shoot-out. While one of the officers handled the apprehension of the would-be bandit, another grabbed the gun from the front seat. The third officer stood behind the car as back-up for his partners.

The would-be drive-through bandit was charged with attempted robbery of both banks. He was convicted on both charges. Since he was carrying a loaded gun and pointed it at the teller, he received an eight year prison term.

If I ever need a poster child for my "Dumb Crooks Award," I might pick this dummy. He personifies the true definition of a dumb crook. Trying to rob a bank via the drive-through was dumb enough. After seeing how futile his first attempt was, you would think he would have learned a lesson. Instead, he tried to repeat his first mistake and compound it by trying to rob the bank next door just minutes later. Didn't he think that the police would be looking for him in the general vicinity of the first attempted robbery?! I guess expecting a dumb crook to think would be asking to much. You have to have some sense before you can be expected to think reasonably.
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Do you have a true story about a dumb crook, a bizarre 911 call or other related story! E-mail it to the "Chronicles so that we can share it with our readers. Where possible, please include info that will allow us to verify your submission, such as newspaper name where the story appeared, etc. Send your submissions to:
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Quick Wit...A Few Short But Witty Jokes!

Definition of a lawyer: a man who helps you get what's coming to him.
.......

Q: Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
A: It's called, Sosumi.
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Attention Subscribers: If you have a joke suitable for possible inclusion in an upcoming issue, please send it to:
Jokes Please keep it clean and relevant to the "Chronicles" general theme.
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Feature Story: Crook Burglarizes Girlfriend's Apartment!

A Boston college student needed money for his drug habit and decided to steal a rather large collection of cd's and video games owned by his girlfriend's brother. This would be an easy crime to commit. His girlfriend and her brother lived in the same apartment and he had a key to get in. While the brother was at work and the girlfriend was in school, this drug addict stole all of the brother's cd's and video games. He then sold them to a local CD store. The collection was large enough to command a sale price of nearly $2000, even at the less than retail price offered by the CD store.

To make the burglary appear as though someone broke-in, the thief busted out a window in a bedroom and lifted it into the open position. The real thief thought he had committed the perfect crime. It didn't matter if his fingerprints were found in the apartment because he was there often with his girlfriend. Who would suspect him of the burglary? Well there were several major flaws in this otherwise perfect crime. As part of their investigation, detectives checked out all of the local stores in the area that might buy cd's and video games. When they questioned the owner of the CD store that bought the collection, they had no problem determining that the cd's and video games the store had purchased belonged to the brother. His name and address were printed somewhere on everyone of the cd's and video's. The biggest flaw was discovered when the store owner was able to produce a copy of a receipt he gave to the seller of the collection. The thief signed his real name and indicated his actual address on the receipt.

The thief was arrested about three days after the burglary. Before the case went to court, he was charged in several more crimes that involved stealing and selling items to support his $200 a day drug habit. He was convicted on all charges. He is in a special drug rehab facility for convicted felons. Once he completes his rehab successfully, he will qualify for parole, but will have to serve at least 12 to 18 months in the workhouse.
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Joke: The Counterfeiter!

A big-city counterfeiter, recently released from prison, decided the best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small hick Texas town. So, he got into his new wheels and off he went. He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he said. The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, "Ah reckon so, Mister. Ya'll want 2 nines or 3 sixes?"
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Joke: Blind Policeman!

Returning home from work, a woman was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned: "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
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Weekly Quotes To Remember!

Seen on the headstone of an atheist, "Here lies an atheist, all dressed up and no place to go."
-- Unknown

"One should never direct people towards happiness, because happiness too is an idol of the market-place. One should direct them towards mutual affection. A beast gnawing at its prey can be happy too, but only human beings can feel affection for each other, and this is the highest achievement they can aspire to."
-- Alexander Solzhenitsyn

"Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together."
-- Unknown

"To limit the press is to insult a nation; to prohibit reading of certain books is to declare the inhabitants to be either fools or slaves."
-- Claude-Adrien Helvetius
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Cartoon Picks Of The Week!

Cartoon #1
Venting machine...
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Cartoon #2
Nasty Boss...
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Cartoon #3
Office with a view...
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Cartoon #4
You know the drill...
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Cartoon #5
Stupid boss...
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Strange And Bizarre Laws!
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Some of these laws are actually still on the books, while others no longer exist. In any case, I hope you find them amusing and somewhat thought provoking.
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It is illegal in England to hang your bed out of a window. Why England had to pass this law is a mystery to me, but it is a law that has been on the books for years. Perhaps there was a major problem with citizens doing this and maybe it became a safety issue. In any case this is indeed a bizarre law that makes you wonder why.

There are several strange Ohio state laws concerning fish and whales. One law prohibits anyone from getting a fish drunk and the other one makes it illegal to fish for whales on Sunday. Did anyone tell the lawmakers in Ohio that whales are usually found in the ocean. I haven't heard of anyone catching a whale in any of the rivers or lakes in Ohio. Maybe the law should have stated that lawmakers shall not be drunk when they pass laws concerning fish and whales.

In Fargo, North Dakota you can get thrown in jail for wearing a hat to a dance. You don't even have to get out on the floor to dance to get arrested. You could even get arrested for wearing a hat to weddings and birthday parties if dancing is allowed. Of course this is an old law, but it could still be on the books.

In Clinton, Oklahoma there is actually a law that makes it illegal to molest an automobile. I would like to find out what lawmakers had in mind when they passed this law. How do you define the molestation of an automobile? Maybe they were talking about the stealing of hub caps!
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This Week's Trivia Quiz!

Here's this week's trivia question. Answer this week can be found below. It appears immediately after the "Bumper Stickers As Seen By Joe The Cop" section.

How many U.S. Presidents did not attend college?

1) 1
2) 3
3) 6
4) 9
5) 12
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Funny Picture Of The Week!

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Joke: Poison Mushrooms!

A lifer at a maximum security prison initiated a conversation with his new cellmate. "Ya know, he started to say, I was married 3 times" explained the con to the new fish, and I'll probably never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull." "That's a shame." said the new prisoner, "How did it happen?" "She wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
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Bumper Stickers As Seen By Joe The Cop!

Honk if you hate noise pollution!

I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily!

I need someone really bad, are you really bad?

YES this is my truck. NO I won't help you move!

Don't Think and Drive!
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Answer to "This Week's Trivia Quiz"

The correct answer is: (4) 9
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Well, that's all for this issue. As always, I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed bringing it to you. I would like to invite you to recommend my newsletter to your friends, relatives and associates. Feel free to forward copies to them so they may also experience the "Bizarre Police Chronicles." They can subscribe by sending a blank e-mail to:

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Best Wishes,
Jerry Romans
Editor

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