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Welcome To
Bizarre Police Chronicles
Issue No. 71
August 31 2001
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Hello once again to all my regular readers and a special welcome to all new subscribers. This is the 71st issue. I hope you will enjoy the interesting stories and special features in this edition. Please feel free to e-mail copies of this newsletter to your friends, relatives, and associates. Please encourage them to subscribe so that they may also experience the "Bizarre Police Chronicles."

Index:

Dumbest Crook Of The Week Award!
*Last Week's Results!
*This Week's "Con-Testants!"
Feature Story:
The Prettiest Camel And The Fountain Of Youth! Part 1
Quick Wit...A Few Short But Witty Jokes!
Feature Story:
The Prettiest Camel And The Fountain Of Youth! Part 2
Joke: Wrong Way!
Joke: Accident!
Special Note From The Editor: I Need Your Help!
Weekly Quotes To Remember!
Cartoon Picks Of The Week!
Strange And Bizarre Laws!
This Week's Trivia Quiz!
Funny Picture Of The Week!
Joke: Those Darn Lawyers!
Bumper Stickers As Seen By Joe The Cop!
Answer to "This Week's Trivia Quiz"
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Dumbest Crook Of The Week Award!

Results From Last Week!
The "Con-Testants were:

"Con"-Testant #1
Glue sniffing has become a major problem in Brazil. Youngsters as well as young adults are constantly on the lookout for new ways to obtain the glue and new ways to sniff it.

Recently a man from Sao Paulo, Brazil broke into a glue factory that was closed for the weekend. To him, this was heaven! There were four large vats filled with glue. No glue sniffer could ask for more! The man didn't waste a moment of time. He went into an inhaling frenzy. He soon became disoriented and fell into one of the giant vats.

Fortunately for him, he fell through the vat and unto the wooden floor below. Unfortunately, he became glued to the floor. He was discovered Monday morning by factory workers. Emergency workers had to be called in to free him from his dilemma. They actually had to cut him from the floor before they could even start the process of removing the sticky substance from his body. After the man was unglued and checked out for other injuries, he was turned over to the local police.

"Con"-Testant #2
Even when a dumb criminal gets away with the crime, he can still show his ignorance. Recently a man robbed a bank and was able to make a clean escape.

During the robbery, this dumb crook demanded $100 bills only. When he opened his bag containing the loot, he thought that he had been tricked. All the bills looked like "play money" because they were different looking. Not at all what he had expected! Instead of investigating any further, this dummy throws all of the cash down a storm drain.

The bills turned out to be the new $100 bills now in circulation. If you've seen one you might agree that they look like "play money." Old Ben Franklin appears to be off center and his picture is some what larger than the older bills we all are accustom too. However, I don't believe I would throw them away like this dummy without finding out more. Most people, even if they haven't seen the new bills, have heard about the difference and have probably seen the newer lower denomination bills that also look like "play money."
"Con"-Testant #3
A man from Minnesota was so drunk that he must have thought that he was "Superman" or in his case "Super Drunk." He became highly aggravated when the engineer of an oncoming freight train kept blowing the train's horn. To show his protest, our "Super Drunk" stands on the track and gives the engineer a finger gesture. The engineer was unable to stop the train and hits this man while traveling at an estimated speed of 50 miles per hour. As bizarre as it may seem, this man actually survived his challenge against the train. He received some very minor injuries. He was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct, but charges were eventually dropped. The judge felt that the man's close brush with death was enough punishment.

"Con"-Testant #1 received 21 total votes.
"Con"-Testant #2 received 36 total votes.
"Con"-Testant #3 received 17 total votes.
Grand Total.............. 74 ............

The robber that threw away $100 bills down a storm drain won last week's "Dumbest Crook Of The Week Award." He was "Con-Testant" #2 in the polling list above. As you can see, he got almost half of the total votes that were cast. Only 4 votes separated #1 and #3, so second place was a close race.

Once again I picked the winner. My personal record now stands at 34 wins and 16 losses.
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This Week's "Con"-Testants:

I hope you will participate in this week's voting. If you are voting for the first time, just follow the instructions listed after the three "Con"-Testant profiles below.

Voting will be conducted in the same manner as before. The results for this week's "Con-Test" will be posted in next week's edition.

Here's the profiles for this week's "Con"-Testants!

"Con"-Testant #1
If you've been a subscriber for a long time you may have remembered this really bizarre case of the man who claimed that his brain had been stolen. He was profiled in issue #31. He was a previous "Con-Testant" in an earlier issue. I thought I would put his case to a challenge again and see how this real character does against the other two candidates featured this week. Here is his story for your consideration.

Police meet a lot of strange characters and witness a lot of bizarre situations. Even with that in mind, police in Ohio were astounded by a man who came into their station claiming that his brain had been stolen. That would be strange enough, if it weren't for the fact that the man had a wire measuring 8 or 9 inches in length protruding from his head. He wanted police to help him find his brain and he thought that they would be able to give him an X-ray to find out if it was still there.

When police approached this man, they soon discovered that he had a hole in his skull that was 6 inches deep. Earlier, this seemingly brainless man used a Black & Decker power drill to create the hole. After the hole was made in the skull, the man then inserted the long wire so he could probe for his brain.

Needless to say, this man was placed in custody and was transported to a hospital to treat his head wound.After treatment he was placed in a mental facility for observation.

"Con"-Testant #2
Although this dummy was not charged for his actions, he non the less qualifies for a chance at the "Dumb Crooks Award." He did have to answer for his actions, and charges were going to be filed against him, but were dropped. He did after all cause damage to personal property and he put a number of party goers in danger. However, he was the one that suffered the consequences. Here is this characters story as it originally appeared in issue #33.

As a party prank, a man attempted to blowup an aquarium. He attached a battery to a blasting cap and proceeded to trigger the device. It wouldn't go off. Another man, trying to be the life of the party, said that he could make it go off. He then put the blasting cap in his mouth and bit down. He was right! He did trigger the explosion. However, the explosion occurred in his mouth. The explosion was so powerful that it blew off his lips, tongue, and teeth. This man brought new meaning to the expression "crashing the party."

"Con"-Testant #3
Here is the story I originally called "The Skillful Dim Wit!" I am sure you'll discover why this "Con-Testant" truly qualifies as one of this week's candidates for the "Dumb Crooks Award." He knew how to make money, but it didn't do him much good. Read this crook's story as it originally appeared in issue #35.

A man from Weirton, West Virginia was good at one thing. In fact he was very skilled at his professional endeavor. He was an excellent counterfeiter of paper money. He could create bills that were almost perfect reproductions of the real thing. However, that skill was obviously the only thing this man had going for him. He certainly had no idea of how to get his fake money into circulation. Most counterfeiters distribute their phony money in different locations. Never a large sum spent in one place at a time.

This dim wit printed up over $10,000 in counterfeit bills and went to his local bank to make a deposit into his own account. He arrived at the bank carrying the money in a paper bag. The bills all appeared to be brand new. The same kind of bills a bank usually gives it's customers and not the other way around. This immediately caused the teller to become very suspicious. When she examined the bills more closely, she discovered that the bills all had the same serial number.

Police were alerted and the man was arrested.
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Cast your vote now by clicking the following url.

Bizarre Police Chronicles

Once there click the poll button on our main menu.

The above url is our new server. Please use this url to cast your vote. I have listed the old server next. Only use this if you have a problem with the new server or e-mail your vote using the e-mail address below.

Bizarre Police Chronicles

If you run into any problems with the poll working, you can e-mail your vote to:

E-Mail Vote Put the # of the "Con-Testant" you are voting for in the body of the e-mail or you can simply list it after the word Vote on the subject line.
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Feature Story: The Prettiest Camel And The Fountain Of Youth!

Part 1
A French woman obsessed with staying young decided to find her own fountain of youth. The remedies, soaps and applications she had been using on her skin didn't seem to work as she had hoped. However, she had been told that camel's milk was perhaps the best thing she could use to obtain and maintain that youthful skin she desired. She couldn't find camel's milk in any store and there didn't seem to be anyplace else to obtain it other than going to the actual source. In other words, if she was to obtain camel's milk she would have to get a camel. Well, she did live in a rural area and the house she lived in had ten acres of unused land. So why not get a camel!

She soon discovered that camels were not plentiful in France and it would be too costly to have one shipped from another country. Also there were laws that would make the importing of a camel almost prohibitive. Determined to gain possession of a camel, this lady decided that she would try to make a deal with a privately owned zoo located about 20 miles from her home. When she explained to the owner of the zoo, that she wanted to obtain a camel and was willing to pay a good price to buy one from him, the owner had to regretfully refuse. He explained that it would be illegal for her to own a camel and he could get in trouble for selling a camel to her. He did take her name and address and told her that he would investigate further into whether there were any special licenses she might be able to obtain to own and maintain a camel in her rural location.

Two days went by since her visit with the zoo's owner. She was over anxious about what the owner could find out and so she called him on the phone to inquire. Because he didn't seem like he was too motivated to hurry up the process of finding out anything for her, she decided to take matters into her own hands. She called two of her male friends and explained her scheme to steal a camel from the zoo. The men agreed to help her kidnap a camel.

After checking out the security of the zoo, the men discovered that there wasn't much to worry about. All they had to do was drive up, late at night, to a fenced area where the camels were being kept, cut some links on the fence and then rope a camel and load it on the cattle truck that one of the men owned.

TO BE CONTINUED IN PART 2 BELOW
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Do you have a true story about a dumb crook, a bizarre 911 call or other related story! E-mail it to the "Chronicles so that we can share it with our readers. Where possible, please include info that will allow us to verify your submission, such as newspaper name where the story appeared, etc. Send your submissions to:
Stories
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Quick Wit...A Few Short But Witty Jokes!

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No." The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
.......

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more
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Attention Subscribers: If you have a joke suitable for possible inclusion in an upcoming issue, please send it to:
Jokes Please keep it clean and relevant to the "Chronicles" general theme.
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CONTINUED FROM PART 1 ABOVE

Feature Story: The Prettiest Camel And The Fountain Of Youth!

Part 2
Well the camel napping went pretty much as planned. Both men were ranchers and knew how to handle cattle, so there was no real problem getting the camel into the truck. The men even repaired the fence before they left so the remaining camels could not escape. The woman came along with the men to make her selection of the camel that was to be her key to the fountain of youth.

When the owner of the zoo discovered that one of his camels was missing, he called the police. He knew the camel had been stolen because he could tell that the fence had been cut and then temporarily repaired. Since just one camel had been taken, the zoo's owner told police that he had suspicions that a lady he had talked too just one week before, was behind the camel's disappearance. However, he couldn't understand why she would take this particular camel. That mystery would turn out to be the bizarre twist to the whole case.

Well, since the owner had the woman's name and address, he was able to provide the only lead the police would need to find the camel and make the arrests. They went to the woman's house and discovered that the camel was indeed on her land. She had a small fenced area for it to move around and to graze. When police arrived, the woman was more relieved than surprised about being caught. Aside from making the mistake of not remembering that she had left her name and address with the owner of the zoo, she was guilty of making the biggest mistake in the whole kidnapping scheme. It was in the selection of the camel. She picked out the camel she thought looked the prettiest. That turned out to be the bizarre twist to the whole case. THE PRETTIEST CAMEL COULDN'T GIVE MILK! WHY! BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE A MALE. In her haste to select the best camel to provide milk for her fountain of youth baths, she didn't check to see if the camel was male or female. She based her selection on the camels facial features and affectionate eyes. Her rancher friends didn't catch on to the fact that she picked a male. They thought she had already picked the camel she wanted when she visited with the zoo's owner.

The woman and her two friends were charged with rustling. The two friends were linked to the crime when police were able to match truck tire tracks, found at the scene of the crime, with the treads on the truck. They were all convicted of the crime and await sentencing.
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Joke: Wrong Way!

A man was driving down the freeway when his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just ONE car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"
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Joke: Accident!

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage to the bonnet. There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper.

"Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not. Cya!"
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Special Note From The Editor! I Need Your Help? I am thinking about publishing a family of newsletters on a variety of subjects. I need your help in telling me what types of newsletters you would like to see published. Let me know subjects of interest, features you would like to see, etc. Your comments will be greatly appreciated. Send your comments to:

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Thanks,
Jerry Romans
Editor/Publisher
Bizarre Police Chronicles
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Weekly Quotes To Remember!

"A man never discloses his own character so clearly as when he describes another's."
-- Jean Paul Richter

"Analysts say that gasoline may go to $3 a gallon. So your SUV might stand for stationary utility vehicle."
-- Jay Leno

"If you want to recapture your youth, just cut off his allowance."
-- Al Bernstein

"A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
-- Oscar Wilde
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Cartoon Picks Of The Week!

Cartoon #1
Not a mouse this time....
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Cartoon #2
Catching a tan....
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Cartoon #3
Does he get it??
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Cartoon #4
Very narrow minded...
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Cartoon #5
Heimlich me!
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Strange And Bizarre Laws!
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Some of these laws are actually still on the books, while others no longer exist. In any case, I hope you find them amusing and somewhat thought provoking.
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In Hood River, Oregon you could get arrested for juggling without a license. It doesn't matter whether you are a professional juggler or someone performing at a private party. You must first get the license or you could end up in jail. Lawmakers may have been trying to prevent unskilled people from juggling knives and other dangerous objects, but you don't have to prove your skills to get the license! So what's the reasoning behind the law?

In Morrisville, Pennsylvania women are required to obtain a permit to wear cosmetics. Even wearing lipstick in public could get a woman fined. This is an old law that may still be in the books and could be legally enforced. However, it is doubtful that the city has a C.E.A ( Cosmetic Enforcement Agency).

Fountain Inn, South Carolina has a law that requires all horses to wear pants all of the time. Also, there is a state law that forbids anyone from keeping a horse in a bathtub. I guess not! If your horse has to wear pants at all times, then how are you going to give it a bath!

Ocean City, Maine prohibits anyone from eating while swimming or occupying the ocean. Probably not a bad law. It prevents pollution and probably keeps the sharks away. Once invited, a shark might eat you first and finish off your lunch as desert.
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This Week's Trivia Quiz!

Here's this week's trivia question. Answer this week can be found below. It appears immediately after the "Bumper Stickers As Seen By Joe The Cop" section.

Who gave Chicago's most famous gangster, Al "Scar Face" Capone the four-inch-long scar on his left cheek.

1) Charles "Pretty Boy" Floyd
2) Clyde Barrow (of Bonnie and Clyde fame)
3) Frank Gallucio
4) John Dillinger
5) Frank "The Enforcer" Nitti
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Funny Picture Of The Week!

Do like the man says...

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Joke: Those Darn Lawyers!

Two lawyers, Jim and William, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jim offers William a $50 bet. William agrees and they're off. They do a great game. After the 8th hole, William is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

"Help me find my ball. Look over there," he says to Jim. After a few minutes, neither have any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, William secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces.

"After all of the years we've been partners and playing together, "Jim says, "you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?"

"What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!"

"And you're a liar, too!" Jim says. "I'll have you know I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!"
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Bumper Stickers As Seen By Joe The Cop!

Don't tailgate, driver chews tobacco.

Ate yeers agoe, I coodent eben spel teecher, and now I is wun!

Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade.

I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

Normal people worry me.

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Answer to "This Week's Trivia Quiz"

The correct answer is: (3) Frank Gallucio

Supposedly Capone insulted Frank's girl friend at a New York bar where Al worked as a bouncer/bartender. Gallucio pulled a knife on Capone and the two men struggled. Capone ended up with a deep four inch gash to his left cheek. Capone was only 17 years old at the time of the incident.
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Well, that's all for this issue. As always, I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed bringing it to you. I would like to invite you to recommend my newsletter to your friends, relatives and associates. Feel free to forward copies to them so they may also experience the "Bizarre Police Chronicles." They can subscribe by sending a blank e-mail to:

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Best Wishes,
Jerry Romans
Editor

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