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Welcome To
Bizarre Police Chronicles
Issue No. 72
September 06 2001
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Hello once again to all my regular readers and a special welcome to all new subscribers. This is the 72nd issue. I hope you will enjoy the interesting stories and special features in this edition. Please feel free to e-mail copies of this newsletter to your friends, relatives, and associates. Please encourage them to subscribe so that they may also experience the "Bizarre Police Chronicles."

Index:

Dumbest Crook Of The Week Award!
*Last Week's Results!
*This Week's "Con-Testants!"
Feature Story: Well! That's Not How You Should Repair A Car!
Quick Wit...A Few Short But Witty Jokes!
Feature Story: Oops! I Forgot About The Gun!
Joke: Bad News, Good News, Great News...
A Bizarre E-Mail To The Editor!
Weekly Quotes To Remember!
Cartoon Picks Of The Week!
Strange And Bizarre Laws!
This Week's Trivia Quiz!
Funny Picture Of The Week!
Feature Story: Just Another Dog-Gone Shoplifter!
Bumper Stickers As Seen By Joe The Cop!
Answer to "This Week's Trivia Quiz"
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Dumbest Crook Of The Week Award!

Results From Last Week!
The "Con-Testants were:

"Con"-Testant #1
Police meet a lot of strange characters and witness a lot of bizarre situations. Even with that in mind, police in Ohio were astounded by a man who came into their station claiming that his brain had been stolen. That would be strange enough, if it weren't for the fact that the man had a wire measuring 8 or 9 inches in length protruding from his head. He wanted police to help him find his brain and he thought that they would be able to give him an X-ray to find out if it was still there.

When police approached this man, they soon discovered that he had a hole in his skull that was 6 inches deep. Earlier, this seemingly brainless man used a Black & Decker power drill to create the hole. After the hole was made in the skull, the man then inserted the long wire so he could probe for his brain.

Needless to say, this man was placed in custody and was transported to a hospital to treat his head wound.After treatment he was placed in a mental facility for observation.

"Con"-Testant #2
As a party prank, a man attempted to blowup an aquarium. He attached a battery to a blasting cap and proceeded to trigger the device. It wouldn't go off. Another man, trying to be the life of the party, said that he could make it go off. He then put the blasting cap in his mouth and bit down. He was right! He did trigger the explosion. However, the explosion occurred in his mouth. The explosion was so powerful that it blew off his lips, tongue, and teeth. This man brought new meaning to the expression "crashing the party."

"Con"-Testant #3
A man from Weirton, West Virginia was good at one thing. In fact he was very skilled at his professional endeavor. He was an excellent counterfeiter of paper money. He could create bills that were almost perfect reproductions of the real thing. However, that skill was obviously the only thing this man had going for him. He certainly had no idea of how to get his fake money into circulation. Most counterfeiters distribute their phony money in different locations. Never a large sum spent in one place at a time.

This dim wit printed up over $10,000 in counterfeit bills and went to his local bank to make a deposit into his own account. He arrived at the bank carrying the money in a paper bag. The bills all appeared to be brand new. The same kind of bills a bank usually gives it's customers and not the other way around. This immediately caused the teller to become very suspicious. When she examined the bills more closely, she discovered that the bills all had the same serial number.

Police were alerted and the man was arrested.

"Con"-Testant #1 received 13 total votes.
"Con"-Testant #2 received 33 total votes.
"Con"-Testant #3 received 34 total votes.
Grand Total.............. 80 ............

Last week proved to be the closest race we've ever had. Just one vote separated the winner and second place. I know I had a hard time picking my candidate for the award last week. I did manage to choose correctly. My personal record now stands at 35 wins and 16 losses.
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This Week's "Con"-Testants:

I hope you will participate in this week's voting. If you are voting for the first time, just follow the instructions listed after the three "Con"-Testant profiles below.

Voting will be conducted in the same manner as before. The results for this week's "Con-Test" will be posted in next week's edition.

Here's the profiles for this week's "Con"-Testants!

"Con"-Testant #1
This woman was originally featured in a story that appeared in issue #36. You'll soon find out why she picked the wrong night to pass off her bogus money. Not paying attention to the people around her is what got her in big trouble. Here is her story.

A woman tried to pass two one hundred dollar counterfeit bills at the "Bingo World," located in Jefferson City, Tennessee. The woman thought this would be an excellent place to distribute the bogus money. Who's going to pay that much attention to detail at a bingo hall? At least that's what she thought! Unfortunately, for her, she didn't pay much attention to the name of the organization that sponsored that night's series of games. It turned out to be sponsored by the local chapter of the Fraternal Order of Police. The place was packed with police and money collection and the game itself was handled by police officers and detectives.

Police became immediately suspicious when the woman presented the bogus bill's in front of one of the officers handling money that night. It didn't take investigators long to determine that the bill's were counterfeit.

The woman was quickly arrested. Police also discovered ten additional counterfeit bills in the woman's purse.

"Con"-Testant #2
Here's one for the books. I indicated in issue #36 that this character would end up as a future candidate for the Chronicles "Dumbest Crook of The Week Award!" Well here he is and I am sure you will agree that he qualifies. He's certainly not the sharpest knife in the case. Here's his story!

This Vancouver drug dealer actually sold crack cocaine to a group of three police officers. They weren't undercover agents, they wore full police uniforms.

These officers suspected that this man was up to no good when they spotted him during a routine patrol. After the officers walked up to where the man was standing, one of the officers pulled out a ten dollar bill and showed it to the suspect. To the surprise of the officers, the man grabbed the money and then handed over a quantity of crack cocaine to one of them.

Of course the man was quickly handcuffed and carted off to jail. He later admitted that he saw the uniforms, but that he didn't think they were really police officers because the car the officers were in was unmarked. He actually thought they were going to some kind of costume party!

"Con"-Testant #3
This woman's drunken stupidity almost got her killed. See why her striptease performance for a passing train didn't include bumps and grind's for the passengers, but did leave her with a few bumps of her own. Here is her story as it appeared in issue #37

When a Kansas woman got drunk, she decided to put on a striptease show for the passengers of a train passing through her town. However, she made the mistake of trying to get as close to the tracks as possible and was sucked into the side of the train. The woman did survive, but she suffered two broken arms along with some assorted bumps and bruises and a couple of bad cuts to her face.
After being released from the hospital, this woman was arrested for criminal trespass.
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Cast your vote now by clicking the following url.

Bizarre Police Chronicles

Once there click the poll button on our main menu.

The above url is our new server. Please use this url to cast your vote. I have listed the old server next. Only use this if you have a problem with the new server or e-mail your vote using the e-mail address below.

Bizarre Police Chronicles

If you run into any problems with the poll working, you can e-mail your vote to:

E-Mail Vote Put the # of the "Con-Testant" you are voting for in the body of the e-mail or you can simply list it after the word Vote on the subject line.
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Feature Story: Well! That's Not How You Should Repair A Car!

A Florida man was recently arrested for illegally discharging a firearm and also for not having it registered. However, before he could be booked, he was taken to the hospital. This idiot was hit by fragments from the bullet when he tried to shoot a hole in the exhaust pipe of his car. He stated to police that he became frustrated trying to repair the tail pipe. He needed to bore a hole in the pipe, but couldn't find his drill. That's when he decided to use his pistol to create the hole.
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Do you have a true story about a dumb crook, a bizarre 911 call or other related story! E-mail it to the "Chronicles so that we can share it with our readers. Where possible, please include info that will allow us to verify your submission, such as newspaper name where the story appeared, etc. Send your submissions to:
Stories
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Quick Wit...A Few Short But Witty Jokes!

Q: Did you hear about the two Indian lawyers who formed a partnership, Cachem and Sioux?
.......
Q: What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon?
A: He was disbarred.
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Attention Subscribers: If you have a joke suitable for possible inclusion in an upcoming issue, please send it to:

Jokes Please keep it clean and relevant to the "Chronicles" general theme.
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Feature Story: Oops! I Forgot About The Gun!

A man robbed a St. Louis grocery store. To prevent being identified he made sure that he was carrying a spare shirt in his back pocket. In the process of changing on the run, the robber forgot that he had also placed his gun in the same pocket. When he reached for the shirt he hit the trigger of the gun and shot himself in the leg. It wasn't long before police found the bleeding robber in the backseat of a car just two blocks from the grocery store. He had passed out from the excruciating pain. He was placed in custody and rushed to the hospital. He survived his injury and was later convicted of the robbery.
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Joke: Bad News, Good News, Great News...

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Jones, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Jones said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!" said Mr. Jones, overcome by emotion. Remembering what the cop had said, he asked, "So what's the good news?"

"Well," said the cop, "when we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"If that's the good news, then what's the great news!?!" he asked.

And the cop replied... "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning!"
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A Bizarre E-Mail To The Editor!

There was a recent story in the Belleville, IL, News-Democrat about a police dispatcher from Brooklyn, IL, who was involved with selling crack and later convicted. She used to run license plate numbers for the folks actually selling crack to make sure they were not undercover cops. There was a big write-up in the Sunday paper with a map outlining specifically where in Brooklyn you could buy crack. It cracked me up! Looks like the entire town was involved! I would love to have you read more about the details. This story deserves national attention!

Above story submitted by Debby Wicks

Editor's Comment: Thanks Debbie! I will look into this story further and let "Chronicles" readers know what I find out.
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Weekly Quotes To Remember!

"If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation."
-- Farmer's Almanac

"With my wife, nothing is wasted. When the cuffs wear out in my shirt, it becomes a short-sleeved shirt. When the collar goes, it becomes a pajama top. Right now I've got 44 short-sleeved pajama tops. Sometimes, when I've got nothin' to do, I sit around the house and change pajama tops."
-- Rodney Dangerfield

"The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side."
-- James Baldwin

"I've never had a humble opinion in my life. If you're going to have one, why bother to be humble about it?"
-- Joan Baez
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Cartoon Picks Of The Week!

Cartoon #1
So that's why....
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Cartoon #2
Not what they want to hear...
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Cartoon #3
Not AA its DBA
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Cartoon #4
Abner's outta there...
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Cartoon #5
My mouse has eloped...
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Strange And Bizarre Laws!
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Some of these laws are actually still on the books, while others no longer exist. In any case, I hope you find them amusing and somewhat thought provoking.
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South Bend, Indiana has a law that forbids you from allowing or making a monkey smoke a cigarette. It's bad enough paying the high price for cigarettes anyway. You certainly don't want to get your pet monkey hooked and end up paying for the poor creatures cigs. You might have to take the animal to a psychologist to be hypnotized out of the habit! Do they have monkey shrinks?!!

Massachusetts Building code (MGL Chapter 149 Section 129B) forbids any construction worker from using stilts when working on a construction project.

Tylertown, Mississippi must have had a problem with men shaving in the center of main street. They actually passed an ordinance making it unlawful to shave in this area of town. violators could get thrown in jail and fined. Now that's really Bizarre!

Women! If you visit St. Croix, Wisconsin don't wear anything red while in public. A city ordinance forbids you from doing so. I don't know if the law is still on the books, but at one time any violators could be arrested and fined.
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This Week's Trivia Quiz!

Here's this week's trivia question. Answer this week can be found below. It appears immediately after the "Bumper Stickers As Seen By Joe The Cop" section.

Genghis Khan, Mao Tse-Tung and even Napoleon along with scores of today's top military leaders have used the war tactics and strategies prescribed and outlined in a war manual written by this famous leader from many centuries ago. Who was he?

1) Alexander the Great
2) Sun Tzu
3) Plato
4) Julius Caesar
5) Eric the Great
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Funny Picture Of The Week!

Slightly overloaded...
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Feature Story: Just Another Dog-Gone Shoplifter!

A Georgetown, South Carolina man was arrested after shoplifting at a Food Lion grocery store. Store employees saw the man leave the store with the stolen merchandise. The crook tried to escape on his bicycle, but police were alerted and the thief was caught after a short pursuit. The merchandise he stole was a box of dog biscuits. For that, this man received a one year prison term. If he had been a dog stealing those biscuits he would have ended up serving seven long dog years instead.
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Bumper Stickers As Seen By Joe The Cop!

Adults are just kids who owe money

The face is familiar but I can't quite remember my name

Coffee, chocolate, men; some things are just better rich.

I hate everybody and you're next.

Live your life so the preacher won't have to lie at your funeral
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Answer to "This Week's Trivia Quiz"
The correct answer is: (2) Sun Tzu
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Well, that's all for this issue. As always, I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed bringing it to you. I would like to invite you to recommend my newsletter to your friends, relatives and associates. Feel free to forward copies to them so they may also experience the "Bizarre Police Chronicles." They can subscribe by sending a blank e-mail to:

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Best Wishes,
Jerry Romans
Editor

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