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Welcome To
Bizarre Police Chronicles
Issue No. 74
September 27 2001
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Hello once again to all my regular readers and a special
welcome to all new subscribers. This is the 74th issue. I hope
you will enjoy the interesting stories and special features in
this edition. Please feel free to e-mail copies of this
newsletter to your friends, relatives, and associates. Please
encourage them to subscribe so that they may also experience
the "Bizarre Police Chronicles."
Index:
Dumbest Crook Of The Week Award!
*Last Week's Results!
*This Week's "Con-Testants!"
Feature Story: Police Find Sleeping Bear On Roadside!
Quick Wit...A Few Short But Witty Jokes!
Short Feature Story: Guns For The Blind!
Joke: 10 Things To Never Say To A Cop!
Short Feature Story: Burglar Stops To Play Before He Leaves!
Weekly Quotes To Remember!
Cartoon Picks Of The Week!
Strange And Bizarre Laws!
This Week's Trivia Quiz!
Funny Picture Of The Week!
Joke: Hungry Gator!
Bumper Stickers As Seen By Joe The Cop!
Answer to "This Week's Trivia Quiz"
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Dumbest Crook Of The Week Award!
Results From Last Week!
The "Con-Testants were:
"Con"-Testant #1
An Albuquerque, New Mexico man was hell bent on stealing a
utility trailer from a Home Depot. He struck three times in the
same evening. His first strike was unsuccessful when the trailer
broke loose from his pickup truck just several miles from where
the Home Depot was located. Since the man could not re-hitch the
crashed trailer, he decided to go back and steal another.
Once again, after driving several miles from the store, the
second trailer broke loose and crashed. By the time that the man
stole a third trailer, a deputy sheriff had spotted the second
trailer. When he started to investigate, the man came driving by
with the third trailer attached to the back of his truck.
Misfortune struck again when the fender of the trailer hit the
deputy's car.
The deputy then pursued the truck in what turned out to be a
chase reaching a top speed of only 25 miles per hour. The man
knew that a faster speed would probably create another crash. The
slow chase soon came to an end and the man was arrested and
charged with three counts of theft and two counts of leaving the
scene of an accident and another charge for the hit and run
accident that occurred when the third trailer hit the deputy's
car.
"Con"-Testant #2
Los Angeles police observed a man swerving on and off the road
and over the center line. When they tried to pull the driver
over, he refused to stop. While in pursuit, the police observed
the driver trying to throw out a can of beer. This was an obvious
indication that the man was probably drunk.
The driver was having some difficulty in his attempt to throw the
can out of the car window. He then decided to open his car door
to make it easier to toss out the beer.
Unfortunately, when he threw the can of beer out of the car, he
also threw himself completely out of the moving vehicle.
Fortunately, the drunk driver received only minor injuries
including some cuts and a few bruises.
There was little damage to his car. However, he was arrested for
DUI.
"Con"-Testant #3
This story takes place in Charleston, West Virginia. It occurred
one evening as a man was leaving a restaurant. Our dumb crook
walked up to the man, pulled out a gun and then demanded that the
man turn over all of his money. The man insisted that he wasn't
carrying any money, but the crook wasn't easily convinced. He
became more and more angry at the man's continued insistence that
he had no money.
The victim began to realize the real danger he was in and how
desperate this crook must be. He didn't want the crook to become
even more aggravated, so he made an offer to write a check for a
sizable amount of money. The crook agreed, but required the
victim to make the check out to cash so that he wouldn't have to
reveal his identity. When the crook agreed to accept the check,
the victim knew he was dealing with a genuine dummy. The victim
then proceeded to set-up a time for the man to show up at the
bank that next morning. He told the crook that he would call the
bank in advance and let them know that someone was coming into
the bank at nine o'clock to collect money on a check written to
cash and to have the money available for this person when he
showed up. Sure enough the dumb crook showed up the next morning,
on time, to collect his bounty. Of course the police were there
to collect him.
When police arrested our dumb crook, he was in what might be
described as a state of shock and utter disbelief. He couldn't
figure out in his little pea brain how the cops and the bank knew
what he was up too.
"Con"-Testant #1 received 5 total votes.
"Con"-Testant #2 received 7 total votes.
"Con"-Testant #3 received 65 total votes.
Grand Total.............. 77 ............
Well, as you can see from the stats above, #3 was an overwhelming
winner in last week's "Con"-Test." This is one of the biggest
margins by which a candidate has won since the inception of the
"Dumb Crooks" Award! Thanks to everyone who participated.
I voted for #3 last week and improved my personal record to 37
wins and 16 losses.
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This Week's "Con"-Testants:
I hope you will participate in this week's voting. If you are
voting for the first time, just follow the instructions listed
after the three "Con"-Testant profiles below.
Voting will be conducted in the same manner as before. The
results for this week's "Con-Test" will be posted in next
week's edition.
Here's the profiles for this week's "Con"-Testants!
"Con"-Testant #1
This candidate was probably a normal peace loving citizen.
However, in a moment of anger, he lost he sanity and his ability
to think intelligently. Machines that malfunction can make us all
angry, but control over our emotions is the key to winning the
battle of man against machine. This man lost his control, but got
what he felt was his revenge. Did he win the battle? Not really!
Going to jail was a bad price to pay for revenge. Here's this
man's story as it appeared in issue #41.
A man from Kingsport, Tennessee lost his sanity just long enough
to cause over $10,000 worth of damage to an ATM machine. The
machine took the man's card and wouldn't return it due too a
malfunction. The man became so enraged that he went back to his
car, got his tire iron and started smashing away at the ATM. The
angry rampage went on for nearly 20 minutes before the man
finally left the scene of the attack.
One part of the ATM that survived the destruction was the
machine's video camera. It had recorded every second of the
brutal vandalism. Police were able to make an identity on the
vandal based on the video and the man's credit card that the ATM
machine held onto. An arrest was made soon after.
"Con"-Testant #2
Discover how this "Con"-Testant's well thought plan to rob a
store was doomed the moment he walked out the door of his house.
Here's his story as it appeared in issue #42.
A man in Philadelphia had a well thought out plan to rob a store.
Everything was planned right down to the smallest detail. He even
had a mask to conceal his identity. Unfortunately for him, the
mask would be the one thing that would get him caught. In fact,
he was caught within seconds of entering the store he had planned
on robbing.
This dummy made the mistake of putting his mask on just as he was
leaving his home. Police on routine patrol happen to spot the
masked man as he walked out of his house. They followed him to
the store and caught him before he could complete his robbery.
"Con"-Testant #3
This woman was featured in a story that appeared in issue #43.
As you soon find out, she probably should have kept her mouth
shut, but like many people involved in the use of drugs, she
tried to trust her own judgment and it backfired. Here is her
story as it originally appeared.
A Canadian woman got pretty upset when she bought rock cocaine
from a drug dealer. When she got home and had time to check out
her purchase, she realized that she had been cheated. Her purchase
appeared to be nothing more than baking powder.
She heard that The Royal Canadian Mounted Police had a campaign
going on that encouraged anyone buying or receiving fake drugs to
come forward. Anxious to get her revenge and perhaps her money
back, this woman called The RCMP with a complaint against her
drug dealer.
As standard practice, a narcotics agent came to this woman's home
to take her report and to test the fake drug. Well, to the woman's
surprise, the baking powder turned out to be cocaine. The woman
was immediately placed under arrest and later charged with drug
possession.
Although The RCMP encourages people to come forward with complaints
about fake drugs, it is still duty bound to arrest anyone that has
the real thing in their possession.
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Cast your vote now by clicking the following url.
Bizarre Police Chronicles
Once there click the poll button on our main menu.
The above url is our new server. Please use this url to cast
your vote. I have listed the old server next. Only use this
if you have a problem with the new server or e-mail your
vote using the e-mail address below.
Bizarre Police Chronicles
If you run into any problems with the poll working, you can
e-mail your vote to:
E-Mail Vote
Put the # of the "Con-Testant" you are voting for in the body
of the e-mail or you can simply list it after the word Vote on
the subject line.
_________________________________________________________________
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Feature Story: Police Find Sleeping Bear On Roadside!
Montana police on routine highway patrol were recently
surprised when they spotted a bear laying on the shoulder of the
road. The bear didn't seem to be moving and the police thought
that the animal was either dead or wounded. However, they knew
that it was the time of the year that most bears should be
hibernating. The officers thought that perhaps the bear was
sleeping. Animal control officials were alerted and a dispatcher
had several of it's trucks in route to the bear's location.
While waiting for the animal control officers to arrive, the
police officers decided, for the safety of passing cars and the
bear, that they should investigate by inspecting the beast at a
closer distance. As they approached the animal, they heard what
they believed to be a human like voice. Every word spoken was a
cuss word. Both officers couldn't believe what they heard until
they heard it again and again as they got closer and closer to
the beast. The voice didn't sound scared, so both officers
abandoned the notion that the bear had someone in his grasp. One
officer even commented that "we must have found big foot and he
speaks our language!" and the other officer countered by saying
"no, we're witnessing a scientific breakthrough and are the first
humans to hear a talking bear." Of course both officers were only
joking and made the comments for lack of any other explanation.
Finally, when the officers got very close to the animal, they
realized that it was someone in a bear suit. At a distance the
fur and features of the suit looked like the real thing, but
close up it was obviously a fake. When officers asked the man to
take off the suit, he refused. He said he didn't have any clothes
on underneath the bear suit, but he did remove the head. The man
was (excuse the pun) barely able to stand and it was obvious to
the officers that this man was very drunk.
When the man sobered up the next day, he explained that he had
been at a party and drunk to much. He stated that he probably
consumed about 8 liters of beer and didn't think he could drive
his car home. Since everybody else at the party was also drunk,
he felt that the only way he was going to get home was walk. It
was a costume party and since he was not wearing anything under
his bear costume, he left it on. The man walked about two blocks
from the house where the party had been held. He was able to make
his way to the usually busy highway, but passed out on the
shoulder of the road. Since it was very early in the morning and
before daybreak, the drunken man encountered no problem with
traffic. The police patrol car, driven by the officers that
discovered him, was probably the first vehicle to pass by him. No
other reports of a bear laying on the side of the road had been
received by the police department. The drunk was probably lucky
the police spotted him when they did and he is even luckier that
he didn't pass out in the middle of the road. There were a number
of cars and big rigs that did pass close to the area where the
drunk had been laying. Fortunately, the two police officers were
able to move him a safe distance from the road.
The man received various charges associated with being drunk on
that night. He was fined over $500. He thanked the two officers
for keeping him safe and has stated that he will never drink
again and that his costume party days are over forever!
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Do you have a true story about a dumb crook, a bizarre 911 call
or other related story! E-mail it to the "Chronicles so that we
can share it with our readers. Where possible, please include
info that will allow us to verify your submission, such as
newspaper name where the story appeared, etc. Send your
submissions to:
Stories
_________________________________________________________________
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Quick Wit...A Few Short But Witty Jokes!
A lawyer who had a trial scheduled walked into the courtroom
and saw her opponent. "Are those people over there your
witnesses?" her opponent asked.
When the lawyer said yes, the other replied, "Then you win. I've
used those witnesses twice myself."
.......
Young woman: "This is the first time I've ever needed a lawyer.
How much would you charge me if all I had were three questions?"
Lawyer: "A hundred bucks."
Young woman: "A HUNDRED DOLLARS... Is that ETHICAL?"
Lawyer: "Of course it is. Now what's your third question?"
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Attention Subscribers: If you have a joke suitable for possible
inclusion in an upcoming issue, please send it to:
Jokes
Please keep it clean and relevant to the "Chronicles" general
theme.
_________________________________________________________________
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________________________________________________________________
Short Feature Story: Guns For The Blind!
A blind man from Fargo, North Dakota applied for a gun permit,
but his application was rejected. He took his case to court with
the argument that blind people are prime targets for attacks by
robbers. The really bizarre aspect of this case is that the judge
agreed and granted this blind man a permit to carry a handgun.
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Joke: 10 Things To Never Say To A Cop!
1) Met your quota? Happy now?
2) Whatever you do, don't search my trunk.
3) What exactly is "legally drunk"?
4) If I were you I'd let me go!
5) Ask if you can buy his car.
6) I was just on my way to your sisters house.
7) Ask if you can see his gun.
8) Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party.
9) I dare ya to arrest me!
10)You look a little slow today, what, one too many doughnuts
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Short Feature Story: Burglar Stops To Play Before He Leaves!
A Detroit man burglarized a house while the family was away on a
vaction. Apparently, on his way out, he saw some silly putty on
a desk in the bedroom of one of the kid's. He must have stopped
to play with the silly putty because police were able to get the
burglar's finger and thumb prints. When detectives sent the
prints through for processing, a match was found. The prints
matched those of a man who had just been released from prison
after serving time for committing five previous burglaries. The
man was arrested and charged with the burglary. After a search
of the man's apartment, all of the stolen items were recovered
and the man admitted to burglarizing three other homes. He's now
back in prison and will be there for quite a long time.
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Weekly Quotes To Remember!
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I
buy something."
-- Jackie Mason
"Be more concerned with your character than your reputation.
Your character is what you really are while your reputation
is merely what others think you are."
-- John Wooden
"Better to trust the man who is frequently in error than the one
who is never in doubt."
-- Eric Sevareid
"The real differences around the world today are not between
Jews and Arabs; Protestants and Catholics; Muslims, Croats,
and Serbs. The real differences are between those who
embrace peace and those who would destroy it; between those
who look to the future and those who cling to the past;
between those who open their arms and those who are
determined to clench their fists."
-- William J. Clinton, 1997
"After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?"
-- Steven Wright
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Cartoon Picks Of The Week!
Cartoon #1
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Pet Day
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I want it back...
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Watch your step...
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My cat had kittens..
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Recommend Bizarre Police Chronicles to your friends and cast
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Strange And Bizarre Laws!
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Some of these laws are actually still on the books, while others
no longer exist. In any case, I hope you find them amusing and
somewhat thought provoking.
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In Hayden, Arizona the act of bothering, teasing or otherwise
causing discomfort to a bullfrog or a cottontail is strictly
prohibited by law. Violators will be fined.
Flirters Beware! Did you know that in Little Rock Arkansas you
can be thrown in jail for 30 days for flirting in public. I don't
know if the law is still on the books! Bill Clinton may have
removed this law, so you may be safe from arrest.
A very old San Francisco law, which may still exist, prohibits
anyone from piling horse manure to a height of more than six
feet on any street corner. If your horse could produce that much
manure everyday, you could make a fortune in the fertilizer
business!
Cottage cheese lovers Beware! Don't get caught eating cottage
cheese after 6 p.m. on Sunday in Tampa, Florida. If caught you
could be fined and sent to jail.
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This Week's Trivia Quiz!
Here's this week's trivia question. Answer this week can be
found below. It appears immediately after the "Bumper Stickers
As Seen By Joe The Cop" section.
ON average how many full time police officers are there for
every 1000 people in the United States?
1) 50.4
2) 25.2
3) 10.8
4) 5.6
5) 2.5
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Funny Picture Of The Week!
Watch you step...
AOL Users
Click Here
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Joke: Hungry Gator!
A man walks into a bar with an alligator.
"Do you serve lawyers in here?", the man inquires.
"Sure do!", replied the bartender.
"Great!", the man said. "I'll have a Coors Light, and how 'bout
a lawyer for my 'gator."
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Bumper Stickers As Seen By Joe The Cop!
I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.
Stay with me; I want to be alone
I'm not driving drunk I just cant drive
Madness takes its toll, Please have exact change
I'm not a Brat. I'm not! I'm not! I'm not!
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Answer to "This Week's Trivia Quiz"
The correct answer is: (5) 2.5 full time police officers
for every 1000 people.
______________________________________________________________
Well, that's all for this issue. As always, I hope you enjoyed
it as much as I enjoyed bringing it to you. I would like to
invite you to recommend my newsletter to your friends, relatives
and associates. Feel free to forward copies to them so they may
also experience the "Bizarre Police Chronicles." They can
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Best Wishes,
Jerry Romans
Editor
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